Yeah, stuff.

Saturday night the antibiotics, no food in belly combined with 5 or 6 jugs of beer and a bottle of wine had a not so great outcome. There was like a million things on that night that I was expected to attend and I had plans to show up at least for a little bit at each. Go to exhibition with Kimber and B, go to the plough inn and meet with Gleaves with the girls then get to valley to watch Sirinival, meet up with Bradwick for a birthday drink and return to the plough inn to have times with the boys and girls from highschool.

Saturday began with farewelling hams who stayed over the night before and nando’s with Teddy and Zap. I came on the expedition to the city with them with plans to meet with B and kimber for the Picasso exhibit in the afternoon. We fucked around for a bit but the stars weren’t aligning so it was a return to padhaus and the enjoying of many beers before I walked all the way back to Southbank to meet the girls. I got overly frustrated with them for not knowing where GoMA is to meet me, even though thats where we were fucking going. Was drunk and not blending well in the exhibit so we decided to go to the museum and look at the animal displays instead until it was time to get loaded once more.

Met with gleaves and trecked to the plough inn to drink beer and listen to shitty cover bands. It was going great until we had been there for a few hours and conversed with a disagreeing kimber as to the hotness of the bartender (who was babe) I said ‘Well, no one is asking you to have sex with him” that she misheard as “no one would ever have sex with you’. We were all joking around and she said something to likes of ‘could you of been anymore offensive’ that I replied “YES, I hate black people, Asians and men.” (like quoting the fucking internet). The WHOLE bar went quiet. I was trying to explain to everyone that I was quoting that angry bird from the interwebs that of COURSE no one had seen. It was time to leave anyway so I left all at the plough inn thinking I was some horrible racist bigot. B and I got a cab to the valley and searched the streets for a place to buy booze. We walked down the road and stopped to ask a 711 guy for directions. Pretty sure he was fucking with us and just scribbled on a piece of paper and gave it to us with claims it was a map. Finally found some wine and went to watch Sirinival. At that point I was so inebriated I could hardly stand, talked with Burney and georide until b suggested we get some air. I got outside, spotted some guy with a moustache, couldn’t string a sentence together to talk to him so I insisted he have my sunglasses that I had on me from walking earlier in the day. Went back inside wanting to curl up under a train and die, desperately wanting to be out of the public eye because I was THAT drunk, then the band finished and so was my bottle of wine. I think I fell over or something and everyone around me was suggesting that I should really go pass out somewhere. Somehow down the street and Jake and Dylan turned up, they hailed a cab and took me home. They were trying to help me, but i yelled at them insisting that i was going to throw up on them if they didn’t leave me alone. Ha. Fail girl. Went round the back and searched for the key Zap had promised he had left out for me but to no avail. Rang him but he was no help and hung up on me, so i decided to try and jump through my window. In seemed like the best way in the drunken state. I took a big run up and dived through the window hit the ground inside headfirst with my legs hanging out the window when it slammed shut on my shins. Fucking ow.

I turned my phone off, not caring about standing a bunch of friends up with determination to deal with it in the morning, didn’t brush my teeth, didn’t get changed, didn’t wash my face and passed out on top of the blankets.

At some point in the night a fucking hurricane happened. Woke up to someone landing on me which scared the crap out of me and I started screaming. It was Zap and he turned on the lights yelling that ‘IT’S JUST ME! IT’S JUST ME!”. I was still broken from drunkness and I started crying and shaking which he thought he could calm me by yelling at me which only set me off more. So the crying and the yelling when on for a while, until Zap decided to go for a shower or something. I got up to get a drink of water to find him sitting on the kitchen floor in his underwear eating mushrooms out of a can. I couldn’t stop shaking so Zap went to tuck me in bed but somehow tripped and landed on me again and my leg started bleeding, a LOT. So then we sat there for ages trying to make my leg stop bleeding, i don’t remember how it ended and I woke up this morning to face all the friends that I completely dogged last night. Sorry guys. Shits fucking ridiculous.

Friday night didn’t go so much to plan either thanks to alcohol. I keep forgetting that the drugs I’m taking completely fuck with you if you drink. It started off drinking lots of beer and with Teddy and Zap under the house until I made the journey to C’s for a party and had plans to meet up with hams for shopping and dinner in Queen street after. I was having a really good time talking to the PT boys, and then Ed whose one of my favourites turned up and I hadn’t seen him for ages so I kept hams waiting for a long time whilst I got loaded with those guys. Hams was on the verge of leaving, and he had already gone shopping by himself so I decided it was definitely time to pry myself away from the hugs and go see my bff. I convinced him to come get more drunk with me, so we caught the train and returned home with a carton of beer. This horrible creepy was on the train, he was yelling to himself about me and Hams while staring at us. I accidentally made eye contact and he started saying “I’m a crack head, I’m a crack head”. We smoked some vanilla cigars cuddled up on the pavement out the front of my house, and decided to walk to get a bunch of Mcdonalds. We found a car on the road that was a convertible with the top down so me and Hams jumped in it and pretended to drive. That got old real quick so we retreated home to a night of blanket stole sleep.

I went to hang out with Ed and co. On Sunday afternoon. Bunny Boy was there with his girlfriend and I felt a little awkward, nothing of consequence really happened and returned home to try and make it up to bradwick by going to dinner at the casino. It was alright. I had been getting furious that a whole bunch of people I knew, knew this guy I didn’t know and on the way to meet with bradwick, some random dudes befriended me, and I realised it was the dude that everyone knew but me, what a fucking massive coincidence. He was my unicorn. Dinner was good it was lovely to see Bradwick the delightful queen. Went home to watch the little mermaid with Zap which resulted in nightmares, but that movie is brilliant.

Bad, bad Leroy Brown.

My mother decides to sponsor the insufficient fund setback and decides to accompany me in a desperate bid to drive a lorry containing my beloved Count and 6 horses from my child hood to a place free of the virus.I drive for hours and hours, I could hear the horses getting restless. Beside the highway is a desolate looking Cafe in the middle of some pristine green paddocks. I set the horses free in a paddock and go to the Cafe for a coffee and a rest. The woman is hostile and irritable, she pours scalding coffee over my face and points out that the time is 1:55pm, and she closes at 2. Get the fuck out.

We've parked the lorry by the highway, and slowly catching the horses and tying them up to the side of the truck. My mother goes to catch the last horse, but she's taking forever. I lead Count up the trailer ramp and put the chain across behind him. My mother is still not back and another horse is getting upset and rips back on the truck, breaking the rope. I rush to catch her standing in front shouldering her into the truck but she tramples me and bolts down the road. The other horses break their ropes and gallop off after the first horse, across the highway. I was screaming and chasing them, but my legs wouldn't work, I couldn't take more then one step without falling. I could hear tyres screeching as one by one they were hit and slaughtered by the cars. I was back with Count who was locked in the trailer and tried to calm him. He reared up and fell over backwards, catching his head on the middle bar. he flipped and fell out and galloped down the road toward the massacre. the trailor was streamed with blood and on the floor half of his face was lying in a pool of blood. I was screaming and crying until I was back at my parents house desperately trying to find him. Nobody around me could understand what I wanted. In the front paddock was 6 black horses lying dead on their sides. They were all harnessed into a carriage which was also flipped on its side, the leader was still alive but breathing heavily. They seemed to be made out of ash with fire red eyes. The leader turned its head to look at me and it was understood that it was going to help me. It got up and started galloping, dragging the 6 corpses and the carriage behind it. Half way down the paddock Count was standing, his face mutilated like that fucking cat (chase no face) and blood was dripping down his nose.

Stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop.

Maybe the interesting has gone and I've become this shell of a person completely overwhelmed by paranoia and fear of stupid things for stupid reasons -the average - the boring. I think that I am confident, and then I realise how much I hide from everyone and why. I doubt they're judging me as much as I think they are. I doubt they hate me as much as I think they do. In comparison, I doubt I am as below average as I think I am. Yet the default thought wins, always.

There are different lights to see through, different ways to interpret. Slicing back from one to another addles and misinterprets reality and ruins memories. It wasn't like that, that was how I made it.

There's so much that's happened, so much I've let affect me when I should have just let it go. Convinced that's how it happened when maybe it was only how I felt and what I brought from it. I'm doing this to myself, maybe I don't want to be happy, I don't deserve to be happy.

Exhaustion, overcoming. What do I do with my time?

crime fighting and moon lighting

The weekend was great. H's 8 of 8 of 8 dinner party on Friday night was delightful, even though I got drunk and freaked about not being at home. H put every effort into the food which was awesome. She is good at stuff - mainly just being awesome.

Went shopping with Zap for party supplies and went for lunch with his ma and pa. Found a bunch of tiny dinosaurs for $2.50. Brought the shit out of them. Went home and I lay in bed pretending to be asleep for a few hours while Zap and George tried to put the house together for Zaps birthday. Zap worked out what was going and got me to help tape things to the wall, instead I bitched at him for the next 2-3 hours until he suggested I return to my room. Great Job. Drinking game right up, rest of the night a bit of a blur. Nearly all my favoritist people were there apart from Hams. Seriously, like.. fuck, i dunno, stuff happened. It was great. Was probably a bit too forward and open about the fact that I was going to bang Tom. I bangedTom, it ended the night as far as I was concerned. The next day the house was epicly dirty, with stains all over the walls, it looked like a ..fermented grape threw up over everything. The sticky floor was worth the very great night. Spent Sunday nursing an overpowering hangover and watching the worst movies ever made.

Got kinda strong sleeping tabs that make me go a bit loopy. Woke up Tuesday morning with half my body off the bed and my head upside down, pillows thrown around the room and mattress half of the bed. Was so dizzy to have woken up upside down and seemed to have tipped the sick into my head. Didn't get to go out night of public holiday thanks to super sickness that won't leave me alone. Went to the mall with those guys on Wednesday. My ass fought some crime. Came home and had some drinks with boys and then continued to get completely maggot with Zap. I was meant to go to my parents to visit the doctor that actually gives a shit about me but my dad cancelled by accident. Freaked out and bothered Zap with my tears and boo-hooing about things that are better left unsaid and forgotten. theres nothing I can do to change things now.

I don't feel like there is anything that is in my control that would fix whats wrong, I have buried so many skeletons - I have so many regrets. I know why sleeping is horrible, I just don't know how to fix it.

Then i realised..

This is nothing special.

This is not what I want.

I'm boring.

I'm made up.

I'm alone.

I'm made of fear and agitation. living the same way as millions as others. I will never have what I want. I will only ever be happy when I have... when I am...

I'm not going to be famous. I'm not going to be infamous. I will accomplish nothing of note. I am nothing special.

When did I become so boring.

Desperta

I'm sick, again. fuck I'm glad. Last weekend was epic amounts of fun but I sure did pay for it this week. It's my fault, I pulled it upon myself for rape kissing Zap and catching his disease. Cocaine is a helluva drug. B and JR came round. JR is back, we played a round of drinking games and he got extremely wasted and rolled around on the floor pretty well until Jake drove from Burps to the city to bring B the wallet with her ID that she had forgotten. Went to have a drink with C and grab some lollies, pretty fucking great. We had a drink and a boogie and I went to mish to find B and Zap, instead got chased by a fucking group of dudes harassing the shit out of me, I ran until I found a police officer and they left me alone. Zap, me and B went to Snitch to find Hams and... I'm missing the rest of the night. 4 x too many party treats. As far as I recall it was a "I love you" to everyone, and the rest of the time spent conversing with Zap about how much we loved each other. helluva drug. high as shit. Got home, Hams choked on goon and retreated. Snuggled with Bec, b and Zap for a while until everyone came back from the sky but I was still stuck up there til at least 2 or 3 the NEXT day. Laid a picnic blanket on the footpath at the front of the house and watched the sun rise with Zap. Zap fed B's power = MASSIVE FAIL. Went to bed and had a cuddle with Hams and it was all simply delightful. I'm still on the down escalator its taking forever to get there.

Its been an odd occurrence this week of old random hook ups getting into contact with me. I considered some but threw them all out anyways. Boys scare the shit out of me.

Ergh. I'm pretty sick. Times like this remind me how afraid I am to be alone.