Wisdom is for jerks.

It feels like there is someone bashing my face in with a sledge hammer.
Fuck you, wisdom teeth.

I went to see the new Rolling Stones movie last week and went to dinner with Dad. I got this spinach and pumpkin lasagne that was the best tasting thing in the WORLD. I dropped about ¼ of it on the table though. Classic. I enjoyed the movie, somehow, one day, I will dance better then Mick Jagger. When I got home, I watched ‘Carrie’ with Zap. Man Sissy Spacek was incredibly unattractive when she was young. I was all like “lets stay up all night and watch movies WOOOOO” and passed out from drunkness a minute into the second movie.

I was all about staying home by myself and feeling sick on Friday night, but we went to go see JR after work and got ice cream. Love potion makes everything better so I went to the party with Zap, Geo and Saz. It was really cliquey but I had a great time boozing with our group. Nearly everyone there mistook me for someone named Clare Brown. Whalley had all these cool things in his house like bacon band aids and tic tac flavoured cigarettes. I made friends with some boys there but ended up having an argument with some total fuckwit. He called me an Engineer, said that he hates engineers, and stood in front of me to block me out of the conversation. I said something that completely shut him down, but I don’t remember what it was, all I know is, I’m awesome. Saz is great fun. Somehow, somewhere Zap managed to get messy messy drunk and we all decided to leave. But not before Burney showed up and I pounced on him telling him how great he is, great job. Zap is an idiot and decided to cook pies when we got home, and I told him not to because he would fall asleep and they were in the oven. He passed out mid-cook and woke up at 4 in the morning to find the charred remains and stinky kitchen. He woke me up to tell me to which i replied something to the effect of “I hope you fucking die” sorry, you delightful idiot. L The next night the charred remains were still in the oven so I pegged them at him, but he dodged them and threw them back at me, and it hit me in the face. I lose.

I went to lunch with Tobes and Andrew on Saturday. We went to the store to buy some FLANNO’s and Me and Tobes worked out what that little pocket out the front of boys underwear was for, he decided he wanted to buy a pair but wouldn’t because it was too embarrassing to buy a single pair. This is funny if you know Tobes. I went home to use the internet, and it resulted in mother being angry with me. I left and went to B’s frustrated. She started cutting my hair, and then her mum took over and was like oh its just a big MATTED knot, anyway, now its pretty short, the end. B had shit hot red lipstick, I want some.

After stupid car trip fail, we got to Thriller. I bumped into Jim on the way. Boo! Tobes kept hassling me to get there “I’m a fucking statue dissolving acid in my ears”. It is arse balls being sober at clubs. That soon changed after we got ridiculously cheap lollies. These girls I had chased down a street yelling STELLAR were there and recognised me. Fail. Hams dances like a CHAMP. Jordan gave us free drink vouchers and I was high and thought it was the best thing that had ever happened. The club got evacuated. BOO. Zap ‘scammed some sketchy bitches’. We got a cab home with some crook that Chaz KNEW. Fail.

Wallowed around with everyone who stayed on my bed for a while. Jake got naked. We lay upside down playing guitar hero for hours. Didn’t do very well. I was the last one awake, it was cold. Watched many the movie with Zap, baked under blankets and wasted the day.

I’m no longer afraid of the wisdom teeth thing. I doubt it could be much worse then how it feels now.

**not addicted**

(from last Thursday)
I spent majority of the weekend moping and playing guitar hero with Beth. We tried to cook breakfast on Sunday and somehow managed to ruin the only cooking utility I own. Goodbye electric wok. The house is shaping up OK. There is now a downstairs with a roof too low and without fail, every time someone bangs their head on it. I wonder how many flesh eating bacterias will start eating peoples brains because I heard it started like that... that’s right. My house will eat your brains. Lyn and Luke and the fun patrol came over on Sunday and brightened up my whole weekend. Board games and cheese were had by all. Analysand is from now on something that Zap does, he promptly choked and threw up upon hearing this. Game over, douche bag. Zap and me are the worstboardgameteameverbutimstillmoreawesomethenhim. Geordie Ross-Conley is way cool. A high pitch eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee noise went on ALL FUCKING DAY on Sunday. Fuck you, cheese festival.

I’m still really defeated and tired. I actually fell asleep while driving yesterday and hit a pole but little to no damage was caused. I can fall asleep behind a wheel of a car but not in my own bed? To be fair I was driving for like 6.5 hours. I went Burpengary-maroochydore-coolum(by accident)-Gympie-Nambour-Caboolture-Paddington-Kangaroo Point yesterday. Nick cooked me dinner last night. It was delicious. I ate a lamb chop, for the first time ever. We talked lots and he blew my mind with his theories on everything and nothing. I probably have more in common with him in terms of personality then anyone I have ever met. It’s amazing.
I went home and didn’t sleep. What the fuck. Its been at least 2 weeks since I got more then 5 hours. I can feel myself getting dumber and dumberer.

whatever.

This is going to sound silly but..

Burney had to give me $50 because he lost a bet on how long it would take Zap to forfeit his plans on moving to Europe, he said he would forget, I said he wouldn’t. It’s a year later and in the final stages of the moving plans. Burney and H decide they are going to go with him but I can’t because I can’t take off the invisible shield that stops only me from leaving Paddington house. On the day they all went plane ticket shopping, they left me by myself because they’re my only friends and they wanted to get their tickets. When they left I sat in a dog house inside Paddington house awaiting their return, but they were taking too long. My teeth starting aching and then my top wisdom teeth started growing super super fast and jagged and impaled my jaw. I was trying to scream but my teeth had jammed my mouth shut. Jagged teeth were sticking through my jaw, kind of like a walrus and were super sharp. I tried dragging my teeth across my wrists trying to slit them, I was really lonely and hurt. I managed to cut them pretty bad but it was really messy. Burney, h and Zap arrived back home and i didn’t want them to see the cuts on my wrists or the teeth because it didn’t matter since they were leaving right away and I wouldn’t have to trouble them with my ‘issues’. All I had to do was pull it together for airport goodbye. I snapped off the sticky out teeth so they weren’t visible and nodded at them when they spoke to me with my hands behind my back and packed for the airport. They were standing by the door with their bags waving at me, since I couldn’t leave the house. Suddenly they all turned into cats as they turned and all 3 sprinted across the road just a truck came and they all got ran over. There was nothing I could do. I was alone, not able to make a sound, bleeding to death in an invisible cage. All I could do was watch them trying to get up but they couldn’t since they were squished right into the road and then they melted away.

Fucking, so stupid. I want to bash my head for coming up with shit like this. I can’t sleep, i don’t wonder why.”Shit is rough now days, I don’t know what I’m gonna do”.

I don’t want everything to be so temporary, what’s the point? Change hurts. I don’t like it. I don’t like having an expiry date, things are winding down. Things are always winding down, it will always end. Its not possible to live in every moment to comprehend what the fuck is going on. Contentment, unattainable. I can’t change, I won’t change. I’ll always be stuck here, on repeat. Accomplishing nothing and having nothing able to be accomplished. I’m living how I think I’m meant to. I need this house. I need this job. I need this life. I need to have something. I need things to stay the same, even if things aren’t OK at least they are same. Things are changing around me, and I’m standing still, watching it go by, believing that I can’t, I won’t. I am too needy. Way too needy. I wish I felt OK, or at least knew what exactly is messing with me. I have no idea whats going on. Ever. I’m going to be alone forever. I am trapped. Hurrr.

Blah. Vent. Vent. Vent.

I’ll feel better when I get some rest, whenever that may be. I got too tired/drunk and got sick last weekend. Took last week off from work. Should really buck the fuck up.

Paddington Bear

Well, we’re in the new house. I feel incredibly weird about it. Moving day was an epic proportion of a few hours but we managed to get everything looking pretty put together by maybe 10pm. I didn’t go to Tims Uber night, but he came around for an hour or something before they left on the Wednesday, so I was meant to make up for it on Saturday night, his extravaganza of a goodbye night. We ended up being a few hours late thanks to my freaking out about the new house. I was so drained. I really really didn’t want to move, it was like admitting defeat. I really didn’t take it too well. I pulled the short straw in the whole ordeal, for the old house, all of it were things no one could predict and bad choices. I knew it would turned up like this. I guess I don’t cope very well with change. It feels to be starting over and starting over and starting over and never really getting anywhere for nothing. The world feels to be spinning so fast right now, but I can’t tell if its because I’m sick or because I’m hurt. I’m sure in a week or so my perceptions will be clearer. I’ve got some huge cloud in my head that I can’t work out.

I was trying to ignore Tim until he left so I wouldn’t get upset saying goodbye, but we went to the Mono. I’m glad I did. It was like drug fiended spastic times of 2007 only this time there was no Jordyn and I wasn’t fucked on every drug under the sun. Tim was the king of Mono. Dancing on the bar like Coyote Ugly. Thats a shame. Tori and I once again attempted to befriend one another. Perhaps now that Tim is gone it will be less awkward, but now that Tim is gone, Jordyns gone, Paulas not really around so much anymore, I don’t know why I would have to. It was all to nothing. Tim got me teary in a little deep and meaningful out the back of the Mono. Apparently I actually did mean something to him. I don’t even remember how we got home. Tobes and Hams decided they wanted to stay and turned up in a cab really late. I was in my underwear for reasons unknown running out the front of our quaint little cottage to welcome them, we were having reunions when the neighbour put his head out of the window “Show some Consideration, Its 5 am on your first night! Keep the noise down if you want to get along!” to which I reply “I’m sorry I’m not wearing pants!”
Fucking. Great first impressions.
I’ve been in this weird... sad mood for a few days now. I was on drugs and was worried about going to bed by myself, but then I woke up hams in his underpants spooning me and Tobes spread Eagled next to me, the great big bear of a man he is. It was brilliant. We spent all the next day lying on the lawn with Josh. We we’re going to have a picnic but I didn’t have any food, but I did have a blanket so we did it anyway. Heavily tattooed dudes not wearing shoes walking around the shops near my house we quite attention seeking.

Bit of a housewarming on Sunday night. None of my home friends came; they decided I now live all together too far away to make the effort. I had so much fun. My legs were so sore from dancing the night before and moving stuff but there was still energy for more... I only regret lollies being squashed around my room. I guess all the drama that went with Tim yesterday i forgot about anything else that happened.

I think I slept for like an hour, I got up really early stressing about Tims last day and meeting him at the airport and junk. I had a shower and put on make up, but then I started getting upset about what I looked like and what to wear because it was the last time he’ll ever see me. I know he promises to come back for my 21st but I don’t feel like i’ll ever see him again. I really really care. I wrote him this epic long letter reminiscing about all the great times and how much I loved him. We folded it in the shape of a plane, it was great. H was a fucking legend. She put up with me crying ALL day and took me to the airport and everything epic like that. A big group of people were there to wave him off. Everyone was crying. I know I shouldn’t be, but I was glad Tim was crying. I held up until I was out of sight and then lost it for the rest of the day.
Zap had some delightful movie about magical cats, and we had a fridge full of leftover booze. So h and Zap and I got sloshed. The movie ended and Tim and Eric went on at which point I was the drunkest I had been in at least a year, besides the bottle of tequila incident, and thats a HUGE call. I don’t remember H leaving. All of a sudden me and Zap were walking down to go somewhere, the shop was closed, and then Zap lost his shoes, and then we ended up at Rosalie, then old Milton house, then IGA, then Mcdonalds and then Paddington. I had no idea what the crap was going on. We stopped for directions and the shop people told us we were a long, long way from home. Two dudes were like, Hey We’ll drive you home. I wasn’t keen because bad things happen to me but Zap was all for it so we waited for them to choose a movie and then they dropped us home. Thanks Joe. We ended up watching silence of the lambs and staying up pretty well all night drinking.

I cheated myself...

I finally got work pretty under control. Things are going pretty good. This lap top has made my life a hundred times easier. Last night Zap and JR were out. I decided I wanted to make some coffee, so I plugged in the kettle but there was a big flashing light and i got electrocuted and all the power went out. I was sitting on the kitchen floor wondering what the hell just happened. It was so weird, my arms went all tingly and some of my hair fell out.

The lights came back on but all the appliances stayed off. I was super mad, sure there would be a black out when I didn’t have my laptop and no one was home. I went to the switch box and tried to turn the switch back on, but it wouldn’t stay. I phoned a friend and they advised you have to pull the offending appliance out before you can turn the power back on. So... at least the power came back on, but I felt super funny so I went to bed at like 8. What’s weird is, I super nervously checked the kettle thing this morning and it worked fine. Maybe it was wet or something. Fail night. I wouldn’t survive in the wild.

Anyway.. we’re signing the lease today and I get to leave early. HOORAH!

My Gramma has this joke where she says,

"knock knock" I say "whose there" she says, "I can't remember" and begins to cry.

Work nearly killed me this week. I was so very, very busy. The first day in the pouring rain, i got my foot stuck in a water filled hole on the way to buy what turned out to be a really crappy sandwich, and fell over in a puddle having to spend the rest of the day soaking wet, so fucking uncomfortable and cold. The next day I started off by spilling hot coffee all over my skirt. Brilliant. A contractor turned up unexpectedly to do some kind of job that required a special key to which whereabouts unknown. I hurriedly rushed around trying to come into possession of said key. I ran down into the basement of a far away building because of information I was given that this key was in the BASEMENT office. I kind of tore the place apart and found it, and slammed the door shut behind me. There was a huge crash but i figured i would come back to it and ran to give the contractor the key. I came back to find that in the office the entire air conditioning unit had fallen off the wall crashed down on top of the microwave and a kettle and coated everything in dust thanks to the filter falling out. Fucking great fuck. I came back to the office to find that the contractor guy had fucked up what he was doing and disappeared. Some fucking nut case cleaner trashed a bathroom that was ‘territory’ of another cleaner and then went completely psycho at me saying he was going to get me fired by going to the building owners etc. Theres a lot more to this story about batshit crazy fruitcake but for another time. I’m trying to smooth over this whole thing about someone falling down the stairs that is thinking about suing. The tennis court guy and ‘grabbed’ me as he went to shake my hand. A million people wanted everything done NOW and there’s just me. I had a meeting with some guy about getting a better hygiene service in the bathrooms and he said menstrual cycle. AWKWARD. Its been, pretty.. pretty stressful.

Zap and me got the most delicious ice cream last night called love potion #31 but anything from Baskin Robbins is. P,T*, and Tori and J’s long lost boyfriend came over last night. T* was 2 hours late and Tori and I are still very frosty. He left me in the worst mood ever. Maybe that I’m losing patience in humouring him, and everything else I don’t care about anymore. I’ve gone to bed the last few nights doing the whole “Nobody likes me, I’m so alone, wahhhh”. Last night was so exception and spent the whole night lying semi conscious stressing about everything that I could think of. I can’t complain too much, I’ve been so happy lately. Stuffs gonna get you down sooner or later. I have a lot on my plate, but I always do. It’s time to grow up. Bank cheques, debts and everything.

dinosaur armies

I got a new laptop, its pretty pretttttttttty good.

This weekend was just days. I went to dinner for mums birthday on Friday night to an Italian restaurant in Strathpine. The food was really good but the service was really rheally bad. They had stuffed mushroom type things that were amazing. My cousin said he could give me a lift into the city but he had to make a few stops first. I think the car ride turned out to be maybe 2 and a half hours. it was pretty torturous, he doesn't get me and it stomped me down. It reminded me of being in grade 1 or 2 and no one wanted to be my friend or listen to anything i had to say because I was so fucking strange. I got pretty upset by the time I finally got to the valley. I'm pretty broke right now, I had $60 to last a week and the cupboards are empty. But since I was finally there I decided to pay the $12 entry and buy a $6.50 beer because no one wanted to go anywhere that wasn't cover charge and i would have killed for a drink. The band only had 3 songs left so it was a fucking waste of money. Burney and H gave me a lift back home and Zap and me realised we were locked out. We couldn't get in contact with anyone so I tried to climb up the side of the house up the pipes. Being pretty boozed it wasn't a good idea to do that. i got up and realised it was too high up and I kind of fell back onto the concrete and Zap broke my fall. R had passed out on the couch so he let us in eventually.

T* rang and said he was coming over. He was 2 hours late. damn him. I had a really good time chatting with him until 4:30 in the morning. We went to Strathpine so I could make T* the shirt I drew for him as a leaving present. We stopped at Mcdonalds on the way and there was a bitchy little teenager that was doing a terrible job holding fort. T* told her we wanted to pay separately but she fucked it up and told him to ask the girl at the next window for the correct change. He gave the next girl a $20 note and told her that the first girl had told him to ask her to change it. The girl came back with the $20 note and $5 on top of that. T* tried to explain what happened when the first bitchy girl called him a yobbo. T* threw the money into his car and drove away, devastated. Worst Mcdonalds experience ever. Zap was super hungover so he hid in the II booth while T* and I went to purchase this super great shiny new laptop with Burneys advice. the shirt turned out pretty cool as well.

It was Pages birthday so we all went to Grill'd at Chermside and got monstrous burgers. I had a really fun time dancing with T* out the front of the restaurant and then he left to go to work. I will really miss him. Who will flying high five me! He promises he will come back for my 21st. that's a long time away. and he promises a lot of things.

Zap and I were feeling really defeated. We were going to hang at Burneys but I just couldn't work up the energy to do anything, though I wanted to do SOMETHING. I was convinced the night was just an epic fail and that there wasn't any point trying. It was nice that B was over. Zap and I had planned to wear a 70's bride maids dress and a cape so at least we could say we say around in a cape and a dress on Saturday night. Turns out the dress didn't fit and the cape hurt, fail. it actually turned out pretty fun. Blokus was brought out yet again and when everyone left to go to the valley I lounged around with Zap in my room listening to Fleetwood Mac.

Today, did fucking nothing, with nothing to do. *snowman analogy*.

I'm really looking forward to moving. I got to show T* the house, we stopped by there after Strathpine and the owner was there so I got to show him inside. Its going to be decorated however the fuck i want it to be decorated. Armies of dinosaurs everywhere. I just cant wait to get out of this fucking house.