And..

Apparently the new trend with lollies is putting them up your butt. There is no dignity in that. My friend was doing it at Vfest. He's like K, I'm going to the toilet to drop. It really shocked me.

I came to work this morning to realise I had left the boardroom filled with beer bottles and forgotten to send the mail. They interviewing my replacement from now. I hope they get someone better.

I feel like shit, I am a fucking failure.

Epic tales of Porkicorn

I was drunk on work beers on Friday afternoon with the awesome Colombian guy in the office, when I left to meet up with J for 'pillaging". We got a ridiculous amount of stuff and she drove me to the valley only for me to realise that my friend Toby said he was too tired and smelly to see me, B had unexpectedly failed plans, Jennay was running an hour late and H, Zap & Geo were also running late, so then J had to drive me back to the city so I could hang out with C and Sorbi for a while.

They were trashed and we went back to C's to rack some lines. C propositioned me for a 'fuck in every orifice by 2 guys" I declined. We went to Fridays, I got in free and squealed with excitement at the stamp that said "Kitty cat" (Cat? I'm a kitty cat, and I dance dance dance and I dance dance dance). H & crew made it to the valley so i decided to trek over by myself, but I was really 'munted' and drunk so somehow I ended up stuck in the tunnel that runs from the city to the valley. PEDESTRIANS ARE NOT ALLOWED THERE. So there being no footpath through said tunnel I was clinging to the walls, finally the light at the end and i climbed over this big fence, fell and ripped my clothes. Then 2 random boys chased me through a park and i finally fucking made it to the fucking fuck club.

Unfortunately due to the stupid happenings and the fact that I was covered in dirt in ripped and broken clothes I was in an angry angry mood for a little while. Completely off my face Jennay finally turned up and I had convinced myself that he was R's spy. We were at this dingy terrible but awesome at the same time club in the worst part of the valley. The crowd were something along the lines of Vince Noir, David Bowie and hot nurses all who danced amazingly. Being dirty danced on by Jennay and Geo was like what it would be like to.. stand between those inflatable dancing men that stand outside car yards. Someone bit me and I have a huge bite bruise. I made a dick out of myself in the kebab store by pressing myself up against jennay asking him if he felt uncomfortable and slipping. I made Geo and Zap drive us home.

I didn't sleep at all thanks to the racking. I was excited for R coming home and he jumped in bed with me. Work was OK. I think I fucked up something. again. I got home really, RHEALLY tired. R kept grabbing me and I got 'short' with him. J came over and said something to piss me off and we had a quarrel but it was all good. I made R and Burney a porkicorn shirt. Went to collect Burney and kidnap Geo. R was a jerk all car ride. It took forever and ever to get there. Bitching was on my driving skills, which I did not appreciate.

Davids party was fun. I tried to make an effort to talk to his friends but, well.. they sucked. It was still fun though. They had cheese there, I love cheese. I ate a lot of it. Perfect music was played. Burney is now the master of the piggy back rides. R was super angry at me about something, turns out he was angry in general. I tried to talk him out of it. no dice. He missed the whole party.

I'm trying to sugar coat this R. I know you'll read this eventually.

The car ride back was great thanks to " JOSIE's ON A VACATION FAR AWAY, COME AROUND AND TALK IT OVER". I can't remember why but we went to my house first. R refused to get in the car because of the chance we might get a parking fine, and made me stay with him to catch the epic train. They left and he started getting even more off his face and jerk-like. I got really annoyed and stormed out. He hitchhiked a ride after me. I told him to leave me alone. Jennay came back to pick me up. R followed me, and got in the car which made me feel like fucking hell for fucking around Geo and Jennay. Obviously he wasn't too concerned about parking fines after all. R kept following me, I told him I would not be near him. He disappeared. I think he walked home.

Geo and I went to meet up with Bunny Boy. BB was really really drunk and was being a jerk. I felt bad for making Geo be the third wheel. BB got angry with me as I left for not coming home with him and wasn't talking to me. I received an apologetic text the next day though. I bumped into Shan-diggity and danced in the street for a while. I love that guy! he has a GF now though.. weird, he is the most hot/cold boy ever.

We went for a drink at Barsoma, met a complete pretentious wanker. He referred to cocaine as 'charlie' and was boasting of doing 10grams in Canada. Honey. that's not that much. He got annoyed with me and my moose talk and Geo and his 'oldness'. (your not old) and left abruptly.

We got over it and caught a cab home, I had a bad feeling someone had been in my room. Sure enough. R went to get his 'stuff' back. It completely fucking pissed me off. We had a screaming match and I went to bed hysterically sobbing. the type when you make a yodelling type of noise trying to breathe in.

R had left a "I'm sorry" note under my door. It meant nothing to me. He got angry with me again the next day because I couldn't just get over it with the click of a finger. He told me he was going to leave for a few months because I couldn't seeing as I have a job here. I didn't know my place in that house was so unsure. It made me feel like fucking shit.

V fest:

I was so sick in the morning. I keep getting fevers, I was shaking and throwing up and generally feeling like death. I was glad I still went because it was amazing. The weather was perfect. It was hot, yet refreshing and crisp. I don't know. it was just the most perfect day. We were an hour late which worked to our advantage because the show was starting an hour late.

It was muddy as hell like summer field days. I lost my shoes. I ate like 5 lollies. which, is pretty good of me to restrain myself really. I got pretty drunk too though. I spent most of the day with this group of people who are pretty cool. hopefully the boy is going to help me out with the exhibition.

I saw:

Hot Hot Heat which were terrible because the sound was fucked. We caught a bit of Robyn and she was OK. It was just her singing kind of thing so it wasn't terribly exciting. Cut Copy were really great. Modest Mouse were fantastic. We were up by the barrier pretty well. it was great. Air blew me away (haha) seriously fantastica WHOAH! Hearing Smashing Pumpkins 1979 made me a little teary. That song reminds me of High School and good times at Lakes old house, staying up til 4 with Jaye and fans on the skate ramp. I was talking to some guy who had a cane, apparently he was in a huge accident 5 or so years ago and had been paralysed for a few years. He has had heaps of surgery and now he can walk. That's so crazy. I can't imagine something like that happening. The Presets were awesome. J spent all day with a cute boy named Paul. "I can tell that we are gonna be friends". RÓISÍN MURPHY (pronounced Ro-Sheen) was one of my favorites, she had these amazing outfits and her sides were the best dancers. the Jesus and Mary Chain and Duran Duran are mentionable as being awesommmee as well.

I left with J and hols to walk some km on broken glass, to the shuttle bus. Good thing I didn't have my shoes.

Hols needed to get her bag from a house in Miami. So we went. It turns out her friends weren't back yet so she got me to break in. I climbed up the side of the house (it was 2 storey) and got stuck through this window on some wire, and there was nowhere to climb down from because there was just this huge glass table underneath it and just crap everywhere. I was off my face and suddenly kind of realised I just broke into a house, fell through and opened the door for Hols. I was busting to pee, so I went to their toilet right, and the door didn't close properly right, and the people who lived in the house came home mid-pee, so they walked in on some random girl, like 3 guys and a girl. I walked out of the bathroom they were all staring at me, I said "holy crap, I just climbed through your window...... and I just realised I don't know any of you. Oh my god. I'm sorry I'm in your house." and then I ran away. Nothing will ever top, how fucking awkward that moment was. Hols never told them who I was or anything.

I got home, R wanted to speak with me I was still upset and he got angry with me again and went to bed. He's leaving for a few months for Toowoomba. I'm waiting on his reply on whether or not we are seeing each other before he leaves. Maybe we could end things alright.

I hate that feeling, when something has happened with someone. You really just want to be with them but you can't because something has happened and life doesn't work like that.

toop

I'm having a text conversation with T*.

T*: "I am currently sporting a cockney accent, my hair has lightened and I'm pregnant, this is all your fault. you suck"
Me: "I see my mix tape has had affect on you but It definitely wasn't as good as my SPAGHET! message at 5am the other morning."
T*:"Liar! unfortunately it didn't live up to your accent and the cat song. Spaghet was over done that weekend"
Me:"A laughable claim, perpetuated by the overzealous teachers of science. Simply construct Newtons laws in a rotating system and you will see a centrifugal force term appear in the form of Spaghett as clear as day. How can you argue with science?"
T*:"Would I be right in saying that you intended the previous message to just say 'press down"'
Me:"That was the gist. and science confirming that only ice cream is more awesome then spaghett"
T*:"I'm eating chocolate eggs!"
Me:"Me too!"
T*:"You are clever. that is all. oh wait! ...nope. that was it"





Yep. I have nothing to blog about since R found this page.

Did you get that package of time I sent you?

It might take ages to arrive..

I quit my job. I have a new, ten x better one.

My ma made me go see "Outback Spectacular" the other day. It was ridiculous horse riding 'outback' disco. This show probably sets in stone for tourists the pre-conceived notions the rest of the world has of us thanks to popularity overseas of television personalities like Steve Irwin and Kath & Kim.

I would like to think that someone, somewhere in the world has been watching Wilfred and thinks that all Australians keep a man in a dog suit as a pet.

Admittedly, a tad of regret panged watching the horses, so I went to visit mine of the weekend. I gave him an apple.

My friend from Melbourne was down so I went to a Narangbabarian party on one of the Easter Weekend nights, played a drinking game that resulted in the consumption of an entire bottle of wine in a quarter of an hour. It ended me. I woke up to the untimely site of a rather large bearded man spread eagle in his underpants on the bed... blue will never be the same again.

R has been on the scale of niceness:

I know he is dying to read something about him. uhm.. R is like prime numbers, unpredictable turns, unconstrainable, tantalizingly regular but never quite the same.

hurrr... apparently Schrodinger's cat was dead.

Snap your fingers, Snap your neck.

I don't know how I feel about the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing. In the eyes of nature humans are not monogamous creatures, marriage was created when the average life expectancy was around 30. I feel that emotions are strung to extremes and it runs a huge risk of getting hurt. But the infinite possibilities each day holds should stagger the mind, the sheer number of experiences I COULD have is uncountably breathtaking.

We live trapped in loops, history deems to repeat itself over and over. Reliving a few days over and over yet we envision only a handful of paths laid out for us branded by the social norm. We see the same thing each day and react in the same way, we think the same thoughts each day a slight variation to the last, every moment smoothly following the gentle curves of societal norms. We act like if we just get through today, tomorrow... next week... one day we will have what we want.

I don't know how talk myself into seeing what each moment could become as opposed to what is already there and whats deemed to repeat. The solution doesn't involve tempering my life to better fit someones expectations of me, or my own pre-disposed idea of what I want. It shouldn't involve constantly holding back and retaining ideas of what I want, and what I need and what is expected from me. Change your whole outlook of thinking, snap your fingers, snap your neck.

Maybe things will work out.

Space & time

I was walking down the road from the shops near my house. there was this big derelict looking building I hadn't noticed before. R was holding my hand and it was night time. I think around 7 o'clock or something. The building was a motel type thing. It was white with broken windows and cracked concrete driveways. The paint was all stained yellow running from the ceilings and the cars around were old and decrepit. Big unkempt hedges surrounded the entrance and the sign read "Half way home accommodations". R pointed out that our street was directly behind the building and that we should cut through.

The sounds of the place were floating through my head, a mixture of angst ridden voices, moans and rustling. The trees branched over and stretched for us as we walked, snapping at our legs and scratching us. the blue lights reflected the shadows onto the chunky flowing red from under the doors slowly flooding the ground.

R pulled my hand and we ran faster, He was tripping on the branches and he started choking. He stopped clutching his chest coughing and blood began to pour from his eyes and nose.

I started crying holding him upright when a hand from the black behind me grabbed my hair pulling my head backwards holding a knife held to my throat. I was pulled into one of the rooms screaming there were men all around. R fell through the door after me onto the ground, he was covering his face as he landed and didn't move. I pulled his hands away and his face was gone, there was nothing but a bloodied mess. I heard a gun shot and felt something rip through me and woke up in my bed.

But I couldn't move. Dark and lights were twisting and twirling across my walls reaching for me like the trees but I couldn't move. My blanket was wrapped around me like a constrictor slowly creeping tighter around me.

I was screaming for R and he came falling through the door clutching his face, his white shirt was covered in blood. I tried to get up but I was stuck on the bed.

Then I woke up. Again. in the same bed.

I sat up and walked out of the living room door.

R was outside smoking a cigarette

I saw him and hyperventilated and passed out.

Then I woke up. Again. in the same bed.

I sat up and walked out of the living room door.

R had the 2 boys I don't like all the much over.

I walked around the side of the house, hyperventilated and passed out.

Then I woke up. Again. in the same bed.

I sat up and walked out, the house was made of white french doors. I was opened a door, it led to a room, the door closed behind me and melded into a wall. the same yellow stained white walls from the halfway. Kramer from Seinfeld held his hand over my mouth and my wrist against the wall.

My skin started to pop out bits of glass, blood was everywhere. It started creeping out under the door leading to outside. I could see outside. I could see myself outside, I was looking at the same scene as before, only out of my body. R was grabbing my hand and we were running from the branches. He was tripping on the branches and he started choking. He stopped clutching his chest coughing and blood began to pour from his eyes and nose.

and then I woke up... though this time for real.

Goddamit R!

You are SO annoying!



blog blog blog blog blog blog


R R R R R R R R R R

Premixed blood.

I'm particularly not good at hiding things. When I get caught doing something I shouldn't, I can't lie to save me, in fact I dig the hole a little deeper.

So this morning I had this feeling "fuck. I should really get a train ticket" but the fact that they check the tickets maybe once a month is disheartening when you go to outstanding lengths to possess one. I normally do get a ticket, but since I didn't have any cash on me and I already asked JR and R last week for spare change I decided I would brave it.

I get off the train and there at least 10 ticketee's by every door. dust.

Go upstairs. 50+ ticketees writing everyone fines.

fuck.

I go to Mcdonalds to get some cash out.

I know there is no escaping the inevitable.

I walk over to the booth selling tickets, everyone is being lectured around me. disgruntles passengers are flapping there arms up and down and complaining about the system. I'm trying to be inconspicuous and not guilty looking.

A big dykey woman comes walking over to me. Fuck. This is the end.

"Are you lining up for a ticket?"
"Yes."
"Have you been spoken to yet?"
"No."
"Why don't you have a ticket?"
"Because I had a weekly ticket but it expired yesterday, and I didn't have any cash on me to get another one, and I already knew that but I got on anyway. I'm lying. I didn't really have a weekly ticket that expired yesterday. I had a regular ticket. And I knew I had to get one and I didn't. But I would have got one if I had the money to get one, but the train was pulling up just as I got to the station. It wasn't really pulling up I would have had time. But I was only coming from Milton! that's only $2.30"

*sigh*

"You know that's a $150 offence. I need to see some ID"
"Says here you live in Burpengary, that's a $10 return trip"
"I don't live there anymore."
"You haven't changed your address, how are we going to track your previous offences, though I would rather just believe you so I don't have to do the paperwork."
"Do the paperwork. I have had warnings before."
"Why are you telling me all this!?"
"I don't know."
"Phil here is just going to finish writing out your ticket"

and then "somehow", I managed to get out of it. I totally flirted my arse off.

Out of a fine, and buying a ticket. alright.

I go to work and I'm delegated the job of Easter girl. I get a wad of cash to go to the bakery and the chocolate store. The bakery informed me that they are sold out of chocolate hot cross buns. Dammit. I really wanted those.

The boy is smiling at me, so I used the tricks from this morning and he cooked me up some especially.

I'm a FIEND!

R found my blog

he knows ALL my secrets. *sigh*

this happened outside work today:

Retarded.

the fear

I've had the fear of the valley, making a return was kind of a big deal. Unfortunately it turned out exactly as it always does. Epic adventures until 7am.

Mum were great. I missed most of the concert though thanks to JR leaving his wallet in a far away land and R having the likening of a bag of cement. I can't go back in time so I shouldn't be bitter and sour my memories.

Oh my gosh, the concert was so good. They are gorgeous, They couldn't really speak a great deal of English though (not that it mattered). They are so cute, like a bunch of pixies. The sound was amazing, but the zoo is generally pretty good for that though.

R was in a 'curl up and die' mood he sulked all concert and went home immediately after, but not before we bumped into B, and lake and all. I should never have confided in B what happened, she had obviously told Lake and he started yelling at R on the street. So fucking annoying. My blood gets hot thinking of this moment. I was so angry, Lake was yelling at me "he treats you like shit, I'm saying this because I care about you so I fucking hate him" Great way to be diplomatic, asshole. I couldn't care less his actions were a direct result of his off-face-ness. He apologised the next day but still. What the fuck.

JR and I went to a bar in the city. He was chasing this lady he would like to see, so I was wing-girl. I just tottered off by myself, met a lovely girl and let him have his private time. We talked about boob jobs and working in the mines.

Returned to the valley. dragged to the family.. dance dance dance, light lights lights, drugs drugs drugs.

mono. T*. dance dance dance.

drugs drugs drugs.

I got the fear. I hate the fear. The: I would rather fucking die or do anything instead of sobering up, and that's when you spend ALL of your money, your food and rent for the next fortnight, that is the fear, not the valley. Sobriety I hate you. Come down, even worse.

Luckily JR wanted to leave. I felt fine until I got home and was faced with bright lights and R. I woke him up and made him drive me to the store to buy ice cream and cigarettes (its 6 in the morning), got there, couldn't decide what I wanted and left empty handed. I spent the rest of the morning cuddling him on the sofa declaring my love for him and asking him to please be happy.... Then I got up at 8 to go to my parents house and lift heavy objects all day.

I think I passed out on their living room floor for like an hour. Gotta stop passing out everywhere.

Ma & daddy came over to the house for the first time. We got stuck in a million traffic jams, and it was really difficult to move the stuff in. hur. I now own a bed, no more floor! hoorah!

I sat for a second to test the comfort levels of new bed, woke up an hour later to H. I hadn't really slept more then 6 hours in one night for an entire week, I shouldn't really be surprised.

Bumped into P and J getting out of the car at the valley for the Ron Sexsmith concert. Decided to have a beer with them at Birdies, that place fucking sucks. It was awkward, though I did see a lot of the old drug fiends I had missed hanging out with.

Went to get food. There was a couple in the kebab store that started hugging me and wouldn't let go, then one of them pretended to be a chicken, they asked me to come home with them, I declined. Some strange boy that DJ's at Press struck up a conversation about liver cleansing and tomatoes. H joined us, and we ate dinner together.

The concert was great, Ron Sexsmith was ever so pretty. One of the audience members was horribly drunk. I fucking hated him so very, very, very much.

Got home at 12. didn't sleep til 1 or 2 thanks to conversations with R. He played his music really loud 15 minutes before I had to get up yesterday morning. I was livid. Then I accidentally put salt in my coffee and my underwear on backwards. Need sleep.

Last night I spent with R. I think I spend nearly 3/4 of my time with that boy. He is best. He picked my up from work coz it was raining. I showed him the kitty cat dance on you tube. JR and R were so incredibly unimpressed.

Had a crying conversation again with R last night. Didn't get to sleep til after 12. oh man. I'm going to sleep tonight... sleep it good.

I'll throw in a picturee. I have made T-shirts for people from these images:

Zac contributed to the Monastry Shirttt

the est of something

I'm going to see múm tonight. I hope its going to be GREAT.

Friends were over last night. It was fun. We went b'owling, I am amazingly bad at it. I stole my shoes in sweet revenge for the jerk who made that game. I broke a glass with my thigh of steel and a little help from Geo. R panicked. It evened out, I also stole a glass from the b'owling centre coz they're banging it down soon anyway.

Quite a few times friends have given me the title of "strangest person they know", I have to say. I don't see myself as being particularly odd. At least I got the 'est' of something.

Got piggy-back rides around the house, rolled in glass, got semi-naked.. demonstrated how only one side of my body gets goose bumps when my neck is touched, ha. (thanks Geo). Fell over in the bathroom. skipped wizard of oz. What more could you want? ...to not have to work ever again.

cosmic goodness

Last week my universe completely collapsed upon itself. This week, someone picked up the pieces of jigsaw and things are pulling themselves together one by one.

On Tuesday, I was walking home from work and was thinking about how I would do anything to not be in the situation I was in. I absolutely dreaded seeing R and thought about how I had no form of distracting entertainment since the break-in.

When I got home, R had completely cleaned the house and cooked dinner. We had a talk and sorted a few things out. He said he was going to Nambour the next night, and had chosen not to have that girl 'come' over.

Wednesday night, J and I went to a bar in West end and out to dinner. While smoking a cigarette we met a women outside of a obscure little book shop and discussed the seduction of Hillary Rodenham. Were walking back to the car, T* rings and demands to meet up. He came to pick me up, we got some cheap booze and met J back at my house. Drank an awful amount and spent all night reminiscing about old times. He's sick. He left, I finally feel like I have closure.

My mum rang, she isn't sick like the doctors told her.

R came back yesterday, this is the happiest I have seen him in weeks. He's back to a hundred times awesome again. I went to airbrushing last night, the boy there did the most beautiful little picture for me. It's on my fridge. My pictaturrre of Miles Davis is coming along all right.

He picked me up bearing good news, but told me in the jerkest way. He said "I've got some bad news, you might want to take it sitting down.." I of course freaked out after all that went down, and he felt really bad. The police had rang, they recovered John and I's lap tops. A junkie had stolen them to sell and buy heroin. how fucking lucky is that!? I feel so much safer in the house now. They got the dude... they GOT him!

This weekend is going to be good I hope. Bowling tonight, Múm Saturday and Ron Sexsmith on Sunday.

This is what I am currently airbrushing:

disappointment.

A bad point about having a blog and being as honest as I, it may give pre-conceived notions.

I hope that there is not any animosity towards R. He really is a lovely person who is honestly no regret to know. He is my friend, one of best and he is going through a bad time. His actions recently have been a reflection of his issues, not of his personality.

There has been an avalanche of lose on me recently. I haven't been capable of talking about it, but some were pestering me. I posted parts of it on here and in retrospect I regret it. I regret all of it. This is only one side of the story, with the main issue being one that very few really understand the workings of.

Someone who has never first hand experienced this kind of thing first hand can have no concept of it all really.

For the moment, I have decided to stay in the house. I need to be there for R.

I feel disappointed. Disappointed that I feel that failure is expected of me. It feels that, no matter how hard I try something will fuck up that is far beyond my control.

No one could have predicted any of this.

While I really, really appreciate the support from my friends some reactions or opinions on the whole thing have me very withdrawn.

I wish I could change things.

the weight of my chest.

Imagine this is an "imagine what would happen if…" story. Uhh… Its hypothetical!

Just randomly on Friday, two of my friends separately brought up with me what they really thought of the whole thing with R. It was basically, he is the worst thing ever for you. They couldn’t have been more right. In the beginning I really did have a lot of felt for R, but now I feel like the whole thing has turned into a twisted mat of unbeknownst emotional blackmail. Its not his fault, I know he had never maliciously intended any of this.

It was his birthday, Plans were to meet me at lunch. I really didn’t feel like seeing him after the chats in the morning. He and Jennay were off their faces. It was terrible. I was meant to meet friends at a bar in the break but it was just too embarrassing having R’s paranoia overwhelming him resulting in him being a huge fucking jerk. I just had this horrible feeling something was really wrong in the break, I started seeing double and feeling sick, but that’s not uncommon so I went back to work early.

We got pretty boozey in the office, as per usual. I said something to offend C and he left (classic me). I went to Fridays after work because I wasn’t too concerned to spend R’s birthday with him on account of he was being a complete wanker. Plans were to meet bunny boy for a drink as well. The bar tender Ed knows gave me a giant glass of wine, it sent me into the stratosphere.

That’s when I got a phone call from T*.

Hurrrrrr.

Nothing at all I wanted to hear.

I’m not going into details, it was pretty upsetting.

I shared some illicit substances with someone and had huge hallucinations, I was pretty upset so I bailed on bunny boy (classic me) and went home but not before repetitively tripping over chairs whilst trying to walk around them.

I was pretty wasted, a man was hassling me on the train and got off at my station so I sprinted home whilst talking to H on my mobile describing my trip to her. When I got home we realized there had been a break in. My uninsured lap top I got 3 days beforehand with all my photos and music backed up on it from when I was like 13 were on it, got taken. JR’s laptop and a few of other things of his got taken. He is in the same boat as me, meaning he didn’t have backups of his files either and lost everything. It didn’t seem as though anything of R’s got taken and he got up on his high horse and actually made fun of us for losing our stuff.

B called me to say she was at the train station so I went to collect her on account of she could get lost in a round room with a window. We were walking back and I was telling her what happened when some boy driving past yelled something like "aroooo" and pegged a water bottle at us. It broke on my leg and left me with a huge bruise and soaked B.

The police came round a few hours later. They were so awful. The women police officer was really blunt and short. They asked me if I had the serial number for my laptop so I went to my room to look for it. I knew it was in this bag that was on the very top shelf of my cupboard. It was a garbage bag I hadn’t had the chance to look through just yet containing my school books from grade 8 to 12, and some metal objects like hole punchers. It fell on my face when I tried to pull it down, it weighing like 40 kg+ it gave me a massive nose bleed, so I locked myself in the bathroom trying to pull it together. I didn’t come back out to talk to the police, apparently they didn’t take us seriously because R was being a total fucking wanker again asking them things like "do you find that most people who break in pawn the stuff they steal to get money to buy drugs, because that’s what I would do".

It was really weird, I got a really random phone call from a friend "are you ok? I've got a really bad feeling?" I told her what happened and she said "But is R ok? I've just go this really bad feeling"

A few of his friends were over, the ones I had taken a serious dislike to a few days beforehand and a few random ones. R was just abusing JR, B and I all night. I was really wasted there is a huge gap between time. Apparently I passed out on the verandah floor and someone moved me to my bed. I was woken up at like 5 in the morning by C hugging yelling "WAKE UPPP!! You got broken into huh? Huh? Huh? Well you know its only going to happen again!!!" I had the worst splitting headache of my entire life, but got up anyway since him and his friend had randomly come over. For some reason R was still awake, it was 5 in the morning and he was sitting by himself outside, he didn’t look well.

C stayed for a while, I started shaking uncontrollably, my head was splitting and felt like I was going to pass out so I got into R’s bed. He wasn’t well either so I went to my own bed and was woken up at 7 by Jennay and B cuddling me. That was nice I guess, but I was conscious again to my massive headache.

The police came around again to fingerprint the house but they didn’t find anything. At least this guy was really nice. JR and I cleaned everything up. I think I was a little bit concussed, I kept misjudging things and walking into walls.

That’s when we realized that R had overdosed. I’m not going to go into details here.

I had a bit of a break down. JR was a bit hysterical.

I’m going to leave a gap here.

H came to pick me up, and we went to the Southbank BBQ. It was really great, I felt awful for being a massive downer. We discovered Geordie and I’s alter ego was enormo boy and girl and combined we were the most giant doctor in the world. We can also dance really well.
We watched some hilarious you tubes about cats and one really terrible one about Gumby. I passed out in the movie, but when I actually tried to go to sleep I started thinking about everything and freaked out again.

H had to listen to my shit for a while, but then Zac and Geordie made me laugh again with the re-enactment of the dramatic reading of a real break up letter.

I went to my parent’s place the next day. I knew I had to face R when I got home so I rang a crisis line and got some advice. My parents were really good, I was meant to be moving the rest of my things but I’m considering moving out so I held off.

R sent me a text saying he doesn’t remember anything that happened and wondered why everyone had fled. I asked him to stay with his parents for a week, he refused, I told him I needed to speak with him and jennay came down for support on both parties. I asked R to be completely sober when I got home.

He was drinking a can of rum when I got back.

We talked about everything. This time the ultimatum is, if he isn’t sober or doing something about it by the weekend, I’m moving out.

He is so unhappy. Its not that he is a jerk, he is just such a mess. He has so much pressure put on him and he drowns. He is the sweetest person and I really want him to be happy but if he doesn’t do anything about it I can’t just stand back and watch. He is someone I care about so much and he comes so close to the end so many times, and on top of that how abusive he gets when he’s off his face. If he isn’t doesn’t address anything I’m going to do something drastic.
It seems JR is moving out.

He poured out his alcohol and gave Jennay his Valium.

He was sober the last 2 nights.

Last night he told me, Hope I don’t mind he is having a girl over for ‘dinner’ on Wednesday. How fucking considerate of him.

It turns out R's stereo got stolen as well, we just didn't realise at the time

Oh and my dad called and said my brother has been lying to me. He hasn’t actually been fixing my car as of late. Its been broken down on some main road for a few days. Apparently its going to cost a massive amount to fix it.

magnet

I can't really comprehend everything that's happened.

Everything has pretty much come crashing down around me, and there is nothing I can do.

I should probably write a book one day, I have a lot of stories.

cup cakes & soda

Seeing as I have $45 to last me a week, (I don't have train tickets, food or petrol though I DO have booze, of course.) when R offered to drive me to my night courses yesterday I hesitantly accepted, for this sole reason.

We talked about things and sorted some issues out. I told him the night before he was being a drunk jerk and that it really upset me. I told him it wasn't the fact that he wanted to get wasted that I was concerned about, it's his motives that really bother me.

I gave him an ultimatum. If he can pull himself together, and if in some time once we have both thought this through properly and still feel the same way, I will make a commitment.

honestly, want to be with him, it just scares the hell out of me that I don't trust him in any way at all. Every single little thing he does I automatically put together that it had malicious intent. I don't know how to get over that.

He replaced the wine he drank of mine and brought me food. It was really considerate.

Getting drunk it pretty optimal, so we got home and got boozed. There seems to be tension between JR and R. R put on his emo pants for a little while because JR pointed out that every time R got boozed he ranted about chemicals and no one cares. ha.

R told me he had to be honest with me and said that earlier in the day he had a girl over, and they had been naked in his bed but he couldn't bang her because he couldn't think about anything but me.

I don't know how I am meant to feel about this. I'm not sure I believe they didn't, but I've no place to be upset about it.

He was going to sleep in my bed on account of, its his birthday today. He put on some romantic classical pretty music, lay down for five seconds got back up and then all I could hear was the pretty music mixed with sounds of hurling.

I'm ecstatically happy today. I don't know why. I woke up bolt upright panicking thinking that my alarm didn't go off and really excited for R's birthday. I was really hungover I went to my car outside forgetting I wasn't wearing pants, and that I now live in suburbia. I got to work and there were delicious cup cakes for everyone, and delicious free drinks thanks to C.

I'm also really happy for Zac, I hope this job works out for him. I know how much he wanted it. I hope he is feeling pretty win.

Prize: most diplomatic award.

I don't know if yesterday could have gone any worse.

I met R for lunch, he was an hour late. He was staggering and off his face. Earlier on in the day over a cigarette with a friend of mine, I asked for advice on how to address the issue. She said, don't baby him, tell it like it is. It was probably bad advice for what could possibly be the least diplomatic girl in the world.

As soon as R got there, I went on a big tirade about how he was a fucking wanker and asking him if he knew how pathetic he was.

-This was the not the best course of action.

We went to walk to the mall to get lunch, and he pretty much collapsed on the way. I had to buy us lunch, which I couldn't afford.

Trying to tell someone that you are concerned about their drug use, apparently couldn't sound any more hypocritical coming from me. He basically said he knows what he's doing and he doesn't care, and in no way was he going to take any advice from me. He tried to tell me that this isn't because of me, but it is. Its a combination of that and having to go back to uni to do a course he is only doing to make his parents happy. I really made things at least 10x worse. I said something about it being unfair of him to kind of rub it in mine and JR's face what he was doing, and then he said something about it being 'his' house. I chose to ignore it.

I am such an idiot. He even said, this was the least tactful thing you could have done.

I asked him how he felt about us, and tears seemed to well up. I pretty much left in a huff.

Then I started worrying about if he was going to get home OK. I sent him like 5 messages apologising. I said that I was sorry, and that I realise now that was not a very good way to go about it. He said he loved me in the "your a wonderful person way" I said I loved him full stop. He asked if we could do something together that night, I said I couldn't because T* was coming over. I started getting really sick, like I always do because I'm bad at life.

It was a really really bad night for plans for T* to come over. I decided not to cancel, despite what I was sacrificing and ignoring how bad things were and the fact that it would only makes things worse with R because I really wanted to see him.

I got home, R and I had another argument. He said he had talked to JR about it, and he was fine with it so long as we were really serious about being together. Once again, I had to tell him. I am simply not capable of being a relationship, and we live together, it couldn't get any more serious then that. I can't cope.

Another fight.

Its 7:45, T* said he would be there at 6. R and I go to the shops so I can spend money I can't afford on wine for T*.

Get home and receive a message from T* saying:
"Please hear the sincerity in the message, something has come up and I cant make it tonight. I don't want to talk about it. Please believe me that i was really looking forward to seeing you, can I take you out to dinner on Friday to make up for it"

I started crying, pretty well hysterically. Partly because for once, I actually thought T* was going to make an effort, partly because of R and partly because I spent my food/rent money for next week on these jerks.

I went for a walk in an attempt to compose myself. I can't remember what happened. R found me, and apologised for everything.

Everything was kind of OK for a little while, until I replied to T*'s message "I hope your OK. I'm pretty disappointed. I cant do Friday. I hope to see you before you leave you mean a lot to me. I hope things get better for you."

and he didn't write back
so I sent another, because I'm just that pathetic.

"maybe you can ring me sometime when you can actually make it."

and he didn't write back

so I called him this morning,

and he didn't answer.

epic fail.

R started drinking the wine I got for T*. Went back on everything we had talked about being a drunk jerk. Pretty much threw his apology back in my face.

I went to my room.

and didn't come out.

The flowers in my garden grow down.

Yesterday was pretty annoying/good.



J and P were messing with my head (I'm assuming that was their intention) and it was really hard to piece together a plan for last night. I somehow managed to make C annoyed and might well have been the demise of his and B's fling. I refuse to take responsibility for this one though, this is why I don't talk about my friend's relationships very often. The argument with R was pretty annoying too, but whatever. He knew I didn't 'overhear' it, damn it. He's so much better then me with my social retardness and him with his OP1.



I'm meeting with R today to discuss the fact that he had asked me to encourage him to do his uni work, right. Yet I have doubts he has even been to a lecture yet. Pretty sure he was mis-prescribed what he's taking because who the fuck needs to be drugged that much. All he's doing is concocting his mixtures, and getting really off his face. I guess I don't know too much about it, except that he doesn't look too well doing what he's doing.



He's using the excuse that he is upset about us and I. I asked J's advice and she said I had the power to stop it because he plays off my actions and that I should stop being so submissive. I guess she's right. He's very co-dependant. I really don't believe he is actually upset about me, it doesn't seem logical to rub it in my face that he's upset like this if it were really the reason. Like I've said before, he's using me as an excuse. I'm over it.



I met with H and her friends after work for coffee, it was good. A guy I've sorta-kinda-undisclosed type thing sent me a picture message of his pet bunny. It had a collar on it... I don't know what to say about that. H and J were over my house last night, we made wraps and trying to remember the name of the move "Amity ville horror" nearly killed my brain, I had to phone a friend.

It took JR like 10 minutes to take one photo. *sigh.

J spent ages last night telling me that T* was going to be a no-show tonight, and to prepare for disappointment. Gah. He probably will flake. Regardless of J's chants of "he's not going to commmeeee" I still will be horribly upset should that be the outcome.

valid reasons Im an idiot.

I was just talking with C about last night (the ridiculous weed/happenings night). I said, R really annoyed me last night, I think I just find him really irritating when hes stoned. C acted kind of weird for a while and I felt that there was something he wasn't telling me so I spent an hour or so trying to persuade him to let me in.

He said R was acting really jealous about me, asking him who I was seeing, making out that he got with my friends, asked if I was 'blowing' the directors. C couldn't really remember details too well and told me to just let it go because he was probably the one who was wrong.

I was annoyed, and rightfully so, I believe. In some way I think I was kind of relieved because it would probably be better if he was being a jerk to me. I sent him a message, sneakily not getting C into trouble saying "I know you were messy last night, but I heard you say some pretty inappropriate things. I hope you didn't mean it." I was up there sitting on my moral high horse telling him what I had 'overheard' to which he replied "honey I hate that kind of talk.. I remember talking about the directors but not about you blowing them. If i really did say those things they re vile and crude and it distresses me that i did and I'm really sorry babe, you know you mean a lot to me". He counteracted my attack. There is no where to go from there. I can't be angry with him, he apologised for something neither of us knew he actually did.

This is where my extreme paranoia jumps in and I am extremely annoyed at his supreme defense move, and amazed at his ability to defuse the whole situation. I didn't want to let it go but I was talking to my friend about it and she was like, Oh man. he wins. She was impressed. I thought he had some kind of super power of JERK, but my friend managed to convince me that its probably actually because hes a good guy, and that he hadn't actually plotted all this just to get me.

She said:

You cant win. He apologised for something hes not even sure he's done.
a) You got no proof
b) He counteracted your attack.

Live and learn.

He sent me a second text saying: "I'm really really sick at the thought of me saying that stuff babe I'm so sorry"

My friend says, DUDE YOU LOSE.


I lost that fight so hardcoredly.

Dammit. He's a jerk because he is nice to me, and a jerk because he isn't

?GAHHHAHWEUQBG

*Head Explodes*

obscure success

I was re-reading old posts yesterday when I read change. I've nearly accomplished that list. Admittedly I have only 'touched' the blank canvas, meaning.. there is a few pencil lines marking out what I plan to paint.. and that's all I've done for the past 4 months. I actually have a place in a gallery for 'artist of the month' in May, but I need to get at least 20 pieces for it or I'll have to pull out. I think I should change my mind set to my art being my job, I don't want to do it because I get very little free time, but I HAVE to do it because I can't quit my job and this is what I really want to do. Instead of spending every night getting stoned or drunk into oblivion I should finally start doing something about my goals.





If I could just get over occupying every second and losing it when I'm alone I would be much more successful.





Moved out, not with J which is probably for the best. Our ups and downs would have been difficult to deal with living together. I am pretty much sober of the chemical kind at least. I figure that weed isn't a hard drug so it doesn't count, and my drinking admittedly is a lot worse now. As far as the valley goes... I have the fear.





I guess the whole thing with T* could have gone better. While he isn't my boss anymore, he is hardly in my life at all. I guess that's how he is though, he has trouble keeping friends I have trouble always being the one to make the effort. Occasionally he will let me know he is thinking about me, but it still hurts to feel like your letting go of what has been one of the greatest influences to your life. I guess he never knew how much he affected me, and that's probably for the best as well. At least I can take out of it that we had some awesome times together, and while I know we won't keep in touch when he moves away I am really happy to have at least known him.


I hope to one day have that affect on someone.

_______________________________

I had planned to make JR and R dinner last night, because it would have been the nice thing to do and R didn't have any money. C wanted to come around and have a session with his horribly strong weed and the night pretty well turned out ridiculous. To start with and I went to the shopping centre on the way home from work in his car which, is everything I am against, its the gayest thing ever. He has some ford sedan, I don't know or care what it is, with a turbo in it and subs and GAYNESS. It makes that woop woop wooop noise when he changes gear. He was trying to 'drift' I believe. Man, then he put on that Akon song, I want to fuck you.

I considered kicking my own arse just for being in the car with him.

So everyone is sitting around smoking this weed, this weed from out of space that ended me last Friday. I tried something called a 'snow cone' which is Ecstasy sprinkled throughout a cone, then I started cooking dinner. I was really sceptical about operating the 'electric wok', it took at least half an hour just to get it out of the box. JR came in to help me, but wasn't much help and just stood around me saying 'holy crap, i hate feeling like this, dammit. I have stuff to do.".

So everyone is just standing around me in a semi circle watching it cook. It was weird. Everyone was trying to get out of cutting the onion, so JR had to do it. He was so stoned trying to cut it, he was holding it maybe 10cm from his face, I guess trying to concentrate on what he was doing, with just tears streaming down his face.

R had these 2 guys over, who I took an instant dislike to. I really, really didn't like them. I had never met them, and they had never been over before. I was in the kitchen and one of them, was on the phone or something just standing in our living room watching me and JR for ages as he was on this phone call. It was weird. The food was nearly ready, and everyone was kind of hovering around in the kitchen. I didn't know the two random boys were coming over and there wasn't enough food and I couldn't have afforded to have given them any anyway. It was so awkward, they wanted some so bad.

C was a mess. A MESS. He was trying to convince me that the two guys I didn't like were cops. Then I convinced him that I could read his thoughts, but then R and JR thought that I could read their thoughts as well, so they were all afraid of me. It kind of backfired I guess so I went to bed.

wasted Friday & camping

Its Monday AGAIN, what the hell.

Prettty sure the space time continnuum is out to get me so most of my days are actually Mondays.

Friday I got particularly drunk at work, a few of us went to C's apartment after work. I ended up smoking only 2 cones of this ridiculously strong weed and it pretty well ended me. They were trying to convince me to go Friday's with them but since I couldn't look anyone in the eye or actually string a sentence together and hallways seems to be tilting side to side like on a boat, I decided to give it a miss. It was intense like acid, everything was fluro again... it scared the hell out of me.

I can't really remember what happened, I believe i was sitting on some where-abouts-unknown bench and the next moment I was in J's car, I honestly don't remember how the crap I got there. I remember we were talking about something interesting but I couldn't concentrate because I thought she was staring at me every time i looked away.

It's pretty hard to converse when you have no saliva in your mouth at all. I don't know if I've ever been that drunk or stoned. When I got home I didn't say anything to R or JR and went to my room and closed the door. I ended up emerging when J left. I remember thinking that I was over R because he was dancing to some song and it was the gayest/dumbest/lamest/biggest turn off thing I had ever seen. I watched some Entourage with JR and ate nearly everything I owned at went to bed at like 7:30. Seriously.. Friday night was wasted..

P and J visited in the morning before camping. It was a pretty fun half hour involving photo's and toy dinosaurs, plus it stopped R and Jennay singing for a little while so it was win.

The camping crowd got to my house and Jennay decided he would come as well. We left at 9 in the morning, but had to do so much annoying stuff before we left. Didn't end up getting to Maleny until maybe 1. Had the "Josie's on a vacation far away, come around and talk it over, so many things I wanna say, well I like my girls a little bit older, I just want to use your love toniiiiggggggghhhhhht, I don't wanna lose your love tonnnnnnnnnnniiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggghhhhhhhhttttt, I just I just I just I just I just I just I just use your love use use use use use use your love" song on repeat.

We had to stop to frollick in a field. C went for a nudie run at 3 in the afternoon, after rolling across a nest of these ants. He tried to catch many a goanna but he either isn't quick enough or lets them go because it would actually really suck to catch one.

B has hooked up with C and Jennay, there was a lot of tension between that triangle as Bethany tried to equally balance her attention on both of them. Edwi made delicious potato salad. Ed and his new girlfriend are in the honeymoon stage of their relationship which made for stupid conversation topics, apparently Mel and Ed did the rope swing and Mel got pretty worked after she landed on a rock. "We don't have anything to argue about so we argue about who got hurt on the rocks more, You got hurt more, no you did, tee hee".

There is a bisexual guy chasing C at the moment, and Ironically his name is Boney. Someone made a gay joke in retaliation to something C had said and from the moment I could only think in terms of gay jokes. Gay jokes for at least 10 hours straight. like he would say "drink more your a soft cock" and then I would say "Uhm uhm... things Boney changed for C" "Man I have trouble swallowing when I'm lying down... but C doesn't". Everyone was pretty well stoned C was so incredibly messy, He would walk away so offended from me and then I would sing a song and change the lyrics to incorporate his name and he would giggle and come back "I don't want to close my eyes, I don't want to fall asleep coz Ill miss you C". good times.

Had the worst sleep ever. gave up my bed so Ly and Jennay could sleep somewhere. Lay on an air mattress in Edwi's tent. I had a dream about being locked in a small torture room with 10 other people and we couldn't get out, then a crate of dead rotting bloodied chickens were poured all over us, and I nearly drowned.

We went to Gardners falls the next day and drove Jennay back to Nambour.

Had dinner with my parents, my phone broke (the on and off switch got accidentally broken by R that time he was trying to find the toilet and was thrashing around my room in the dark trying to find the door) and I lost all my numbers and couldn't read all the messages I missed when I was camping. ANNOYING x 100. I remembered why I'm so glad not to live at home anymore. I drove B to C's, came back and smoked with some random guy that was over and drove R and JR into the valley. I also discovered I have somehow marked the walls and am trying to hide it from R and JR.

I saw T* briefly on Saturday. He made me shake in my little space boots. he is coming over Wednesday night.

I've really really missed R. He walked me to the train station this morning. I was just happy to be with him for a while.