Literally I close my eyes and all I can see is a rotting old man pressing his face against mine. I close my eyes for a second, to blink, i can see this image of this face pressed into mine. It's been a week, and he won't leave me alone.
I have this trap inside my head. A complete other dimension full of stupid complexes, ridiculous theories and nightmarish visions out to psychologically debilitate me. Through dreams is an entire alternate universe that are windows of time forced to a conflict. the part I hate most is that I bring back the scarring to this reality and develop complexes about silly things. Everything I'm afraid of is brought from these hellish nightmares that I can't seem to get over even though its in a different land, a different universe. If I could stop dreaming I would be able to get over stupid things that are huge hurdles for me like heights, claustrophobia, dentists and fuck, even feet. But when I have 2 places I could be at and at the time everything in both places is real, how can I learn to ignore it. If i chose the other way round it would just be me, in a coma, the end. Sleeping is so frightening and such a chore because its stepping through the portal. I need to start going to a better place, I just need directions.
********************************************************
Drinking games last night were great. Catching up with Shanz and Court was really good. Both are long time friends of good value. there was no way Geo was getting out of "I have never, have you ever?" alive. Zap farted on Courtney, fuck yeah. It was so nice to spend the night with a bunch of the most favoritest friends, inside and cosy. fuck you, weather.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
fuckwhore.
Complete lack of self control:
I’m not going to drink AND I’m going to stay home tonight and be super productive.
At least to make an appearance at the end of work drinks...
HOLY CRAP I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU GUYS IN AGES.
....I’ll just have one beer. Even though I drove here and I’m on my P’s.
...OK I’ll drive home and catch the train in and meet up with you guys, but I’ll get George to pick me up after his movie only have a few drinks and go home early.
Free drinks!? Well... “JS even if I offer to sell you my liver, do not give me any cigarettes.”
“George... I’ll get a cab home...”
JS: “Lets have a cigarette” –sure.
And then I’m drunk, high and have smoked a pack of cigarettes at a club at 5 in the morning.
Self control fail.
Whatever, you only live once right? I CANNOT CONTAIN MY SELF DESTRUCTIVENESS.
So I went for a drink with that group on Friday night, and it turned into an epic club adventure with JS (my Columbian friend) but it was the best night I’ve had in a long time. We went to Fridays with C and Sorbi and others. JS and I decided to get super mashed and go to the Family, I didn’t have any money so he covered me. We stopped to get his friend first from an apartment in the valley, but apparently they had only been in Australia for a month or so and spoke little to no English. I really needed to use the toilet since we had just been at a bar for the previous few hours so I ask JS to ask if I can use the toilet. He’s like no.. I’m not going to ask. You have to ask, it would be weird if I asked. I’m like fuck. Whatever. Tell me what to say. Long story short, he tricked me. I asked a group of people if I could use someone’s penis. Great job. PRETTY EMBARASSING. Spent the rest of the night being mashed and making friends with strangers. Made up little dance routines with the boys and it was awesome.
So. Failed at Self Control, made out with a married man, asked for a penis in Columbian. Sometimes, getting mashed is just like - swallowing the emotion regret and wallowing in that for like 6 hours.
Delightful friend P came over on Saturday afternoon bearing delicious bakery goods. I walked one hundred miles to meet up with Nick and Hayley with B. We went to the free Tex Perkins concert but never quite made it to the connect 4 art show. Had quite drinks at Nicks house instead. He is bestguy. It got super awkward when Hayley went on a jilted lover rant about Nick. I was too scatty to be good company, or to deserve to exist. Jake said he was at my house at like 3am so me and b caught a cab back and found the house wide open. Weird. Turned out Zap was home and asleep in my bed. B rang Jake to see where he was at, but then I start hearing all these weird noises and freaked out because I thought George was banging some girl in like Zaps bed or something. Me and B got super creeped out and felt like the biggest perverts listening to these noises so we locked ourselves in the bathroom and turned the shower on to drown out the noise. We had to run to the sun room to see if Jake was there yet, noticed some different shoes by the door and it turned out it was Tony making weird sex noises in his sleep. Crises averted.
I wish I did not crush on that guy – god damn it.
I’m not going to drink AND I’m going to stay home tonight and be super productive.
At least to make an appearance at the end of work drinks...
HOLY CRAP I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU GUYS IN AGES.
....I’ll just have one beer. Even though I drove here and I’m on my P’s.
...OK I’ll drive home and catch the train in and meet up with you guys, but I’ll get George to pick me up after his movie only have a few drinks and go home early.
Free drinks!? Well... “JS even if I offer to sell you my liver, do not give me any cigarettes.”
“George... I’ll get a cab home...”
JS: “Lets have a cigarette” –sure.
And then I’m drunk, high and have smoked a pack of cigarettes at a club at 5 in the morning.
Self control fail.
Whatever, you only live once right? I CANNOT CONTAIN MY SELF DESTRUCTIVENESS.
So I went for a drink with that group on Friday night, and it turned into an epic club adventure with JS (my Columbian friend) but it was the best night I’ve had in a long time. We went to Fridays with C and Sorbi and others. JS and I decided to get super mashed and go to the Family, I didn’t have any money so he covered me. We stopped to get his friend first from an apartment in the valley, but apparently they had only been in Australia for a month or so and spoke little to no English. I really needed to use the toilet since we had just been at a bar for the previous few hours so I ask JS to ask if I can use the toilet. He’s like no.. I’m not going to ask. You have to ask, it would be weird if I asked. I’m like fuck. Whatever. Tell me what to say. Long story short, he tricked me. I asked a group of people if I could use someone’s penis. Great job. PRETTY EMBARASSING. Spent the rest of the night being mashed and making friends with strangers. Made up little dance routines with the boys and it was awesome.
So. Failed at Self Control, made out with a married man, asked for a penis in Columbian. Sometimes, getting mashed is just like - swallowing the emotion regret and wallowing in that for like 6 hours.
Delightful friend P came over on Saturday afternoon bearing delicious bakery goods. I walked one hundred miles to meet up with Nick and Hayley with B. We went to the free Tex Perkins concert but never quite made it to the connect 4 art show. Had quite drinks at Nicks house instead. He is bestguy. It got super awkward when Hayley went on a jilted lover rant about Nick. I was too scatty to be good company, or to deserve to exist. Jake said he was at my house at like 3am so me and b caught a cab back and found the house wide open. Weird. Turned out Zap was home and asleep in my bed. B rang Jake to see where he was at, but then I start hearing all these weird noises and freaked out because I thought George was banging some girl in like Zaps bed or something. Me and B got super creeped out and felt like the biggest perverts listening to these noises so we locked ourselves in the bathroom and turned the shower on to drown out the noise. We had to run to the sun room to see if Jake was there yet, noticed some different shoes by the door and it turned out it was Tony making weird sex noises in his sleep. Crises averted.
I wish I did not crush on that guy – god damn it.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Play
I've been really bored. And thinking about who to cast as my friends if I made a show about my life. I couldn't think of one for everyone..
Seth Rogen - Tobes
Seth Green - Burney
Seth Rogen - Tobes
Seth Green - Burney
Monday, July 14, 2008
rainbows for dreamtime
I just remembered WHY i had a little panic attack in the operation room, they were playing music and 'knocking on heavens door' came on just as they were about to put me under.
Dystopia
one pill makes you larger
and one pill makes you small
and the ones that mother gives you
won't do anything at all
and one pill makes you small
and the ones that mother gives you
won't do anything at all
Well, the doctor assured me that I would be back at work today. My face is still chipmunk-esq and my mouth seems to be growing more painful. I shall ring him tomorrow and request more antibiotics. Its so painful.
At least I am really looking forward to things going back to normal. I always have felt like I needed something more. All it takes is an experience like this to appreciate all the things that are taken for granted. Looking at everything from the other side of the fence changes my perceptions for the better. Maybe I needed this.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Moonface
God I would do anything to skip forward a week. I'm so sick from swallowing blood and I feel like I'm entirely too un-attractive to be allowed to exist. I'm concerned that it hasn't improved even slightly in 4 days.
I can't wait to go home, and go back to WORK, and put on makeup and clothes that aren't made out of pig patterns that are my size. I feel so fucking terrible.
whinge whinge whinge whinge
thanks BLOG
you fucking jerk.
This is every bit as bad as I thought it would be.
I can't wait to go home, and go back to WORK, and put on makeup and clothes that aren't made out of pig patterns that are my size. I feel so fucking terrible.
whinge whinge whinge whinge
thanks BLOG
you fucking jerk.
This is every bit as bad as I thought it would be.
Friday, July 11, 2008
& we all fall down
Count LochinvarWell. Number one of goals is accounted for. Parents have insisted that they pay for the teeth thing. This means I am only like $300 in debt which will be solved soon enough. Today I watched Crash and a Scanner Darkly. Both are pretty good. One side of my face has swelled up like I'm attempting to eat a single golfball but am storing it to one side of my mouth in case I need to make room for more to make a world record or something. Its a bit weird, I'm in pain but not at much as when it was infected and I spent all my energy bitching to Zap about how it hurt (Sorry).
Wait, the weird thing was that the stuff they've given me is making me feel great and knocking me out. It's nice to be delirious and not know to much about whats going on. I got better pain meds because I got what they prescribed and some prescription ones that were left over from someone else so yeah. I'm having a party. A rolling party, where you just roll around. like. in bed or something its damn comfortable.
I have no idea what im trying to say.
type type type.
I think I'm bored.
But I'm not sure, I feel pretty darn .... feely
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Wisdom and other things I don't have.
Well..
I've been wishing for the last few weeks to be in any moment in time that wasn't one of the impending moments I knew I had to go through. In the hospital dressing room I actually considered climbing out the window and bailing but then I realised that 1. over $2000 was paid for this 3. no one was MAKING me do it 4. I would have to do it eventually or be in pretty bad pain for a long time and 5. it's probably going to make me feel a world better.
so.. they put the drip in my hand and the mask over my face and then I start to panic but someone held me down, and then I woke up in recovery shivering and coughing with a mask still over my face. A group of people stood round me for a while and I tried to leave. I had to sit there for like an hour and then they let me go in this room to wait another hour. It was nearly time to go home but then blood starting dripping on my chest and I had to go back to hospital bed to get more stitches and wait a few more hours til it stopped bleeding. I was so jealous of the people that were coming and going, and I was still sitting there. I fell asleep on the car ride home and woke up really wide awake because I was shocked that I had fallen asleep. idiot.
I'm OK. I wonder when the last time I looked this bad was though. The lack of sleep has given me dark circles under my eyes, my face is extremely pale and my lips are white as well as chipmunk cheeks that are just retarded. Bruises all over my legs from falling down the stairs last week and my gangrene-looking broken foot. Great Job. Attractive, yer doin it rong.
I'm going to try address the rest of my problems when I am better. It may not seem it to some that are close to me, but I am slowly working at fixing all my life and my head and getting everything on the right track. It just takes a little longer for me.
I'm going to set some goals.
Like working out my debt
Calming down on work
Fixing my health
but more then anything I want to be able to sleep.
Things are going to be OK.
I've been wishing for the last few weeks to be in any moment in time that wasn't one of the impending moments I knew I had to go through. In the hospital dressing room I actually considered climbing out the window and bailing but then I realised that 1. over $2000 was paid for this 3. no one was MAKING me do it 4. I would have to do it eventually or be in pretty bad pain for a long time and 5. it's probably going to make me feel a world better.
so.. they put the drip in my hand and the mask over my face and then I start to panic but someone held me down, and then I woke up in recovery shivering and coughing with a mask still over my face. A group of people stood round me for a while and I tried to leave. I had to sit there for like an hour and then they let me go in this room to wait another hour. It was nearly time to go home but then blood starting dripping on my chest and I had to go back to hospital bed to get more stitches and wait a few more hours til it stopped bleeding. I was so jealous of the people that were coming and going, and I was still sitting there. I fell asleep on the car ride home and woke up really wide awake because I was shocked that I had fallen asleep. idiot.
I'm OK. I wonder when the last time I looked this bad was though. The lack of sleep has given me dark circles under my eyes, my face is extremely pale and my lips are white as well as chipmunk cheeks that are just retarded. Bruises all over my legs from falling down the stairs last week and my gangrene-looking broken foot. Great Job. Attractive, yer doin it rong.
I'm going to try address the rest of my problems when I am better. It may not seem it to some that are close to me, but I am slowly working at fixing all my life and my head and getting everything on the right track. It just takes a little longer for me.
I'm going to set some goals.
Like working out my debt
Calming down on work
Fixing my health
but more then anything I want to be able to sleep.
Things are going to be OK.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
The Superstupid
Pretty sure I’m dying of tiredness. Sometimes I realise what I’m doing, and try to think back to being rational again, like things I need to stop doing that might help the sleep type deal:
When I wake up in the dead of night I pretend to be asleep in case someone is watching me with night vision goggles. I wouldn’t want my eyes to reflect through the lens.
If I’m playing dead they can rob the house and they don’t have to bother me. But if I disturb them with my flashing eyes they might come hack me to pieces. I don’t want that.
I’m sure there won’t be any robbers with night vision goggles that will be deterred from robbing by girls playing dead.
This is silly.
When I wake up in the dead of night I pretend to be asleep in case someone is watching me with night vision goggles. I wouldn’t want my eyes to reflect through the lens.
If I’m playing dead they can rob the house and they don’t have to bother me. But if I disturb them with my flashing eyes they might come hack me to pieces. I don’t want that.
I’m sure there won’t be any robbers with night vision goggles that will be deterred from robbing by girls playing dead.
This is silly.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Batfink & the dream of Horses
I had a great weekend. I went to lunch with Edwi on Friday, we were at the shopping Centre near work people watching at a cafe type place, when this drug addled dirty looking dude walked out of Coles and these 2 other guys jumped after him. The 2 of them grabbed the guy and pinned his arms behind his back and started forcing him back into Coles. He started flailing around and kicking and the 2 random guys just wouldn’t let him go. Pretty well all the shoppers gathered around watching the spectacle. It went on for about 5-10 minutes and then every male employee from Coles like 10 of them, picked the dude up and dragged him out to Coles back room. I suspect the random guys were plain clothed policemen. Pretty entertaining.
Plans were to go home for the weekend, Tobes and Hams decided to head into the City at last minute but I decided to go to Narangba anyways and hang out with the others. Went to B’s house, I was carting a crap load of alcohol and 3 really heavy bags. Upon arrival the first thing she says is “guess what! I’m going to be an Aunty again!” So congratulations and shit, but the bitch told me the wrong sibling was pregnant as joke, so I looked like a fucking BITCH saying congratulations to the wrong girl. THANKS. THANKS. I slipped on the tiles and lost my balance and fell over and broke my bag. Great entrance. Welcome back.
We got a bit boozey getting ready to go the tav. Courtesy bus was really late. Met up with Kim and Josh and all at the tav. The DJ was fucking terrible playing the likes of ‘murder on the dancefloor’ by Sophie Ellis Bextor so we decided to leave. On the way out bumped into this guy I hadn’t seen since the party held in memory of the guy that died that we went to highschool with a few years ago. That party was terrible, everyone was crying, everyone, and I kept cracking jokes trying to make them feel better, no deal. He was looking like classic nanga bogan with his Holden shirt and was excited to show us his new HOLDEN COMMODORE CAR FUCK YEAH MOTHERFUCKER. It was mega gay. I would kick my own ass if I drove it. What topped it though is that the number plate read 4ORNY. He told us it had to do because he couldn’t afford the H. LOLS were had about portals to Narnia and fauns wanting to fornicate. We left, and got lost in the mazes of Nanga for like an hour. Frustration.
Finally got to Keirans. Dudes I used to hang out with way back in the day were there. Caught ups were had. This wanker reminded me about this asshole I used to date in an asshole fashion, and I reminded him about the time I accidentally broke his foot. I won. So theres like 10 of us sitting around this table catching up, and then someone ordered a stripper. The whore was crazy. She did warn us that it was going to be TRIPLE X before she started and counted to 3, just to make sure or something. She was whipping every one with this crazy whip thing, pulling beads out and lighting herself on fire, I got covered in shaving cream, Wtf, She was hammering dildo’s into her with her shoe and she was shooting carrots at us from her vajayjay. Yeah. Crazy show. At what point does one pick that for their occupation. We called Eric who came to pick us up on the early hours of the morning and played guitar hero til the sun came up. I was disappointed that I had spent a few days going on about how down, thats where Jakes headed, only to lose, and not only lose but be too drunk to even get through one song. Fail.
Tobes and Andrew got super pissed at me for not knowing where I was when they came to pick me up. AC and I had to wait in line at Hungry Jacks for like 15 minutes because the girl that was serving was a girl I used to hang shit on in highschool. Hi karma. We saw Hancock, it was wicked good. Nearly convinced Tobes to don a fake moustache but we ran low on time. Had a party at Jakes on Saturday, played 7 rounds of the wordban drinking game. I kept losing wickedly with way more cards then anyone else. I was also noticeably more drunk then everyone else. This was particularly evident when I was chasing Eric, I ran into a couch and broke my toe. Great job.
Went to breakfast at parents the next day. Didn’t want to stay but got guilted and didn’t get home til 3. I went to see Count the delightful horse of wonder and rainbows. I miss him so much. I suspect that it may have been the last chance I’ll have to see him. He lives at Whoop Whoop and the owner said words of selling him. He ran up to the car, broke my heart. I took him for a ride around the paddock and he tried to buck me off. Adorable little guy. Pretty, Pretty Sad about the whole situation.
Watch movies with Zap’s company last night. I enjoyed Brick, and an ‘dude where’s my car’ is fucking garbage. GARBAGE.
I’m so glad I went home for the weekend. It’s nice to know I still have all the same friends.
I haven’t slept all weekend. I feel broken.
Plans were to go home for the weekend, Tobes and Hams decided to head into the City at last minute but I decided to go to Narangba anyways and hang out with the others. Went to B’s house, I was carting a crap load of alcohol and 3 really heavy bags. Upon arrival the first thing she says is “guess what! I’m going to be an Aunty again!” So congratulations and shit, but the bitch told me the wrong sibling was pregnant as joke, so I looked like a fucking BITCH saying congratulations to the wrong girl. THANKS. THANKS. I slipped on the tiles and lost my balance and fell over and broke my bag. Great entrance. Welcome back.
We got a bit boozey getting ready to go the tav. Courtesy bus was really late. Met up with Kim and Josh and all at the tav. The DJ was fucking terrible playing the likes of ‘murder on the dancefloor’ by Sophie Ellis Bextor so we decided to leave. On the way out bumped into this guy I hadn’t seen since the party held in memory of the guy that died that we went to highschool with a few years ago. That party was terrible, everyone was crying, everyone, and I kept cracking jokes trying to make them feel better, no deal. He was looking like classic nanga bogan with his Holden shirt and was excited to show us his new HOLDEN COMMODORE CAR FUCK YEAH MOTHERFUCKER. It was mega gay. I would kick my own ass if I drove it. What topped it though is that the number plate read 4ORNY. He told us it had to do because he couldn’t afford the H. LOLS were had about portals to Narnia and fauns wanting to fornicate. We left, and got lost in the mazes of Nanga for like an hour. Frustration.
Finally got to Keirans. Dudes I used to hang out with way back in the day were there. Caught ups were had. This wanker reminded me about this asshole I used to date in an asshole fashion, and I reminded him about the time I accidentally broke his foot. I won. So theres like 10 of us sitting around this table catching up, and then someone ordered a stripper. The whore was crazy. She did warn us that it was going to be TRIPLE X before she started and counted to 3, just to make sure or something. She was whipping every one with this crazy whip thing, pulling beads out and lighting herself on fire, I got covered in shaving cream, Wtf, She was hammering dildo’s into her with her shoe and she was shooting carrots at us from her vajayjay. Yeah. Crazy show. At what point does one pick that for their occupation. We called Eric who came to pick us up on the early hours of the morning and played guitar hero til the sun came up. I was disappointed that I had spent a few days going on about how down, thats where Jakes headed, only to lose, and not only lose but be too drunk to even get through one song. Fail.
Tobes and Andrew got super pissed at me for not knowing where I was when they came to pick me up. AC and I had to wait in line at Hungry Jacks for like 15 minutes because the girl that was serving was a girl I used to hang shit on in highschool. Hi karma. We saw Hancock, it was wicked good. Nearly convinced Tobes to don a fake moustache but we ran low on time. Had a party at Jakes on Saturday, played 7 rounds of the wordban drinking game. I kept losing wickedly with way more cards then anyone else. I was also noticeably more drunk then everyone else. This was particularly evident when I was chasing Eric, I ran into a couch and broke my toe. Great job.
Went to breakfast at parents the next day. Didn’t want to stay but got guilted and didn’t get home til 3. I went to see Count the delightful horse of wonder and rainbows. I miss him so much. I suspect that it may have been the last chance I’ll have to see him. He lives at Whoop Whoop and the owner said words of selling him. He ran up to the car, broke my heart. I took him for a ride around the paddock and he tried to buck me off. Adorable little guy. Pretty, Pretty Sad about the whole situation.
Watch movies with Zap’s company last night. I enjoyed Brick, and an ‘dude where’s my car’ is fucking garbage. GARBAGE.
I’m so glad I went home for the weekend. It’s nice to know I still have all the same friends.
I haven’t slept all weekend. I feel broken.
Friday, July 4, 2008
nothing less. nothing more.
Today I fell down the stairs. Great job.
The other day my parents wiped my $5000 debt that I accumulated from a couple of un-fixable cars, an asshole brother, a horse and a drinking problem. Having that looming over my head had always felt like a huge weight that was keeping me here. The reason why I could not be planning to go overseas with Tim and J, get another car or do anything other then work while living out of home, its not they were demanding I pay them back, but you just can’t plan to spend anything if you owe money. It was originally 10 grand but out of pity my parents lowered it. I sold my car to repay at least some of it so I could ask to borrow more to get bond and deposit money to move out of nightmare house. My brother had sold me my last car saying that he could fix a few things on it and I could sell it for 5000 and clear my debt. A year went past, and he still had not made even the tinsiest bit of progress towards fixing any part of the car. In this year the car got into even worse condition seeing as it was not receiving mechanical aid and the fact that the price of petrol was sky-rocketing and being a 6 cylinder car, my brother sold it for less then half its promised value. So.. out of pity again, my parents wiped the remainder of my debt. I just found out my health insurance does not cover dental work done in a hospital. My parents shouldn’t have to pay for it. I’m a grown up now. Welcome back, debt. It’s going to cost me another few thousand dollars.
I wonder when I’m going to start coming out on top. It feels like winning for me, is breaking even, or not losing too much.
I hope home this weekend is going to make everything OK again.
The other day my parents wiped my $5000 debt that I accumulated from a couple of un-fixable cars, an asshole brother, a horse and a drinking problem. Having that looming over my head had always felt like a huge weight that was keeping me here. The reason why I could not be planning to go overseas with Tim and J, get another car or do anything other then work while living out of home, its not they were demanding I pay them back, but you just can’t plan to spend anything if you owe money. It was originally 10 grand but out of pity my parents lowered it. I sold my car to repay at least some of it so I could ask to borrow more to get bond and deposit money to move out of nightmare house. My brother had sold me my last car saying that he could fix a few things on it and I could sell it for 5000 and clear my debt. A year went past, and he still had not made even the tinsiest bit of progress towards fixing any part of the car. In this year the car got into even worse condition seeing as it was not receiving mechanical aid and the fact that the price of petrol was sky-rocketing and being a 6 cylinder car, my brother sold it for less then half its promised value. So.. out of pity again, my parents wiped the remainder of my debt. I just found out my health insurance does not cover dental work done in a hospital. My parents shouldn’t have to pay for it. I’m a grown up now. Welcome back, debt. It’s going to cost me another few thousand dollars.
I wonder when I’m going to start coming out on top. It feels like winning for me, is breaking even, or not losing too much.
I hope home this weekend is going to make everything OK again.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
smiling fights the lonely monster
Well, if possible Geo just made me feel a lot worse about the wisdom teeth thing. Thanks. Seriously. Thanks. I really enjoyed the joke. Really. One of your better jobs.
I had to go to the consultant thing yesterday where they explain exactly what they do to you. I wish that I was capable of going to these sorts of things without bursting into tears. Its oh so pathetic. He was making me listen to exactly what they do because its ‘criteria’. They will make you pass out.. and when your passed out they put tubes up your nose.. and needles in your arms... its a possibility you will get nerve damage... you will wake up your cheeks will be cold... you will have to sit in recovery for an hour... then you will be in pain for a week.
I’m really worried about having a panic attack before they make me pass out. That happened when I broke my arm, and all these people were holding me down while they held the mask thing over my face as I flailed around. I suspect repeating that experience is what’s worrying me most. I know I was super drugged at the time but i made some poor choices in that hospital experience. Recovery was the worst part. The recovery room. Where you are conscious, and people are moving all around you. It’s like being in a dream you can’t wake up from. When I finally got to leave they took the drip out of my arm and it started gushing blood, everywhere, it just wouldn’t stop and I freaked out and tried to get away from it. My own arm. Great job.
I wish that I wasn’t afraid of sleeping. If I didn’t dream I wouldn’t be afraid of anything. Sleeping is the creator of all my fears.
I’m going to give the “POWER OF OPTIMISM” a shot.
Oh well. Meeting Jake yesterday for lunch cheered me up a lot. He informed me I was being silly, and then he lost $150 bet at the casino. We got delicious juice and I went back to work. I was set for a fail weekend to go with my fail persona, luckily, it was average, kind of. The party with those guys was fun. I got epicly drunk though. Epicly. Rolled down a hill with Rothwell which wasn’t a good idea as it was cold and wet, so we did it again. There were jelly shots and people who didn’t really want to know me. H gave me some pretty birthday earrings. I love Lyn and she was there so it was a good night. I wish I had not of had that ‘fall’ though. It has to be one of worst ones. I don’t remember how it happened but I sure did come to meet Mr. Ground.
Went shopping on Saturday, brought things that I could not afford but I enjoy them ever so much. I got a mustard coloured shirt. MUSTARD. “Mr Mustard, marching forth, mustard. Musssssstarrrrddd. Berrrrrghhhhhhh”. I am disappointed no one has faith in the colourful buttons on office shirt idea of the 21st century genius awesome idea. BTW. Fuck you, Rad Pitt. How does one get such luscious locks. Went to little Nickys party first. The set up looked so pretty, and the fire engine red chairs were so appreciated. Katie was excited about her delicious cob loaf that was enjoyed by all. Nick curled his hair for the occasion, and DJ’ed the fuck out of the night, he is simply delightful. Conversed with age deceiving brothers about how Zap could suit any name but ‘Door”. Decided to give it a shot. Nicks brother fell for the joke. Silly guy.
Wanted to stay for longer but the distance away seemed to great and we left. I didn’t really enjoy Chrispy’s that much. It was fun play fighting and junk but the rest of the time was spent yearning for cigarettes and watching people play guitar hero. BOOOO. On the way home Tom ordered 10 cheese burgers, the women in the box was like. 10. 10. 10 like one zero. Yes. 10. I lay in bed for hours on Sunday morning. Just laying there. It was calming. Edwi picked me up to go see sex and the city. We got caught in traffic, we were late to the movie, I lined up but couldn’t pay because it was cash, went to an atm, discovered $30 was missing from my account mysteriously, had to sit in the front row of the cinema because got the last seats, the movie was upsetting, and Edwi crashed her car into a pole. Fail day. Got to Kitty O’Sheas, was in a super bad mood so decided to go before Geo’s band, went to buy cigarettes, felt sad coz Zap left without me when I was gone, but he came back. Spent the rest of the day feeling really sad and defeated. Really, really sad and defeated. Napped in the afternoon but had a devastating dream that ruined me for the rest of the night. Decided I’m going home to spend time with the long lost’s for the weekend, it might make me feel better, even if I have to sleep in a bed that’s not mine.
I had to go to the consultant thing yesterday where they explain exactly what they do to you. I wish that I was capable of going to these sorts of things without bursting into tears. Its oh so pathetic. He was making me listen to exactly what they do because its ‘criteria’. They will make you pass out.. and when your passed out they put tubes up your nose.. and needles in your arms... its a possibility you will get nerve damage... you will wake up your cheeks will be cold... you will have to sit in recovery for an hour... then you will be in pain for a week.
I’m really worried about having a panic attack before they make me pass out. That happened when I broke my arm, and all these people were holding me down while they held the mask thing over my face as I flailed around. I suspect repeating that experience is what’s worrying me most. I know I was super drugged at the time but i made some poor choices in that hospital experience. Recovery was the worst part. The recovery room. Where you are conscious, and people are moving all around you. It’s like being in a dream you can’t wake up from. When I finally got to leave they took the drip out of my arm and it started gushing blood, everywhere, it just wouldn’t stop and I freaked out and tried to get away from it. My own arm. Great job.
I wish that I wasn’t afraid of sleeping. If I didn’t dream I wouldn’t be afraid of anything. Sleeping is the creator of all my fears.
I’m going to give the “POWER OF OPTIMISM” a shot.
Oh well. Meeting Jake yesterday for lunch cheered me up a lot. He informed me I was being silly, and then he lost $150 bet at the casino. We got delicious juice and I went back to work. I was set for a fail weekend to go with my fail persona, luckily, it was average, kind of. The party with those guys was fun. I got epicly drunk though. Epicly. Rolled down a hill with Rothwell which wasn’t a good idea as it was cold and wet, so we did it again. There were jelly shots and people who didn’t really want to know me. H gave me some pretty birthday earrings. I love Lyn and she was there so it was a good night. I wish I had not of had that ‘fall’ though. It has to be one of worst ones. I don’t remember how it happened but I sure did come to meet Mr. Ground.
Went shopping on Saturday, brought things that I could not afford but I enjoy them ever so much. I got a mustard coloured shirt. MUSTARD. “Mr Mustard, marching forth, mustard. Musssssstarrrrddd. Berrrrrghhhhhhh”. I am disappointed no one has faith in the colourful buttons on office shirt idea of the 21st century genius awesome idea. BTW. Fuck you, Rad Pitt. How does one get such luscious locks. Went to little Nickys party first. The set up looked so pretty, and the fire engine red chairs were so appreciated. Katie was excited about her delicious cob loaf that was enjoyed by all. Nick curled his hair for the occasion, and DJ’ed the fuck out of the night, he is simply delightful. Conversed with age deceiving brothers about how Zap could suit any name but ‘Door”. Decided to give it a shot. Nicks brother fell for the joke. Silly guy.
Wanted to stay for longer but the distance away seemed to great and we left. I didn’t really enjoy Chrispy’s that much. It was fun play fighting and junk but the rest of the time was spent yearning for cigarettes and watching people play guitar hero. BOOOO. On the way home Tom ordered 10 cheese burgers, the women in the box was like. 10. 10. 10 like one zero. Yes. 10. I lay in bed for hours on Sunday morning. Just laying there. It was calming. Edwi picked me up to go see sex and the city. We got caught in traffic, we were late to the movie, I lined up but couldn’t pay because it was cash, went to an atm, discovered $30 was missing from my account mysteriously, had to sit in the front row of the cinema because got the last seats, the movie was upsetting, and Edwi crashed her car into a pole. Fail day. Got to Kitty O’Sheas, was in a super bad mood so decided to go before Geo’s band, went to buy cigarettes, felt sad coz Zap left without me when I was gone, but he came back. Spent the rest of the day feeling really sad and defeated. Really, really sad and defeated. Napped in the afternoon but had a devastating dream that ruined me for the rest of the night. Decided I’m going home to spend time with the long lost’s for the weekend, it might make me feel better, even if I have to sleep in a bed that’s not mine.
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