fail life.

I was thinking I was going to get rid of this blog, but I mean. I'm fucking retarded and always have something to write about.

Long weekend..

Thursday was my last day at the old job. Copious amounts of beer, cake and pizza. Pretty substantial step up opposed to T*'s "BYE." (the last job I had, I worked for a year and was great friends with all, put in a million hours of unpaid overtime and the last day was acknowledge by T* -ex-manager- writing 'bye' at the bottom of the page on the day diary. hurt feelings.) A party was had and awesome girl from the office drove me home. I rewarded her with my gift of a sequined bra from my latest OP-SHOP raid. I couldn't find it straight away and ripped the house up in my drunk state. *sigh*

The night was spent on the fail porch. Some stupid random girls in fancy dress turned up and jumped on Zap as he slept, acting like it was his biggest sexual fantasy to be woken up by wonder women and a school girl, but in reality, its Zap, he was pissed off and they were ugly. R turned up, I don't know how to act around him. It's hard. I wish we had always been friends.

Hogtied the crap out of H with masking tape.

I had set aside Friday to do stuff for my art, I got through a lot and had planned to do more but Bunny Boy rang and insisted I came and joined him at Southbank, he sounded like he was having a good time so I ditched my art adventures and made it to the bar in a light speed of 3 hours.

I maintain he is a jerk, but I don't know why I'm into it. He gets a ten for his dark curly hair and stubble.

So I get there, he is there with a friend, I go to the bar and get a drink. We chatted about crap I don't care to remember the whole time waiting for his friend's "friend" to get there. The friend declares that he and the friend he is waiting for are 'only friends' but he wants to 'hit that'. Her name is *Cuntfuckwhore and but I think nothing of it.

After a few beers, well.. 6, Cuntfuckwhore arrives. I only see her from the back but I instantly recognise her.

Cuntfuckwhore happens to be the same Cuntfuckwhore that slept with my ex and told all her friends to hate me. She spent a little while chasing my ex, though it didn't take much persuasion from her, slept with him, and basically everyone else I know. Her friends fucking hated me, because I guess Cuntfuckwhore wanted to be my exes girlfriend but the ex wouldn't leave me and I didn't know he was fucking good ol' syphilis. One day, I found out, through a good friend at the times boyfriend. (Her boyfriend tried to fight the ex for being such a scumbag, and ironically, cheated on his girlfriend with Cuntfuckwhore). This news was confirmed by a text message Cuntfuckwhore lovingly sent me. Not long after we broke up, the ex and Cuntfuckwhore were together, but it wasn't long before she cheated on him.

Admittedly, I'm still really bitter.

So she gets there, and I immediately start shaking and getting upset. I tell Bunny Boy I'm leaving but he looked after me and convinced me to stay.

So there I am.. sitting in a group of 4, one of the people being my mortal enemy. The situation is not good. I can't leave because that would mean she won. What are the chances of this! we're from an hour away..

I stick it out. I'm in an extremely odd mood.

The group decided to head back to the friends apartment. Bunny Boy kept trying to hold my hand. What a wanker. I didn't want it look like we were together to Cuntfuckwhore because she would probably try and sleep with him too. We were walking in front and I went to return his piggy back ride but as he jumped he accidentally lifted my dress and exposed my butt Cuntfuckwhore, the friend and a bunch of tourist.

Well, so far the night is going well.

The friends apartment was amazing, it was on the 40th floor of some inner city apartments. How do I end up in situations like this? some penthouse with my fucking enemy. I didn't have to deal with her after that, he and her, of course went straight to the bedroom.

I hang out with Bunny Boy, the friends ridiculously good looking flatmate and his ridiculously good looking girlfriend. Conversation was good. BB and I got some wine. The wine ended me. I don't know where the flatmate went. I remember someone laughing because the curtains were open and I was apparently giving him a lap dance, that's very unlike me. That's really embarrassing, what the fuck was I thinking.

My phone starts ringing.

Its B.

Its bad news.

A friend from school had unexpectedly died the day before. Apparently a brain aneurysm. He was the boy that I used to sit next to on the bus. My favorite memory was when we did a art project together in grade 8, and while wrestling fell into some white paint. The paint didn't get on him, but my pants, my only school pants were covered in paint. I ran into the bathroom and took the pants off trying to scrub the paint off. Then an entire sports class of a few grades above walked in.

He was only 18. I used to hang out with him Thursday nights when I was working at Sanity. Its so hard to know he is not going to be around anymore. He would always be at gigs and wearing his hat backwards..

So..

I started crying.

and that bitch saw me cry.

again.

BB walked me to the train station, I came home. I think I yelled at Zap about something and dived about in the hedge looking for my cigarettes I had thrown there that morning in my attempt to quit.

I woke up at 3:30 to some fucking annoying tune, really sick. I couldn't get back to sleep, of course so I lay there until I had to get up for work thinking about how sick I felt.

Work was no-go.

I felt so fucking sick.

I made H come and cover for me and lay on the couch at my parents house until it was time to crawl to the 'Phantom of the Opera".

Which would have been amazing if I wasn't sick.

I bumped into parklife Jules, Kim, Josh, Adrian and Leah. Brisbane is way too fucking small.

Today I met with Toby and Andrew for a drink of 'infused vodka'. We talked about what happened.

Its so fucking sad.

disaray

Work has moved. Moving day was spent playing Frisbee with a mouse mat wearing a cape made out of business cards. Ed was pushing me on a trolley that had a lot of computers and monitors on it, we drove right into a wall and they all fell off. berrgggghhhh. By like 3 o'clock it was only me and ez left in the office staring at the phone, the only piece of furniture left in the office. I left and got cheaply boozed on $4 CORONA'S!

O'malleys was OK with Zap, Teddy and some guy with a distractingly big head and a small face. I went to Friday's but some girls were glaring at me so J came and picked me up and we looked at photo's that JR promptly got hold of and facebooked. *sigh*

I don't remember how it happened but all of a sudden a bunch of friends were around, they seem to flock when there is a hint of a party at the house of death. Accompanied H and burney to the witches and wizards party, it was basically a bunch of hippies on acid. I was really really boozed. Some girl was happily chatting with Geordie and B for ages, complimented Geordies shirt saying that it looked like Edgar Allen Poe, he said that I had drawn it, she asked me if it was, I said "No, but I've had the raven stuck in my head all week" she said "Oh what the fuck? fuck this." and stormed away. I don't UNDERSTAND! H, Burney and I ran into the hilarious English guy from previous parties, house. I dived onto his bed, missed, and smacked onto the floor. Added ourselves to MSN and changed his homepage to "Whosethegayestguyinthewholeworld""YOU, ITS YOU!" Back at the party everyone was onto the acid so I was out.

I saw the art space with ma on Saturday, its alright.

We went to lunch and ate the most delicious chips in the worldddddddd.

Saturday night was epic. I went on a mission to find a copious amount of cheap drugs. Fucked around for a bit and finally made it back home to select a poor choice of a too-skimpy dress for the valley adventures. I knew I'd get hassled but I figured, it was clean, just wear it. I got off at Central station to go to C's apartment. This boy standing in this group of boys looked me up and down with a surly look on his face, i said "WHAT!?" I don't know why, but I didn't wait to hear the answer and i started running away as fast as I could down Adelaide St. I was scared even though it was inner city, I was by myself and my shoes were falling off as I ran. I looked around and realised the ENTIRE group of stupid boys were chasing me.

I seeked refuge just past the security in the first club I went past, which was Phoenix. The security shoo'ed the boys away. I brought some youdels and skulled a couple of cans in C's apartment. Next thing I knew we were at Fridays with free entry's and the abundance of free drinks, the drinks which, I definitely didn't need.

Train rided to the valley, some large Samoan girls befriended me, and ironically some horrible man screamed at us on the train (he was obviously insane) "YOU TOLD ME THIS FUCKING TRAIN WAS GOING TO NORTHGATE, GET FUCKED!"

Saw Kim and all, hit the lowest part of the dignity scale when I ate a pill off the bathroom floor that B had dropped. All of everything hit me at once and I spent quite some time talking to the high school friends I was with about how much I loved them. A girl I was never really friends with in high school said "I always liked you in high school, I thought you were so funny, but so strange. So very very strange".

A random girl was by herself, she was on the large side, unattractive and on the not-the-good-kind-of-nerdy side and I asked if she would like to sit with us for a drink. She turned out to be one of the worst people I have ever met.
Me: " I Like your hair, it really nice"
her: "oh thank you. Your hair is really bad, what your wearing is really skanky, all you need is red lipstick to look like a total whore." "Oh, I'm so sorry, I always put my foot in it. I just saw my dad, I haven't seen him for years he abandoned me as a child. I just saw his band play, he's on heroin"
and then Basically, it was just 15 minutes of her re-iterating to me how unattractive I was. Then she followed me and Beth around the entire duration of the time we spent in the club.

A drink was spilled on the table, it coated my bag so I left to go to toilet to dry it under the heat vents. It was made of metal and i was utterly off my face, I put it right under my arm straight after it had been under the heat, it burned the hell out of me.

We left to go to Press and some stray boys were attached to us. I ditched them in a rude way and at the same time lost all the high school girls. B and I decided to bail to Rics where the line was epicly long.

We waited, and waited, and waited.

Half way through B and I were feeling defeated and contemplating giving up. All of a sudden I noticed a trashy blond edging her way up on my side grasping the wrists of her friends trailing behind her. I noticed she was trying to edge in front of me, and the more she inched, the more I inched on top of her pushing her into the wall. I turned to B and started getting really RHEALLY passive aggressive.

It became a bit of a game and there was no way I was going to leave the line now. At the top of my lungs I was yelling at B "Don't you hate pathetic bitches out for themselves to ruin every ones fucking night. We're one fucking person, It's not our fault their too ugly for the security to just fucking let them through. I'm going to make a fucking T-shirt and its going to fucking say 'was it worth it!'". The trashy blond turns to me and starts yelling back at me, something about it apparently being worth it. Suddenly we're at the start of the line and she goes to step in front of me. I completely shoved her out of the way and knocked her back. I got in first and as I ran up the stairs told the security the pushed in.

I crushed that bitch.

Rics was crowded but it was really fun. I spent a lot of time dancing with a beautiful girl named "Paloma". Sitting outside and completely fucked up, I fell backwards onto a table and for some reason glared at the boy sitting there like it was HIS fault. I left it for a few minutes and realised what I had done. I turned to the boy and apologised for the glare. He was really cute and had a nose ring, and turned out to be the most charming boy on the planet. He blurted out "I'm gay." and then we talked about music for ages and ages and he kept buying me these delicious drinks. He finally admitted he wasn't actually gay, and that "I just wanted me to keep talking to you because you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.". I don't normally buy into that kind of stuff but for like 2 hours he spent telling me how great I was, I thought he was great too so I let him charm me.

At club close, I demanded Geo drive me home (sorry!) but it turned out great because he hung out some more on the veranda. I was fucking fucked fucked. Ridiculously drunk and high. On the veranda I could hear voices on the road below mimicking our conversation. I looked down and 2 boys with an extreme height difference were walking on the road below, So I curled up in a little ball and hid under the doona. B and Geo kept talking so I said "SHHHhhhh" and then I heard the strangers say "Shhhhhhh" so I was very, very quiet.

all was still.

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN THEY PULLED THE BLANKET OFF ME AND SPAGHETTED ME!

so, 2 random strangers on my balcony completely scared the crap out of me turned out to be my neighbours and geo and B did not save me from the surprise. JR woke up because I squealed so loud.

And then I woke up with the biggest hangover from the last 5 years.

subservience

I'm in the worst mood today. I think it might just be from lack of sleep. I was shaking and seeing double, so I went to lunch. I went for an epic walk from Fridays to the riverside expressway bridge, ran back and had time so got a chicken burger from Mcdonalds, took 2 bites started thinking about how I was eating slaughtered chickens, put it down, went to a garden and threw up, smoked a cigarette and came back to work.

Just to clear something up to, my URL is intentionally mis-spelled.

Amity

Last night I ate an entire block of cheese and R & I officially ended things.

I'm eating cheese right now, in fact.

We always knew this was the inevitable and were OK with it for a while, though no one predicted just how messy it would be. Now, despite whether he does end up working all his own shit out, I still haven't. On top of that it would take a huge chunk of time to get past all that history. He said he felt a lot of his actions were just lashing out because he was so jealous. It is obviously for the best he is spaced from me too. I'm glad we talked, despite it being quite painful. At least now I'm not so prepared to completely bail for good on him at the next thing that goes just the tiniest bit off track.

It's all justified.

The story of Hams.

The story of Hams.

I have a habit of getting to be really close to certain boys who are my 'best friend'. I've had a string of these relationships that are just really really intense friendships, so much so its like having a boyfriend but there's no sex, but still all the jealousy and etc. that goes with it. Each time (I mean this has happened on at least... 6 different occasions) the relationship is ruined by 'hooking up'. When the 'break up' happens its just as bad as a regular break up, but with my friend 'Hams' was by far the messiest.

For about 2 years we were the closest of friends. Every possible opportunity was spent together, we also did a lot of little art projects together and had this big dream of making a website to display our stuff. We had all the blue prints and had spent hours and hours putting it together but it never made it online..

We loved each other, but neither of us really saw it like 'that'. One day we were really drunk at a party, I was making out with all the girls at the party because I used to roll like that and Hams kissed me. I believe his line was "Whats a kiss between friends? kiss me like you do those girls" We were dancing together and then all of a sudden BAM right on the smacker. It was the worst, sloppiest drunken kiss ever shared. We can be forgiven though, we were really, RHEALLY drunk. On the way out I remember accidentally stepping on a fire, and Hams lent against a wire fence that he accidentally fell back flip over and got tangled in the wire and I laughed as he hung there a good 5 minutes struggling to escape.

I thought that it would just a be a one night thing and that was all, that we were going to laugh off our drunken mis-adventures. Not long after that night, he came over to my house and we got incredibly, STUPENDOUSLY drunk. Funny story, I remember my brother coming home really upset because some girl he was hitting on had spewed all over him. Great. Hams and I went for a walk to the back paddock, we chased the horses around until we caught Count and both us sat on his back for ages for no reason at all. On the way back he was being too loud or something so I punched him and for some reason we got into a huge wrestling fist fight, which was really serious until we started kissing instead. We once again, woke up feeling awkward and realised things were a bit different between us.

We still hung out all the time and rejected each others advances for the next month or so to try and keep the friendship...

And then I got a boyfriend.

And all hell broke loose.

The boyfriend thought I was cheating on him with Hams, and Hams was jealous and awkward with the boyfriend. hams and I were bickering constantly and hanging out less and less. Partly because of the boyfriends demands, and partly because hams being jealous means he was horribly mean and stand-offish.

We constantly tried to work things but it was pretty obvious we were nearing the end of the friendship. I still remember his exact words at the 'final straw' reconciliation. "I love you, you're the most interesting person I've met. I want to know you forever but even if we don't I'm glad we had our time".

The same things kept happening and then I woke up one day and decided I hated him. I started being incredibly mean. (For anyone that knew me in high school, I could make anyone cry given 2 minutes, and I did. Constantly.) He took it for a while and then he just exploded, and I was already furious so it was all out fucking war at school. Admittedly.. I did a lot of things I wasn't proud of.. and I'm sure he isn't proud of his actions either.

I emptied a garbage bin in his bag, and then threw it on the roof. He pelted rotten fruit at me. I poured water on his painting, he poured water on mine. One day, I had done something like threw away his shoe that I had somehow managed to steal to wish he pegged an orange at my head, at which I threw him in between a door and a wall and slammed the door on him repetitively and then of course, we got into an all out punch/kick fest (we were prettttty, pretttty violent) and didn't speak for a few months.

(The boyfriend had become pretty good friends with Hams in the mean time, and used to go out with my friends without me every time I was sick by the way. Fuck he was a jerk.)

Then one day we bumped into each other at a party.

And shit went down.

He followed me around inconspicuously until I started yelling at him to 'fuck off' and then we got into a screaming match that ended when he threw his drink at me, me punching him in the face and then we got into another fist fight, until someone pulled us apart and we both got kicked out of the party.

We haven't really spoken for the last year.

But today we had lunch!

and we're going to hang out again soon :)

(he informed me my ex is unemployed again. FUCK YOU AND DIE.)

I am less insane now I think.

Bedknobs & Broomsticks

To start off with, I have a new addition to my top 5 movie list. "Cashback" is practically flawless. I think its my new favorite movie.

The weekend was really great. I got into an odd situation on Friday. Plans were to go to Andy Warhol with new friends. They were getting there later then I was so I had half an hour to kill. I had bottles of beer in my bag but i didn't want to get done for drinking in public. All I had in my bag was a boot so I wrapped the bottle up in the boot. I was sitting by the river when channel 10 news crew set up right behind me. It was pretty cool. Drinking beer out of a boot by a river in the background of the channel 10 news report. I rang two people to tell them about it, but couldn't get a word in. It was disappointing.

The new friends were great. I think they're really interesting. It's a pity we got too carried away with the wine and the conversation to begin with because time kinda ran low in the exhibition. I randomly bumped into Shanz and we ran around the whole thing together. We were determined to stay in there for as long as possible even though they were closing. We tried to seek refuge in one of the movie rooms. I forgot how to sit or something and fell over the chair as the security guard came past and kicked us out. fail. Shanz new girlfriend turns out, is a total bitch. We spent a while looking for her and at her recovery she yells at Shanz for hanging out with me and she drags him away.

Some bogan man was yelling at me for having an 'accent' I'm so sick of getting asked this. I'm not from Canada I just have a retarded voice. As we left he whispered in my ear 'Don't pretend to be someone you're not." Thanks fuckwit.

Was walking with new friends across the big bridge near my road. I was going to join new friends to a party but the looming early wake up time accompanied with working I bailed walking past my road and ran home. I hadn't noticed just how drunk I was until I got home and ate like a weeks worth of food.

Jennay visited in the afternoon which was good to see him. I didn't know that R was going to be there, it kind of put me off. I was pretty annoyed he was 'zombie walking' so I just asked him if he was stoned. The answers Yes. It's a big deal because of everything that's happened, its a big deal he makes it a big deal, its a big deal on the situation, its a big deal because of how he is when he is, its a big deal because I'm sick of this shit. If it were anyone else it wouldn't matter but come on, for fucks sake. so annoying.

Zap came over, had to make a detour to his house so went to pick up B. All she had to do is walk across the road from the train station to the shops. That girl has no directional skills. She sent me a text asking for directions to which I replied. "For fucks sake. Work it out."

Zap chose just to wear a petty coat dress type thing. It was very figure hugging and he pointed out that you could clearly see his junk. I wish he had never brought attention to it. my retinas have been burnt. The solution was cover up with a belt. He looked terrifying, and my make up skills while deceivingly bad at first look fucking great laterr. I just wore a giant business shirt as a dress and a tie with a moustache painted on my finger. The party thought I hardly put in effort until i whipped out the moustache finger.

JR decided to come. He looked ridiculous as well yet not quite so as Zap. R and the girl he always tells me is in love with him were sitting on the veranda when I came back. I think he tried to make it as awkward as possible concerning that there were like 3 people home and he didn't introduce us. I thought I might have just been bitter but then others confirmed he looked like he was trying to make it as awkward as possible. I don't get it.

I absolutely loved the boys at the party. Teddy looked hideous and the boy with the beard in the fitting sparkly green dress was my hero. He looked so convincing, not like a tacky drag queen or anything just like he honestly thought he was a woman. He had the mannerism and looked very feminine in the dress and then BAM awesome beard. Shelden as a maid was the best thing ever as well. There was this really great girl there wearing a top hat, tails suit and a little curly moustache and goatee set. She stroked them as she talked it was great. I was hanging out with a really cute boy with a fantastic name for most of the night. It was weird to kiss someone dressed like a girl when I was dressed like a boy. fantastic.

Sunday was really great too. Apart from being a few hours late to P's Tea party, which was to feel bad about. I woke up at 9:48 thinking. FUCK. I need a time machine or a teleporter. She had gone to so much effort. Tiny little strawberry cupcakes, vanilla cakes and cookies all that she had made with little frosted smiley faces on them. I think Bunny Boy might have been a bit bitter with me because I forgot I said I was going to out for a drink with him. Oh well. Caught up with a few friends haven't seen for ages instead.

Twisted Tongues.

This morning I drank 1.25 L of coke because I ran out of coffee.

It's a poor substitute, and when I brushed my teeth I thought about how the acid in the coke had probably dissolved some tooth enamel that I in turn, was making worse by brushing so soon after consumption.

H and I went to see a friends band play at West End last night. It was great. On three separate occasions though, the host of the event pulled me out of the crowd. Terrible stage fright, terrible. I always want to be part of that fun, interactive crowd that the host always strives for but I think it takes the perfect mix of people to make a great crowd, the rest of the time is just an epic fail.

I'm still trying to quit smoking. I went to the bathroom, made small talk with a lady who was wearing a pretty outspoken outfit. She sat down to smoke so I asked her I could join her. The experience to follow brings me to #37 on reasons to quit.

"Wow, I really love what you're wearing. My friend and I were just talking about how great it is."
"I made it myself. I'm bi-polar. I stay at home making clothes."
"Oh.... I'm sorry to hear that. You look really great though."
"Yeah, sparkly things help my condition because I'm so down all the time."
"Ergh... uhmm.. Thanks for the cigarette. I'm trying to quit, its really hard though, I've been smoking for years."
"I took up smoking because I'm self destructive. Each one brings me closer to death."
"Oh... well, that's a real shame to think like that. Those are great shoes too, are they from horse riding?"
"No, they are work boots, back when I used to work before the government said I couldn't because of my condition."
".....Right. well... They look like horse riding boots, and I like horses and things that remind me of them, so I like them"
"I used to ride horses through the forests of Germany whilst filming the hit children's TV show 'the saddle club' if you've heard of it. Back when I was allowed to work, before you know, the ups and downs and stuff."
"oh OK... well, at least its really pretty out here, look at these lights its like Christmas"
"I hate Christmas. I hate myself and want to die."
"OK, that's it. Thanks for the cigarette, I've got to go... "

It was the most exhausting conversation I've ever had. The band were great, as usual. I think the lead singer, basically, is the sex. There was a lot of flirting, which makes it all the more frustrating seeing as there were a few contributing factors as to why I couldn't just jump him on the spot.

I had a weird dream last night, which oddly disturbed me more then most. T* and I are back to speaking on a regular basis, I don't know if I will ever stop getting 'funny' about issues regarding him. I had this dream J's like "I've loved him this whole time, we are actually going to Europe together because we're in love! (ha! you're ridiculous suspicions confirmed!)". That boy is pretty much my kryptonite.

I think I'm over thinking about my ex. I wish I had a time machine. I'd go back to when we were happy and shout at us from my trusty dinosaur steed "Boy, you're going to meet a fucking whore. Your pick up line will be 'Do we know each other, your face looks familiar' and then right after you'll go on a 6 month long tirade of lies". I would be wearing a really long flowing cape where you could clearly read on the back as I fly away 'it's not going to be worth it!'.

Everything & Nothing

This morning I caught a glimpse of my reflection and thought to myself "You fucking jezabel.". I don't actually know what Jezebel means but my interpretation of it means a made-up whore. Why am I offending myself?

I decided I hate this blog.

I think I might delete it.

I wish I could get these thoughts out of my head:
********************************************************************
Spending all day slowly eating a lettuce.
********************************************************************
How much I hate walking in my shoes.
********************************************************************
That time I accidentally ate a semi-defrosted mushroom.
********************************************************************
I hope my new job will give me a value of self-worth.
********************************************************************
Getting my wisdom teeth pulled out.
********************************************************************
Dramatic reading of a real break up letter.
********************************************************************

Tales of Boredom & Misfortune

This blog isn't very consistent. Its pretty much one epic rant and tales of boredom and misfortune. It's a shame, my train of though is this and there and there and there.

I watched like 30 movies last week. "The Libertine" still sucks, by the way, don't give it a second chance. T* came over with wine and "Across the Universe" (a Beatles movie) it was really thoughtful of him. He stayed over and we went food shopping for cookies and alphabet soup the next day. We're just too fucking cute.

It feels like R has vanished of the face of the Earth and I wonder if he ever really existed at all. It's like we both already know the beginning, the middle and the end, exactly how things are going to be, and how to turn out. We both know this, we have the same problems, the same fights and are deemed for repeats until time changes things and each other.

There is one thing that has really, really been disturbing me. I keep thinking about my ex-boyfriend lately. I hate him with every inch of my being yet he is constantly in my thoughts. It's been at least 8 months since we last even bumped into each other and he is still afflicting me. I guess how close I was to R brought up emotions I hadn't felt since I was with him. I am so bitter on relationships from how bad things were with ex. He was like some kind of cult leader that had power over nearly everything I did, I couldn't escape and he so easily crushed me. It wasn't until way after all his lies and deceptions were uncovered could I really look through the glass onion to see how things really were. I wonder if I should call him, I wish I didn't have his number for the temptation but its burned to memory.

Anyone who holds the ability to truly see and accept the other side of the story should take it as a real gift and a paved road to being a good person. I know I'm not always the victim and I'm not always right. I wonder though, how I end up in situations where things so extreme and painful continuously happen. T* once said to me, "For some reason, it's really easy to be angry with and blame things on you. Maybe its because you can take it".

But, I don't think I can.

There really isn't anything wrong at the moment, everything is fine. I still feel like I'm drowning.

non-adventures

I guess I am kinda sorta getting excited about this art exhibition coming up. It will probably definitely miss the target audience but I don't really have anything to lose.

I feel incredibly alone. I had it really together for a while but realise now how much I was depending on R. I kind of think of things of how they are but there is just this huge black cloud hanging over me. I get the sense something is going to blow up with something pretty soon. I wish I didn't feel so fucking down.

Sleeping is an issue, I am so tired.

The weekend was a non-event. I drove back from my parents house to hang out with Zap & co. but plans fell through so I ended up home alone freaking out about everything ever. Well, B was over for a little bit and some of the night was spent searching a field for a refidex thrown away on the infamous Saturday night of last week.

I went to Burneys on Saturday to watch hilarious you tubes, had plans to go out to the valley. Had a race with Rothwell across a bridge that doesn't exist all the time. Got disgracefully drunk, the group was slowly diminishing until it was just H and I so we went to the train station. I could barely string a sentence together meanwhile I was showing some guy pictures of J on my phone saying, "If you ever meet her, you will know... you have met the worst girl ever" or along the lines of. On the way to the valley I realised I just wasn't going to make it. I left H on the train and went to get another train home. Seriously, I was a HUGE disgrace. I remember waiting at the station trying to ignore someone who was trying to talk to me. On the train I was looking at groups of people that I was really jealous of because they weren't as drunk as me. There was some kind of ruckus on the carriage and it took forever to get to the station. I don't really remember my train of thought but I remember running as fast as I could home carrying my shoes, once again.. Glass has embedded. I woke up next to my bed at 7 this morning still wearing my valley clothes and make up smeared all over my face. what a mess.

God. I wish I didn't feel so fucking down.

cranky pants

I feel like fucking shit.

I feel the old unescapable drowning smothering feeling I had missed.

I see images of nothing, and as hard as i try to get there is still nothing and that nothing is meaningless. As hard as i try to get there is still nothing and that nothing is meaningless.



I am still alone.

.emo much?.