I'm everyone.

Monday 19/01/2009
-Read water meters
-Set up meeting with Halford
-book in 3 major tenancy’s for inspection
-pretend to be working and completing the aforementioned tasks while secretly wallowing in self loathing about how unproductive and unmotivated I am.

“hey miss..

i need a demonstration on parking my car in one of three new car spaces you have provided..Car parks 84 and 85 and proving a little difficult to manouvre when the surrounding car parks are being used. Car park 86 while being the best is also proving a little hard to get out of when parks are being used on either side...

Is this just because we are girls.. I DON'T THINK SO..
is this just because we drive X - Trails... I DON'T THINK SO

i just need the demonstration... I THINK SO!!!
im not joking nicole!!

If you can prove to me that these car parks are not useless i will shut my mouth forever..

:)
What day is good for you??


Regards,
*********”

No one respects me.

Defeated.

My leg has not been working in the way that a leg should work, and I have been going to physio for it. Today when I went there the woman said that today would be trying to work out if there was a way that I was walking which was damaging my leg (which there is, which is caused by having a fucked back). She was all like, touching my feet, and stuff for like, a fucking hour. There is no way that you can get out of a situation like that without looking like a complete nut job.

I don’t think there has been a time when I have felt worse about myself, I’ve put on weight, I’m peeling like a lizard and I’ve got actual burns from super sunburn Saturday, I haven’t had a hair cut in like 6 months, all my clothes are old and tatty and now, after some woman spent an hour touching my feet I have ‘orthotic’ soles to put in my shoes.

My mind has spent the last week or so completely consumed by trying to work out how I could afford to buy an apartment. I’m starting to give up hope, I get a shit wage and no one will lend me a decent amount, I couldn’t afford to get a 2 bedroom place and I imagine it would be very lonely living by myself if something ever happened between Zap and I. I just wish that I could make shit like this happen. I could live there for a year – get the $14,000 first home buyers grant, sell it for a profit, use the money to go overseas.

The fucking nightmares are back. Jesus Christ life is so much better and easier without them.

To have more of a whinge, I’m feeling inspired for once but too fucking tired and without time to do anything with my ideas.

Nothing worth having comes easy.

The new survival of the fittest is to not die from drugs and alcohol.

I’m feeling happy.

Boyfriend and I, still great.

The nightmares are back, though bearable.

Need to work out the living situation. I wish to escape spending so much dead money. I should buy a house instead of a car, I want the car though, I feel like I’m missing out. Short term VS long term.

I want to travel, I want to see things, experience things.

So in theory, lets figure:

1) Yearly salary after tax
2) Deduct rent
3) Deduct amount for food/transport
4) Total – there still being a fat left.
5) Things to make you happy – drinking, cigarettes, bars, clubs, restaurants – per week
6) Total – what could afford to save each week.

So I could approximately save around $3000 a year.

I wish things were handed to me.

I’m still in holiday mode, and it sucks to be back at work. I just don’t know where to go from here. I enjoy this, but it just isn’t what I saw myself doing and I doubt I would be motivated enough to go to university. The mere idea of university is terrifying and overwhelming to me. It would be nice if I worked with people I got along with. Or if I could continue doing this job, get qualified, without going to university. I wish I had more motivation, I want to finish my portfolio, I want to make t-shirts!

The relationship with Zap, is by far the best I’ve ever had.