lemony snickets:

Skydived.

noreply@blogger.com (Bionic Vapour Girl) — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 21:06:00 +0000

Was all about conquering my fear of heights. What better way to do this than by being pressured into jumping out of a plane?

Was Kimba's 21st. She wanted to go skydiving. This was Saturday.

So our jump was delayed by about 3 hours. By the time it came to get in the plane I had a lost a lot of my nervous. I jumped with B, Pascoe, Nash and Jess. Both Nash and I were extremely nervous. K and the first lot went hours before us, when they were getting their harnesses put on, I saw one of the instructors and pointed out to Beth that he was both sturdy looking and a total babe and I wanted to get him. I ended up getting paired with him, his name was Phil and he was Irish. B was sorely dissapointed.

So I get my harness put on, when it comes time to do the jump. We all load into the little bus that take us to the airport. We're all introducing ourselves and loading up on the plane and it is decided that Phil and I will be jumping first. I am sitting facing the others at the back of the plane because I couldn't fit my legs in unless I was there. It is cramped. There is a guys foot on me.

Phil is eating a sandwich.

The plane starts to take off, and that in itself is absolutely terrifying. Phil is holding my shoulders and pulling me back to lean on him. He's whispering in my ear the whole way up, reassuring and pointing out landmarks. He has his hand on my leg and joking with me. He ended up hugging me the whole way up. At one point he remarks 'You're alright, we're at 9000ft, even if the plane crashed now I'll parachute us to safety'. So he's talking to me the whole time and adjusting my goggles, we're close to 15,000 feet now. The red light signaling to jump goes off. I pull open the side of the door and he moves over to sit on the edge. I go to jump out but now he is sitting on the edge of the plane and I'm strapped to him just dangling out of the plane. I'm dangling out of a plane. Phil is pretending to jump and trying to tease me and sike me out, this was not neccessary.

After a minute or so of this he jumps.

Banana! Banana! Banana!

I can't really compare it to anything. The freezing air feels like its trying to pull the skin off your face, I opened my mouth briefly which was a mistake. The pressure makes it feel like my head is going to explode, we're flipping through the air.

Freefalling is absolutely fucking terrifying.

He pulls the parachute cord and we go shooting up into the sky. He spends the rest of the trip stroking my hair and telling me its going to be alright. He has to do some turns which he says 'will be just like a rollercoaster' This is a lie. So we're floating about, and I'm saying 'Please stop Phil, Please Stop Please Stop Please Stop' and he's saying 'Its OK, It's fun, WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE' Lets test the brakes. 'WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE'

He said lets make you more comfortable, and undid the bottom hooks, which was absolutely fucking terrifying. He asked me if I wanted him to loosen my leg straps and I was crying saying, Please don't, Please don't, Please don't.

The worst part is the brakes, when we stopped moving it feels like we are just going to plummet to the ground.

It feels like you could just step off the parachute and land on the ground, Phil points out that we are still a kilometre from the ground. We try to spot some dolphins, but are not successful.

We chat the whole way down, we are far away from everybody else. Everybody else lands and we are the second last to come down. Everyone else lands on their feet but I land in Phils lap on the beach. We hug. Kimba and a large group of friends were at the beach taking photos.

It was such a bizzaro experience, made even more bizzaro that my instructer and I were in love in the moment.

I say goodbye to Phil and attend the beach BBQ where I eat far too much cake.

Everyone is teasing me about the loving going on between me and Phil. Apparently their instructers just threw them out with no warning a few seconds after Phil and I jumped. B is so jealous she did not get Phil. She said " I was comforted just looking at him comfort you." Phil was the only redeeming thing about the jump, the whole thing was absolutely fucking terrifying beyond words. B says she had no redeeming quality and I quote she 'Just isn't into extreme sports like she thought she would be'.

Melbournite

noreply@blogger.com (Bionic Vapour Girl) — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 20:52:00 +0000

Recently I went on a holiday with some friends to Melbourne. The whole trip wasn't the holiday I had hoped for. I was meant to have been going with Zac but obviously wasn't, so I was stuck with two very happy couples. It was really fun for the most part but I found myself unbearably missing him.

The Melbourne cup was so windy. So very, very windy. I looked great though. I am featured in a news report about punters getting so drunk and messy at the cup, standing in the background looking dissaprovingly at the drunkards on the ground. A lot of retards used my feather eyelashes as an excuse to talk to me, which got a bit tiring having the same conversation over and over.

We went out that night, we went to a bar and this boy bought my table drinks and winked at me. This I ignored but enjoyed the beverages.

So it turns out Tib and Ton are really rascist, there was a lot of me getting offended and telling them to stfu.

We spent the first day in bars and playing drinking games in the hotel room, there was a lot of hilarious nudity. The second day was Melbourne cup, and the night out at clubs and bars. The last day we spent idling around the shops and sipping a lot of coffee. It was a lovely holiday, it was just painful for me.

Burney was wonderful and picked me up from the airport that night.

NAS the rap guy

noreply@blogger.com (Bionic Vapour Girl) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 04:21:00 +0000

I have a relatively surprising life.

Friday night I went to drink with my new best friend and some of her friends. That rapper NAS, as in the worldwide famous rap guy, was in Brisbane. We ended up getting on the door, which is awesome because tickets were $100+. They came to pick me up when Straker gets a phone call from his friend that listed us on the door, saying that 'NAS is demanding a heater, he won't go on stage until someone brings him a heater'.

We're like 'shit. Where the fuck do you get a heater from at 9 o'clock on a Friday?'. New best friend has one lying about at her place, so we go to collect it and rush to take it to NAS, who by the way, for a 'gangsta' shouldn't need a heater in Brisbane on an October night. Its like 25 degrees out. So we rush to take NAS the heater and drive down the one way road that Tivoli is on. Bring Nas the heater (who is surrounded by a gaggle of real life hoes and stretch hummers) and return to the car, who new best friend is now driving the wrong way down a one way street. So, she makes the turn, thats one situation rectified. We're halfway back when we get a call from the tour manager 'Dude, this is a fan.'

So, we pretty much let NAS down.

In conclusion, I have been really good at meeting rappers lately. With Phrase and Drapht and those other rappers from Sounds of Spring. Unintentional groupie friend.

The worst of times.

noreply@blogger.com (Bionic Vapour Girl) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 09:47:00 +0000

One of the worst things about the breakup was wondering how I was going to take care of myself. When I got sick, he was there, he looked after me.

I drank way too much last night and went down with the same sickness I seem to be experiencing a lot lately. Its not proportionate to how much I drink and it is pretty much impossible to foresee. I got home at around 2 in the morning or thereabouts, and couldn't leave, couldn't move from the bathroom. Once the sun had come up and I was still there, it was really clear I wouldn't be able to sort myself out, so I had to call H to come help me.

Friday night I was followed home from the train station by a drunk man, I can't protect myself, its so fucking terrifying.

Its really not getting any easier. Honestly, nothing has ever hurt me this much. I can't take care of myself apparently.

Muddy water

noreply@blogger.com (Bionic Vapour Girl) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 08:01:00 +0000

And he is gone. Wounded animal.

Still trying to get my life back together. At the very least quit smoking, go back to the gym and finally sort out who the fuck is going to move in here.

Going to pierce my nose when I stop with the constant smoking, will put a ring through it. Dye my hair red.

This is still astoundingly hard, it completely shook me like nothing ever has before. I couldn't expect too much more right now.

Sentence.

noreply@blogger.com (Bionic Vapour Girl) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 11:03:00 +0000

Still am not feeling any better. I stand by that if he had of at least talked to me, this would have been a lot easier for me. Having this as a 'surprise' definitely was not a good thing that happened. I would give anything to go back, I'm not sure if it makes me feel better or worse to know he never wanted that anyway.

Boys are stupid.

noreply@blogger.com (Bionic Vapour Girl) — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 08:02:00 +0000

Friday night was a huge failure. I really wanted to go to CP's gig, but I couldn't knowing Zac would be there. The plans were to go to Kevs farewell party with B and P, but P pulled out because she was too hungover and Jake told me B couldn't come anymore. Made plans to go with Heather, who also had agreed to do CP's door at the gig, arrived at 7:30 when she was meant to start at 8:30 so I was all dressed and didn't even make it out the driveway because she didn't have enough time. Then after I had had a shower and washed my hair B calls to say she was always planning to come but by then it was too late. Then the internet broke and there was a large bug in my room, so all I did was pretty much lay about thinking about how sad I felt.

In the last weekend I have been asked out on a date by 6 different fucking people. This shit is so fucking retarded, its like I have slut written across my forehead. The worst part was when the security guard at work asked me out to coffee 'I never do this, but I think you're so lovely, would you like to go out with me to coffee?' I said 'No.' and literally sprinted away from him in the opposite direction. He doesn't fucking know me, I'm not fucking lovely. Just. Fuck. Off. Where I was last night some wanker kept on at me 'oh you're so beautiful' etc. and described what I was wearing the one and only time I've ever met him over a year ago. Fuck this shit, people are so fucking retarded and creepy. Rationally it doesn't really make sense to be offended when someone says they like you, but its not like I've ever done anything that would imply that I would be interested in any one of them, its stupid and it makes me feel incredibly awkward. I hopefully I can keep pulling the 'I just got out of a long relationship' card for some time now.

Last night I went to Bobby's hens night and to McKenna's for drinks. Still feeling pretty fucking sad. Work is a good thing right now, becoming better friends with the lovely girl that works there, we are going to do some drinking this Saturday night.

Stride.

noreply@blogger.com (Bionic Vapour Girl) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 12:33:00 +0000

And, I was right. Eye of the storm. I definitely wasn't going to get away from this without the feeling of drowning in waves of immense sadness.

Its hard to remember why we put ourselves through this, its not like its going to get any better or easier. Its just something that you have to do for reasons that you do not know.

Cracked Toffee

noreply@blogger.com (Bionic Vapour Girl) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 01:19:00 +0000

Still have been alright. The footsteps are the worst, it sounds like how it used to and it tricks me for a moment and I hate it.

Can't really get around how weird I've been feeling lately. Limbo.

Its weird that I do not feel angry or resentful towards Zac. Its really just gone straight to being downright afraid of him and greatful that he is leaving the state.

Since having a d&m with CP the other night, I ended up repeating one of the conversations we had with others which was "What others think your major flaws are". CP didn't comment, my mother said I was brittle and thoughtless and Ben that I am naive and act a lot older than my age. It was interesting that I hadn't directly thought of these points before. I acknowledge that I am brittle, like cracking toffee in a person. Its true I overcompensate for having much older friends, but I wouldn't agree with being naive in the slightest.

The knifes edge.

noreply@blogger.com (Bionic Vapour Girl) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 07:36:00 +0000

I feel like I'm in the eye of the storm right now. I've felt pretty good for the last couple of days, this went from the edge of the world back to being pretty much OK. Its good, but it makes me almost nervous. I worry about dreaming about him, you can't escape the subconscious.

Today I cleaned and reaaranged the house so that it doesn't look like its missing anything. I didn't want to sit and stare at the places he had once been and remember.

My brother didn't like his job, so the house situation isn't sorted yet. That really sucks. The results came back from the STAT thing I did in an attempt to increase my ranking to get into uni, and it was not good. I already knew I bombed pretty spectacularly in it. I am extremely nervous about being rejected by university for next year, I guess this is the first time I have been relatively certain of which direction I would like my life to take and I can't deal with any more step backs right now.

If I could had any money at all saved right now, I'd leave the country for a few months. It wouldn't be the best idea to take out a loan for such things.

To the blog with the ironic spelling mistake.

noreply@blogger.com (Bionic Vapour Girl) — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 09:38:00 +0000

I guess I'm going to start blogging again because for a long time I had Zap to rant to and didn't really see the point anymore. I guess I have a need to expell my mundane ramblings.

Also, Its fine to be honest here because I've blogged so inconsistantly that most likely this has fallen off the radar.

Firstly, my new job is pretty good. The people who I work with are just so lovely. There is a girl with blue hair and bad tattoo's that talks like a baby and dots her 'i's' with hearts. She makes me want to kill myself. I found over the course of my last job I lost a great deal of confidence, now when I make a mistake I feel like its the end of the world and I have to adjust, step back, calm down. The girls who I work the counter with are seemingly the most lovely girls. The guard is tall and a bit of a babe. He has a weird sort of auror about him that makes me feel uncomfortable or intimidated, and for some reason, I lie my ass off when I'm talking to him about the most random things without even realising it. I used to do that to Tim, not a good sign.

Secondly, since everything in my life has shifted to the left, I've stopped eating meat. Meat is not really something that I enjoy and so far its been a week and two days. If I get too ill, which is what happened last time, I suppose I will give it up, but for now the trial is going alright. With the stress of the last week I have been smoking nearly a pack a day, that is going to be a fucking bitch to quit, since I worked so hard to get to the point of rarely smoking that I was at.

Thirdly, my brother is moving in with me next week if all goes well with his new job and Ben is moving out. My brother and I have never really gotten along very well, but I really want this to work out. I've always felt pretty unsafe in that house and it would be comforting to me to have him there. He also has a car, which I plan to borrow. He decided to try being vego as well so possibly the food bill is going to be alright to split and I won't have to cook for myself.

I've decided to try going back home tonight. I've realised its not the end of the world but still, being in that house with all those memories and sleeping in that same bed is pretty hard for me. It may result in a return to my parents house, but the 2 hour train ride to work, making for a four hour round trip is not very appealing to me. And thanks to the incompetency of QR I have been late to work twice.

The uni application is being sent tomorrow.

noreply@blogger.com (Bionic Vapour Girl) — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 13:54:00 +0000

New job, applied to uni, joined gym, changed hair, lost boyfriend, lost housemate. breakdown.

Compared with me, everything is nothing.

noreply@blogger.com (Bionic Vapour Girl) — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 05:31:00 +0000

I suppose every job that you work at you are bound to hate at some point and there is always that one person that acts as the guise of satan.

But I have never felt more humiliated than I did yesterday.

I'm still trapped.

The neigh neigh that lives north of nowhere

noreply@blogger.com (Bionic Vapour Girl) — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 10:40:00 +0000

I feel a waste of space. Things I have I haven’t earned. I have a good job, working with my dad. I’m happy, because of my boyfriend.

I don’t use the one thing I feel particularly good at and I’ve given up on what I love most. The neigh neigh that lives north of nowhere.

This isn’t where I saw myself and I feel like time is running out. I keep forgetting being 19 isn’t the end, or nearing the end or it could be. Maybe it’s that the majority of my friends are considerably older than me and far more accomplished then I am, yet they’re seemingly in the same place. I didn’t see myself being anywhere, just not here.
A lot can happen in a year. I wonder what my life is like in comparison to others. The last year, all the dragons, happenings are never boring.

I wish we had a quota on suffering, that once we learned a hard life lesson we were done. What I fear most is not the actual happen but the inescapable suffocating impending doom.
In comparison, it never seemed worse than the dread.

In the end everything will be OK. If it’s not OK than it’s not the end.

I'm everyone.

noreply@blogger.com (Bionic Vapour Girl) — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 01:07:00 +0000

Monday 19/01/2009
-Read water meters
-Set up meeting with Halford
-book in 3 major tenancy’s for inspection
-pretend to be working and completing the aforementioned tasks while secretly wallowing in self loathing about how unproductive and unmotivated I am.

“hey miss..

i need a demonstration on parking my car in one of three new car spaces you have provided..Car parks 84 and 85 and proving a little difficult to manouvre when the surrounding car parks are being used. Car park 86 while being the best is also proving a little hard to get out of when parks are being used on either side...

Is this just because we are girls.. I DON'T THINK SO..
is this just because we drive X - Trails... I DON'T THINK SO

i just need the demonstration... I THINK SO!!!
im not joking nicole!!

If you can prove to me that these car parks are not useless i will shut my mouth forever..

:)
What day is good for you??

Regards,
*********”

No one respects me.

Defeated.

noreply@blogger.com (Bionic Vapour Girl) — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 05:56:00 +0000

My leg has not been working in the way that a leg should work, and I have been going to physio for it. Today when I went there the woman said that today would be trying to work out if there was a way that I was walking which was damaging my leg (which there is, which is caused by having a fucked back). She was all like, touching my feet, and stuff for like, a fucking hour. There is no way that you can get out of a situation like that without looking like a complete nut job.

I don’t think there has been a time when I have felt worse about myself, I’ve put on weight, I’m peeling like a lizard and I’ve got actual burns from super sunburn Saturday, I haven’t had a hair cut in like 6 months, all my clothes are old and tatty and now, after some woman spent an hour touching my feet I have ‘orthotic’ soles to put in my shoes.

My mind has spent the last week or so completely consumed by trying to work out how I could afford to buy an apartment. I’m starting to give up hope, I get a shit wage and no one will lend me a decent amount, I couldn’t afford to get a 2 bedroom place and I imagine it would be very lonely living by myself if something ever happened between Zap and I. I just wish that I could make shit like this happen. I could live there for a year – get the $14,000 first home buyers grant, sell it for a profit, use the money to go overseas.

The fucking nightmares are back. Jesus Christ life is so much better and easier without them.

To have more of a whinge, I’m feeling inspired for once but too fucking tired and without time to do anything with my ideas.

Nothing worth having comes easy.

noreply@blogger.com (Bionic Vapour Girl) — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 03:18:00 +0000

The new survival of the fittest is to not die from drugs and alcohol.

I’m feeling happy.

Boyfriend and I, still great.

The nightmares are back, though bearable.

Need to work out the living situation. I wish to escape spending so much dead money. I should buy a house instead of a car, I want the car though, I feel like I’m missing out. Short term VS long term.

I want to travel, I want to see things, experience things.

So in theory, lets figure:

1) Yearly salary after tax
2) Deduct rent
3) Deduct amount for food/transport
4) Total – there still being a fat left.
5) Things to make you happy – drinking, cigarettes, bars, clubs, restaurants – per week
6) Total – what could afford to save each week.

So I could approximately save around $3000 a year.

I wish things were handed to me.

I’m still in holiday mode, and it sucks to be back at work. I just don’t know where to go from here. I enjoy this, but it just isn’t what I saw myself doing and I doubt I would be motivated enough to go to university. The mere idea of university is terrifying and overwhelming to me. It would be nice if I worked with people I got along with. Or if I could continue doing this job, get qualified, without going to university. I wish I had more motivation, I want to finish my portfolio, I want to make t-shirts!

The relationship with Zap, is by far the best I’ve ever had.

Tequila.

noreply@blogger.com (Bionic Vapour Girl) — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 12:52:00 +0000

Nothing is to be took for granted.
I feel pathetic as in so much happ is based on that thing.
I know it won't last forever, and maybe this time round I have so much more to lose.
It's the Ok part that kills me, and how hard that is to find. I'm so happy but so impended.
I am, I am.. OK. it's a shame I can't take it for what it is and live in the moment instead of into the future where its changing and things are lost.
I try to remember that maybe I won't always want this window of time. Maybe in a frame I will look back and want to throw up on the memories of what I have now, but at the moment, it is so
right. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing ever will. Time to accept things change. Stop holding on.

It was pointed out that I am not standing still, as it feels. I have changed, friends have changed. Everything is different, nothing stays the same.

Its the crushing, impending that always gets me.

oh how to get rid of you.

without the pathetic

without the self involvement.

Everyone I have in my life I have made a conscious choice to be around, to include, to enjoy the time spent.

And to those lost, not forgotten.

To those gained, how long for.

She may not realise how much of an adverse reaction she has had on me, she never will. Just the fuck up. Both of you. I'd be better if you let me be.

Its time I should throw this type away.

As to cry, and type and burden my thoughts upon those that occasionally check.

Fuck this.

butter.

noreply@blogger.com (Bionic Vapour Girl) — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 10:51:00 +0000

I'd rather not miss out, and sometimes things are OK.

No regrets, and no epic shit storm.

Just this expiry date that's playing on my mind. But not to equal any resentment.

Sometimes, I do make the right choices.

I'm sleeping well, thanks to new prescriptions and someone who keeps me in reality where things aren't so frightening.

Work, even, is going really well.

J is coming back on New Years Eve, 6am. She told me she was never coming back, then she said May, and then she said January 11th and now it is New Years Eve. There's less time to muster strength and prepare.

There has been far less nightmares lately, I worried about having them, I worried about losing them. At what point do things become boring?

I miss T* (a lot.).

R was at Stereosonic. I was reminded of incredibly relieved I am to not have to see his face anymore.

There was a flood, that swept away everything. Lost all, but gained some.

I am in love with Zap. Surprise.

Christmas is always really great. This will be the first year though, that I will not have a friendly steed to give a Christmas carrot to. I miss Count more then anything, it makes my heart hurt. Maybe having Zap will be an OK substitute, though he doesn't like carrots.

Tonight, I ate too much butter.

a short recap. the afterlife.

noreply@blogger.com (Bionic Vapour Girl) — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 05:05:00 +0000

Maybe too much. Too much fun. Parklife recap:

Convinced myself that I was fat and therefore looked pregnant and therefore my dress must be shaping to my body and making me look even more pregnant to others around me, but maybe it was because my dress was inflatable. I had a alcoholic beverage in my hand and I thought people were staring at me, so I yell at them I’M NOT FUCKING PREGANT STOP JUDGING ME poor randoms. but protecting my inflatable dress at the same time that would in turn make me look even more fake preganant. I should never have eated that candy from the strangers. Adverse reactions. Felt really unwell, had a sip of what turned out to be red bull that tasted like fire, and since it tasted like fire I must have swallowed the fire, and I must have swallowed the fire because I must have eaten the dare chilly that killed person, I was going to die because I ate too much chilly. I was going to fucking die from chilly, but I had eated none. I lived. Danced for 16 hours or more straight, imagined that the beat was a monster that I couldn’t see but I could feel, and he lived in my body, but I couldn’t get him to keep to the music. He just couldn’t keep up by the end. I think it was exhaustion. We ran through the city streets when it ended and it was amazingly surreal to be running through the city streets without giving way to cars. Ran up to C’s apartment, and I ran into a glass door. We broke into a boatyard and was talked out of breaking into a boat, ran up the road to find what may of been people playing frogger. Had to inform them of the Swedish twins and anxiously continued on our way. Got to valley, after a time lapse and thanks to the return of the AM P seemed to loose her happy and b lost her lunch... we sent B home. Bumped awkwardly into school friends and tried to keep the cool and stay out of the judgement. Failed, but found a guy with a trumpet standing on top of a DJ set instead. Best guy. Decided to walk home thanks to the 200 strong cab line but ended up being heavily assaulted by a bunch of assholes. One smacked my arse trying to put his hand up my dress while another went to grab P. We were saved by the kindness of some passing strangers, but i still lost faith in humanity. My legs were made out of heavily condensed air. My legs were made out of led but were as light as air. I forgot how to pee and then my shirt tried to eat me.

The music was bliss. Friday night was bliss, the before, the after, the during, was all bliss. Dizzee, Peaches, Goldfrapp and DJ’s were my favourites. I could live in that day for eternity.

month lost?

noreply@blogger.com (Bionic Vapour Girl) — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 05:55:00 +0000

Hey bloggy,

Work ate my energy and I was afraid of what not to say. I’ve been doing fun things and spending a lot of time in bed, hum. After a few discovered melt downs and a fear of forcing time to constantly be the bearer of all the emotional dumps decided to finally embark on a MHP. I’m so extremely sceptical, since I’ve dealt with the dreams and soared on the sleep as of late –there’s a valid reason for this, but I’m giving it a go despite the feelings of impending doom.

I’m happier with work, although I fear this will be a “it will be OK when I...” situation like climbing an invisible ladder trying to reach something awesome at the top (like candy) only I hate climbing ladders, and after I exhaust all possible ideas trying to get past the glass ceiling to get to the top realise the candy was not the kind I wanted but I want it in my collection anyway, even though it probably wasn’t worth it. – seriously, I’m enjoying it for the most part.

I wish I could talk to people directly in proportion to how they are: “hey you piece of fucking shit, do your fucking job properly or I’ll slit your throat in your sleep and watch you bleed” I wouldn’t REALLY go gallivanting on a slitting throat rampage, but I would like them to at least pay attention.

Oh them, you fucking asshole.

The migration between the friends group brought a noticeable change in my memories of happenings. Things are still fun, just different.

I’m in the middle of an unexpected scenario – though no clue.

Parklife this weekend and a fresh tax check, I feel financial failure coming on!

I dream of having my own car, I probably wouldn’t feel so trapped and boring. I really miss being close to my Narangba friends. I caught up with some of those guys on Saturday night in a blur of the night with huge pieces of time missing. Short of the long, Oktoberfest, RG’s, Family. Ended up with B on the bathroom floor and waking up semi naked in Jakes bed an hour from home. Shining knight guy collected me in the morning and i spent the entire day complaining of ‘the hangover’ of epic proportions while fun festivities were enjoyed with favorites.

Yeah, stuff.

noreply@blogger.com (Bionic Vapour Girl) — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 03:37:00 +0000

Saturday night the antibiotics, no food in belly combined with 5 or 6 jugs of beer and a bottle of wine had a not so great outcome. There was like a million things on that night that I was expected to attend and I had plans to show up at least for a little bit at each. Go to exhibition with Kimber and B, go to the plough inn and meet with Gleaves with the girls then get to valley to watch Sirinival, meet up with Bradwick for a birthday drink and return to the plough inn to have times with the boys and girls from highschool.

Saturday began with farewelling hams who stayed over the night before and nando’s with Teddy and Zap. I came on the expedition to the city with them with plans to meet with B and kimber for the Picasso exhibit in the afternoon. We fucked around for a bit but the stars weren’t aligning so it was a return to padhaus and the enjoying of many beers before I walked all the way back to Southbank to meet the girls. I got overly frustrated with them for not knowing where GoMA is to meet me, even though thats where we were fucking going. Was drunk and not blending well in the exhibit so we decided to go to the museum and look at the animal displays instead until it was time to get loaded once more.

Met with gleaves and trecked to the plough inn to drink beer and listen to shitty cover bands. It was going great until we had been there for a few hours and conversed with a disagreeing kimber as to the hotness of the bartender (who was babe) I said ‘Well, no one is asking you to have sex with him” that she misheard as “no one would ever have sex with you’. We were all joking around and she said something to likes of ‘could you of been anymore offensive’ that I replied “YES, I hate black people, Asians and men.” (like quoting the fucking internet). The WHOLE bar went quiet. I was trying to explain to everyone that I was quoting that angry bird from the interwebs that of COURSE no one had seen. It was time to leave anyway so I left all at the plough inn thinking I was some horrible racist bigot. B and I got a cab to the valley and searched the streets for a place to buy booze. We walked down the road and stopped to ask a 711 guy for directions. Pretty sure he was fucking with us and just scribbled on a piece of paper and gave it to us with claims it was a map. Finally found some wine and went to watch Sirinival. At that point I was so inebriated I could hardly stand, talked with Burney and georide until b suggested we get some air. I got outside, spotted some guy with a moustache, couldn’t string a sentence together to talk to him so I insisted he have my sunglasses that I had on me from walking earlier in the day. Went back inside wanting to curl up under a train and die, desperately wanting to be out of the public eye because I was THAT drunk, then the band finished and so was my bottle of wine. I think I fell over or something and everyone around me was suggesting that I should really go pass out somewhere. Somehow down the street and Jake and Dylan turned up, they hailed a cab and took me home. They were trying to help me, but i yelled at them insisting that i was going to throw up on them if they didn’t leave me alone. Ha. Fail girl. Went round the back and searched for the key Zap had promised he had left out for me but to no avail. Rang him but he was no help and hung up on me, so i decided to try and jump through my window. In seemed like the best way in the drunken state. I took a big run up and dived through the window hit the ground inside headfirst with my legs hanging out the window when it slammed shut on my shins. Fucking ow.

I turned my phone off, not caring about standing a bunch of friends up with determination to deal with it in the morning, didn’t brush my teeth, didn’t get changed, didn’t wash my face and passed out on top of the blankets.

At some point in the night a fucking hurricane happened. Woke up to someone landing on me which scared the crap out of me and I started screaming. It was Zap and he turned on the lights yelling that ‘IT’S JUST ME! IT’S JUST ME!”. I was still broken from drunkness and I started crying and shaking which he thought he could calm me by yelling at me which only set me off more. So the crying and the yelling when on for a while, until Zap decided to go for a shower or something. I got up to get a drink of water to find him sitting on the kitchen floor in his underwear eating mushrooms out of a can. I couldn’t stop shaking so Zap went to tuck me in bed but somehow tripped and landed on me again and my leg started bleeding, a LOT. So then we sat there for ages trying to make my leg stop bleeding, i don’t remember how it ended and I woke up this morning to face all the friends that I completely dogged last night. Sorry guys. Shits fucking ridiculous.

Friday night didn’t go so much to plan either thanks to alcohol. I keep forgetting that the drugs I’m taking completely fuck with you if you drink. It started off drinking lots of beer and with Teddy and Zap under the house until I made the journey to C’s for a party and had plans to meet up with hams for shopping and dinner in Queen street after. I was having a really good time talking to the PT boys, and then Ed whose one of my favourites turned up and I hadn’t seen him for ages so I kept hams waiting for a long time whilst I got loaded with those guys. Hams was on the verge of leaving, and he had already gone shopping by himself so I decided it was definitely time to pry myself away from the hugs and go see my bff. I convinced him to come get more drunk with me, so we caught the train and returned home with a carton of beer. This horrible creepy was on the train, he was yelling to himself about me and Hams while staring at us. I accidentally made eye contact and he started saying “I’m a crack head, I’m a crack head”. We smoked some vanilla cigars cuddled up on the pavement out the front of my house, and decided to walk to get a bunch of Mcdonalds. We found a car on the road that was a convertible with the top down so me and Hams jumped in it and pretended to drive. That got old real quick so we retreated home to a night of blanket stole sleep.

I went to hang out with Ed and co. On Sunday afternoon. Bunny Boy was there with his girlfriend and I felt a little awkward, nothing of consequence really happened and returned home to try and make it up to bradwick by going to dinner at the casino. It was alright. I had been getting furious that a whole bunch of people I knew, knew this guy I didn’t know and on the way to meet with bradwick, some random dudes befriended me, and I realised it was the dude that everyone knew but me, what a fucking massive coincidence. He was my unicorn. Dinner was good it was lovely to see Bradwick the delightful queen. Went home to watch the little mermaid with Zap which resulted in nightmares, but that movie is brilliant.

Bad, bad Leroy Brown.

noreply@blogger.com (Bionic Vapour Girl) — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 12:58:00 +0000

My mother decides to sponsor the insufficient fund setback and decides to accompany me in a desperate bid to drive a lorry containing my beloved Count and 6 horses from my child hood to a place free of the virus.I drive for hours and hours, I could hear the horses getting restless. Beside the highway is a desolate looking Cafe in the middle of some pristine green paddocks. I set the horses free in a paddock and go to the Cafe for a coffee and a rest. The woman is hostile and irritable, she pours scalding coffee over my face and points out that the time is 1:55pm, and she closes at 2. Get the fuck out.

We've parked the lorry by the highway, and slowly catching the horses and tying them up to the side of the truck. My mother goes to catch the last horse, but she's taking forever. I lead Count up the trailer ramp and put the chain across behind him. My mother is still not back and another horse is getting upset and rips back on the truck, breaking the rope. I rush to catch her standing in front shouldering her into the truck but she tramples me and bolts down the road. The other horses break their ropes and gallop off after the first horse, across the highway. I was screaming and chasing them, but my legs wouldn't work, I couldn't take more then one step without falling. I could hear tyres screeching as one by one they were hit and slaughtered by the cars. I was back with Count who was locked in the trailer and tried to calm him. He reared up and fell over backwards, catching his head on the middle bar. he flipped and fell out and galloped down the road toward the massacre. the trailor was streamed with blood and on the floor half of his face was lying in a pool of blood. I was screaming and crying until I was back at my parents house desperately trying to find him. Nobody around me could understand what I wanted. In the front paddock was 6 black horses lying dead on their sides. They were all harnessed into a carriage which was also flipped on its side, the leader was still alive but breathing heavily. They seemed to be made out of ash with fire red eyes. The leader turned its head to look at me and it was understood that it was going to help me. It got up and started galloping, dragging the 6 corpses and the carriage behind it. Half way down the paddock Count was standing, his face mutilated like that fucking cat (chase no face) and blood was dripping down his nose.

Stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop.

Maybe the interesting has gone and I've become this shell of a person completely overwhelmed by paranoia and fear of stupid things for stupid reasons -the average - the boring. I think that I am confident, and then I realise how much I hide from everyone and why. I doubt they're judging me as much as I think they are. I doubt they hate me as much as I think they do. In comparison, I doubt I am as below average as I think I am. Yet the default thought wins, always.

There are different lights to see through, different ways to interpret. Slicing back from one to another addles and misinterprets reality and ruins memories. It wasn't like that, that was how I made it.

There's so much that's happened, so much I've let affect me when I should have just let it go. Convinced that's how it happened when maybe it was only how I felt and what I brought from it. I'm doing this to myself, maybe I don't want to be happy, I don't deserve to be happy.

Exhaustion, overcoming. What do I do with my time?

crime fighting and moon lighting

noreply@blogger.com (Bionic Vapour Girl) — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 10:47:00 +0000

The weekend was great. H's 8 of 8 of 8 dinner party on Friday night was delightful, even though I got drunk and freaked about not being at home. H put every effort into the food which was awesome. She is good at stuff - mainly just being awesome.

Went shopping with Zap for party supplies and went for lunch with his ma and pa. Found a bunch of tiny dinosaurs for $2.50. Brought the shit out of them. Went home and I lay in bed pretending to be asleep for a few hours while Zap and George tried to put the house together for Zaps birthday. Zap worked out what was going and got me to help tape things to the wall, instead I bitched at him for the next 2-3 hours until he suggested I return to my room. Great Job. Drinking game right up, rest of the night a bit of a blur. Nearly all my favoritist people were there apart from Hams. Seriously, like.. fuck, i dunno, stuff happened. It was great. Was probably a bit too forward and open about the fact that I was going to bang Tom. I bangedTom, it ended the night as far as I was concerned. The next day the house was epicly dirty, with stains all over the walls, it looked like a ..fermented grape threw up over everything. The sticky floor was worth the very great night. Spent Sunday nursing an overpowering hangover and watching the worst movies ever made.

Got kinda strong sleeping tabs that make me go a bit loopy. Woke up Tuesday morning with half my body off the bed and my head upside down, pillows thrown around the room and mattress half of the bed. Was so dizzy to have woken up upside down and seemed to have tipped the sick into my head. Didn't get to go out night of public holiday thanks to super sickness that won't leave me alone. Went to the mall with those guys on Wednesday. My ass fought some crime. Came home and had some drinks with boys and then continued to get completely maggot with Zap. I was meant to go to my parents to visit the doctor that actually gives a shit about me but my dad cancelled by accident. Freaked out and bothered Zap with my tears and boo-hooing about things that are better left unsaid and forgotten. theres nothing I can do to change things now.

I don't feel like there is anything that is in my control that would fix whats wrong, I have buried so many skeletons - I have so many regrets. I know why sleeping is horrible, I just don't know how to fix it.

Then i realised..

noreply@blogger.com (Bionic Vapour Girl) — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 02:42:00 +0000

This is nothing special.

This is not what I want.

I'm boring.

I'm made up.

I'm alone.

I'm made of fear and agitation. living the same way as millions as others. I will never have what I want. I will only ever be happy when I have... when I am...

I'm not going to be famous. I'm not going to be infamous. I will accomplish nothing of note. I am nothing special.

When did I become so boring.