Tequila.

Nothing is to be took for granted.
I feel pathetic as in so much happ is based on that thing.
I know it won't last forever, and maybe this time round I have so much more to lose.
It's the Ok part that kills me, and how hard that is to find. I'm so happy but so impended.
I am, I am.. OK. it's a shame I can't take it for what it is and live in the moment instead of into the future where its changing and things are lost.
I try to remember that maybe I won't always want this window of time. Maybe in a frame I will look back and want to throw up on the memories of what I have now, but at the moment, it is so
right. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing ever will. Time to accept things change. Stop holding on.

It was pointed out that I am not standing still, as it feels. I have changed, friends have changed. Everything is different, nothing stays the same.

Its the crushing, impending that always gets me.

oh how to get rid of you.

without the pathetic

without the self involvement.

Everyone I have in my life I have made a conscious choice to be around, to include, to enjoy the time spent.

And to those lost, not forgotten.

To those gained, how long for.

She may not realise how much of an adverse reaction she has had on me, she never will. Just the fuck up. Both of you. I'd be better if you let me be.

Its time I should throw this type away.

As to cry, and type and burden my thoughts upon those that occasionally check.

Fuck this.

butter.

I'd rather not miss out, and sometimes things are OK.

No regrets, and no epic shit storm.

Just this expiry date that's playing on my mind. But not to equal any resentment.

Sometimes, I do make the right choices.

I'm sleeping well, thanks to new prescriptions and someone who keeps me in reality where things aren't so frightening.

Work, even, is going really well.

J is coming back on New Years Eve, 6am. She told me she was never coming back, then she said May, and then she said January 11th and now it is New Years Eve. There's less time to muster strength and prepare.

There has been far less nightmares lately, I worried about having them, I worried about losing them. At what point do things become boring?

I miss T* (a lot.).

R was at Stereosonic. I was reminded of incredibly relieved I am to not have to see his face anymore.

There was a flood, that swept away everything. Lost all, but gained some.

I am in love with Zap. Surprise.

Christmas is always really great. This will be the first year though, that I will not have a friendly steed to give a Christmas carrot to. I miss Count more then anything, it makes my heart hurt. Maybe having Zap will be an OK substitute, though he doesn't like carrots.

Tonight, I ate too much butter.