The worst of times.

One of the worst things about the breakup was wondering how I was going to take care of myself. When I got sick, he was there, he looked after me.

I drank way too much last night and went down with the same sickness I seem to be experiencing a lot lately. Its not proportionate to how much I drink and it is pretty much impossible to foresee. I got home at around 2 in the morning or thereabouts, and couldn't leave, couldn't move from the bathroom. Once the sun had come up and I was still there, it was really clear I wouldn't be able to sort myself out, so I had to call H to come help me.

Friday night I was followed home from the train station by a drunk man, I can't protect myself, its so fucking terrifying.

Its really not getting any easier. Honestly, nothing has ever hurt me this much. I can't take care of myself apparently.

Muddy water

And he is gone. Wounded animal.

Still trying to get my life back together. At the very least quit smoking, go back to the gym and finally sort out who the fuck is going to move in here.

Going to pierce my nose when I stop with the constant smoking, will put a ring through it. Dye my hair red.

This is still astoundingly hard, it completely shook me like nothing ever has before. I couldn't expect too much more right now.

Sentence.

Still am not feeling any better. I stand by that if he had of at least talked to me, this would have been a lot easier for me. Having this as a 'surprise' definitely was not a good thing that happened. I would give anything to go back, I'm not sure if it makes me feel better or worse to know he never wanted that anyway.

Boys are stupid.

Friday night was a huge failure. I really wanted to go to CP's gig, but I couldn't knowing Zac would be there. The plans were to go to Kevs farewell party with B and P, but P pulled out because she was too hungover and Jake told me B couldn't come anymore. Made plans to go with Heather, who also had agreed to do CP's door at the gig, arrived at 7:30 when she was meant to start at 8:30 so I was all dressed and didn't even make it out the driveway because she didn't have enough time. Then after I had had a shower and washed my hair B calls to say she was always planning to come but by then it was too late. Then the internet broke and there was a large bug in my room, so all I did was pretty much lay about thinking about how sad I felt.

In the last weekend I have been asked out on a date by 6 different fucking people. This shit is so fucking retarded, its like I have slut written across my forehead. The worst part was when the security guard at work asked me out to coffee 'I never do this, but I think you're so lovely, would you like to go out with me to coffee?' I said 'No.' and literally sprinted away from him in the opposite direction. He doesn't fucking know me, I'm not fucking lovely. Just. Fuck. Off. Where I was last night some wanker kept on at me 'oh you're so beautiful' etc. and described what I was wearing the one and only time I've ever met him over a year ago. Fuck this shit, people are so fucking retarded and creepy. Rationally it doesn't really make sense to be offended when someone says they like you, but its not like I've ever done anything that would imply that I would be interested in any one of them, its stupid and it makes me feel incredibly awkward. I hopefully I can keep pulling the 'I just got out of a long relationship' card for some time now.

Last night I went to Bobby's hens night and to McKenna's for drinks. Still feeling pretty fucking sad. Work is a good thing right now, becoming better friends with the lovely girl that works there, we are going to do some drinking this Saturday night.

Stride.

And, I was right. Eye of the storm. I definitely wasn't going to get away from this without the feeling of drowning in waves of immense sadness.

Its hard to remember why we put ourselves through this, its not like its going to get any better or easier. Its just something that you have to do for reasons that you do not know.

Cracked Toffee

Still have been alright. The footsteps are the worst, it sounds like how it used to and it tricks me for a moment and I hate it.

Can't really get around how weird I've been feeling lately. Limbo.

Its weird that I do not feel angry or resentful towards Zac. Its really just gone straight to being downright afraid of him and greatful that he is leaving the state.

Since having a d&m with CP the other night, I ended up repeating one of the conversations we had with others which was "What others think your major flaws are". CP didn't comment, my mother said I was brittle and thoughtless and Ben that I am naive and act a lot older than my age. It was interesting that I hadn't directly thought of these points before. I acknowledge that I am brittle, like cracking toffee in a person. Its true I overcompensate for having much older friends, but I wouldn't agree with being naive in the slightest.

The knifes edge.

I feel like I'm in the eye of the storm right now. I've felt pretty good for the last couple of days, this went from the edge of the world back to being pretty much OK. Its good, but it makes me almost nervous. I worry about dreaming about him, you can't escape the subconscious.

Today I cleaned and reaaranged the house so that it doesn't look like its missing anything. I didn't want to sit and stare at the places he had once been and remember.

My brother didn't like his job, so the house situation isn't sorted yet. That really sucks. The results came back from the STAT thing I did in an attempt to increase my ranking to get into uni, and it was not good. I already knew I bombed pretty spectacularly in it. I am extremely nervous about being rejected by university for next year, I guess this is the first time I have been relatively certain of which direction I would like my life to take and I can't deal with any more step backs right now.

If I could had any money at all saved right now, I'd leave the country for a few months. It wouldn't be the best idea to take out a loan for such things.

To the blog with the ironic spelling mistake.

I guess I'm going to start blogging again because for a long time I had Zap to rant to and didn't really see the point anymore. I guess I have a need to expell my mundane ramblings.

Also, Its fine to be honest here because I've blogged so inconsistantly that most likely this has fallen off the radar.

Firstly, my new job is pretty good. The people who I work with are just so lovely. There is a girl with blue hair and bad tattoo's that talks like a baby and dots her 'i's' with hearts. She makes me want to kill myself. I found over the course of my last job I lost a great deal of confidence, now when I make a mistake I feel like its the end of the world and I have to adjust, step back, calm down. The girls who I work the counter with are seemingly the most lovely girls. The guard is tall and a bit of a babe. He has a weird sort of auror about him that makes me feel uncomfortable or intimidated, and for some reason, I lie my ass off when I'm talking to him about the most random things without even realising it. I used to do that to Tim, not a good sign.

Secondly, since everything in my life has shifted to the left, I've stopped eating meat. Meat is not really something that I enjoy and so far its been a week and two days. If I get too ill, which is what happened last time, I suppose I will give it up, but for now the trial is going alright. With the stress of the last week I have been smoking nearly a pack a day, that is going to be a fucking bitch to quit, since I worked so hard to get to the point of rarely smoking that I was at.

Thirdly, my brother is moving in with me next week if all goes well with his new job and Ben is moving out. My brother and I have never really gotten along very well, but I really want this to work out. I've always felt pretty unsafe in that house and it would be comforting to me to have him there. He also has a car, which I plan to borrow. He decided to try being vego as well so possibly the food bill is going to be alright to split and I won't have to cook for myself.

I've decided to try going back home tonight. I've realised its not the end of the world but still, being in that house with all those memories and sleeping in that same bed is pretty hard for me. It may result in a return to my parents house, but the 2 hour train ride to work, making for a four hour round trip is not very appealing to me. And thanks to the incompetency of QR I have been late to work twice.

The uni application is being sent tomorrow.

New job, applied to uni, joined gym, changed hair, lost boyfriend, lost housemate. breakdown.