I'm no hare and you're no tortoise.

CLAP YOUR HANDS SAY YEAH was last night. They were amazing. Their music reminds me of hot weather, working at Sanity and when I first got my license. They were amazing live, I loved it. We ordered a drink next to the guy from Manchester Orchestra. I think the keyboardist is normally the most likable in a band, I like them for the same reasons I like moustaches, they look ridiculous.

I got so nostalgic listening to it. Gorgeous.

I really wanted to break this guys nose who stared at me the entire fucking concert.

R picked me up, we were up drinking wine until the very early hours of this morning. Once again, work is hell.

ICECREAM vs KFC

I think that certain foods can change your view on someone. For example, if I see a person eating an ice cream, they are instantly more approachable, likable and seemingly pleasant. You can ALWAYS trust a person that enjoys ice cream. But what about the projected impression of a person eating KFC? The answer to this: not sexy. Since I was feeling a little indulgent yesterday, I got a "KFC ultimate burger meal". There are certain measures one can go to, to become as least sexy as possible, simply include the following factors:
you are the only one eating
there are at least 4 people standing around in a semi circle watching you,
optimum conditions is having dead quiet and nothing else going on (an office = perfect environment)
There is a bit of unnoticed sauce in the corner of your mouth, just for good measure
Now, the worst thing to happen from here is for something hilarious to be said mid-chew, like (in response to something) "that really gets my goat" so now you are laughing, choking and crying at the same time, perfect.

Lady Luck

(the hedge)

Driving home from my parents house last night, I speed up to overtake a van and notice there is a red light just ahead. I begin to brake and nothing happens, there's something stuck underneath the brake peddle, so I SLAMMED on the brake.

R kind of squealed, the tyres screeched and the body of the car started rocking side to side. I would imagine that I looked something like that cat> when it happened. We actually DID manage to stop by the line. It was pretty embarrassing really. You never believe anyone when they tell you not to leave things rolling around on the car floor, until one day, that happy shoe will wedge itself under your brake pad.

Fun times.

I woke up last night screaming because I thought that my skin had fused into my mattress and I couldn't rip away. I hope my housemates can get used to stuff like that.

Man, it's pretty sucky getting paid less then $10 an hour. I got paid today, $624 (because i took 3 hours off sick and I have no leave left so i missed out on $30 normally its $654). I brought 3xtickets to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah for tonight ($130), I brought a book for Regan for his birthday next week ($35), I brought lunch for Erin and I ($15), and I paid Regan back($20), I will also put in another weeks rent ($130). That leaves me with $294 for the next 2 weeks. I will spent roughly- $60 on petrol, $150 on food, $40 on the train, $30 on electricity/Internet etc. So basically that leaves me with $14 for the next 2 weekends. I'm liking my job less and less by the day.

Even Paranoids Have Enemies.

JR and I stood in the kitchen last night questioning R's expected positive outcome of drinking 20 pills worth of filtered liquid codeine. It fell on death ears, ever since the households disagreement on our 'situation' he has pretty well spiralled into a pit of drunkenness and a lack of personal hygiene, so something else to alter his mood and to ultimately distract him from his appearance was on his agenda. I wonder if he really is down about me or if he is just using the whole thing as an emotional vehicle to act like that, its not his fault, I know he can't help it. It just doesn't help my own thoughts when I spend most of the day at work wondering if he was actually breathing when I left the house that morning.



He passed out fairly early after flailing around and curling up in odd places proclaiming how great he felt. JR and I talked about some pretty heavy issues in his absence while smoking an abundance of cigarettes. I guess we were getting to know one another, surprisingly I really opened up to him, as he did to me. It was awkward because we were talking about the different things each of us did in relationships, neither of us mentioned anything about me and R. It was like a big white elephant in the room.



Not many people know this about me partly because I have told very few people and partly because I only admitted to it nearly 4 years after it happened, but.. I didn't.. lose my virginity in a very nice way. I think the thing that happened to me, in conjunction with other things has probably resulted with how I am in relationships and a big chunk of anxiety problems and paranoia.



Basically to not get into the details but to join the dots, it involved a guy 6 years my senior, a knife, shrubbery in my parents front yard and threats if I ever told anyone he would kill my horse. I've never admitted his real name, to anyone actually. It's something I probably won't be able to do for a long time yet.



I had considered this person my friend before this happened, I was alone with him because he promised me he would walk me home so I was 'safe'.



That's where my anxiety is. I don't feel safe, anywhere, I always feel alone. In my dreams I have flashbacks that I can't escape from and probably never will. It's always going to be in my mind. Ever since then I've always chosen the most abusive people to make relationships with. Jim being the runner up to Brad whose a prime example. I'm doing this to myself.



I'm started to realise that the certain cobwebs in my head really need to be addressed so I can get on with my life and stop dwelling on everything that always seems to come crashing down around me. I'm tired of feeling like I'm drowning.


If its meant to be with R, its meant to be. At least I know its not his intentions to hurt me.

Conductor of acoustical resonance

I'm not well, or maybe I am. Maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that I'm not because I hate my job. I'm missing something. The blood I coughed up this morning hints for the answer and brings me to number #23 on my list of reasons to quit smoking.

I'm still hurt about R. Our relationship is a confusing matted knot that only gets worse and more complicated with every confession and conversation.

I'll probably get hurt again, but whatever. Closure is over-rated.

Nearly all of my time is occupied by things I don't want to do, but have to. I'm wasting time, wasting space, wasting away. I wonder when I'll start living my own ideas of social expectations, and just be content. Content is happiness. I do too much, but I can't face the idea of doing nothing. I'll cut back on something, and replace it with ten times too much of something else.

I'm afraid of silence, afraid of myself, afraid of falling.

and where's the risk?

I feel like typing.

I am NOT feeling too great right now.

j, P, Ly, R, B, JR and a friend of theirs risa were over last night. It's a work night so drinking 11 bottles of wine and staying up until 3 was definitely a good decision.

I finally met the new room mate JR, it had been like 3 days since he moved in and i still hadn't met him. He's actually really awesome, I'm pretty stoked he's such a nice guy. I think I was expecting him to be a jerk.

I'm pretty sure I have booze fumes oozing off me right now, ergh. WAIT, can fumes ooze?

So anyway, R and I had pretty well agreed that we were going to stop doing whatever it is that were doing on the Friday that JR gets back. Were having a pretty tough time dealing with the idea of not being together so R thought it was a good idea to run it past JR. JR basically said, in the words of Amy Winehouse no no no.

R told me what happened, last kiss type thing. It was pretty heart aching. R didn't deal with it as well as I did. He seems really, really low. He embarked on a pretty big self destructive drinking binge last night which resulted in the first spew spilled on floors. I feel funny about it.

Friday night I went to Fridays for one or two drinks with the guys from work, I didn't have any money but they really wanted me to come. I'm not too good at dealing with this being poor business. I couldn't afford food that day so when I had 2 coronas in half an hour as well as all the wine I'd been drinking all day I was pretty frickin wrecked. I can't actually remember the last night I wasn't drunk. I think drinking goon at work out of a coffee mug is a bit much, for anyone. I'm pretty sure work doesn't know I'm such a drunk, even then, they endorse it.

I met with P and B and we went to H's BBQ. H is great, I really wish I hadn't of been so drunk though. I acted like an obnoxious jerk. We went back to my house to get even more heavily liquored with Jennay and R. Burney, Adam and J made an appearance also, I think it might not have even been that night. God I was so wrecked. Apparently I passed out on the veranda floor, but then R accidentally spilled a drink on my face and i went inside. I woke up at 5:30 in the morning face first on the floor right by my bedroom door. I just didn't make it.. I went to bed and I could hear some kind of rustling, which I thought was coming from outside. I thought about how i missed that noise from my old house, but i looked up and it was some dirty great bug. I tried to ignore it but I couldn't so I moved my mattress as far away as possible and sat there staring at it for a few hours. R got up and swept it away for me :)

This weekend I've been woken up by some especially odd messages from people. Friday: 4:30 am, "I've got 20 tabs of acid, one last time!!", 5am "noodle!" 7am "crap, I just slept through my alarm and missed skirmish" 8:30am "The pores on my face are looking especially large today"

Gah. SHUT UP JERKS!!

Jennay jumpstarted my shitcrapfuck car and I nervously attempted to drive it home. I'm pretty sure Saturday was what.. 40 degrees in the city? I had to have the air on to run from the engine, so 40degree heat with the heater on was pretty, you know SUCK. I think I got EVERY red light. The car was sitting on 3/4 hot and was beginning to teeter upwards. I actually did make home but only just.

I felt pretty weird about being home, i had this complex about the weather and the heat and I couldn't stop imagining that my parents house is the giant pink sea shell from the original Dr. Dolittle with Rex Harrison in it.

I really, really believe it when I'm that convinced. I can't shake it. Its like those times when I thought I was a lion, or the time I thought I was a packhorse on the dancefloor. I actually got really concerned when I thought I was a packhorse. I thought everyone was staring at me because there was a horse in the middle of the dancefloor, and that I wasn't allowed to be there anyway because there was a ban on horse movements at the time for influenza. yeah, drugs are bad.

So I'm packing all my stuff at home and I come across all these notes I used to write in the absolute height of my fatigue. I have to say, if I had of actually told anyone what was on those notes at the time I would have been involuntarily committed. pretty disturbing stuff. Its goes something like "Its 4:37am on a Wednesday, I cant remember the last time I slept. I can hear the maggots in my pillow and they are itching to get under my skin. I can almost smell the thousands of rotting corpses under my window, they are rustling slightly maybe the muscles are still spasming. Am I conscious? did I just write that. it seems there but its not there. me and it have something in common"

I think I should ritually burn them.

my parents have been really helpful with the moving business. They gave me some money and some food. It's amazing how much you like simple things a lot more when you have nothing. I get pretty excited about bread these days.

I had so much stuff I had to do and so many people I was meant to see but it takes me hours to do anything ever and I'm always late so I missed out on pretty well everything. Did make it to the pub for Josh's birthday drinks. I really love those guys but I didn't have a good time. I just wanted to go home. I made it home at like12 I think. Only... 5 hours late. Just got really boozed with those guys. Jennay actually managed to shut Burney down. I've never seen him get shut down, it was hilarious.

Sunday was spent being hungover and hanging out with everyone. I finally got to meet john that morning. I had envisaged it going better. I went outside to bring in the mattress I had left out there? and when i walked back in with it he was in the living room and scared the hell out me. I squealed like a bitch.

Eventually J & P got there and went on a taking photos rampage with my sheep magnet. I don't think that yelling at and chasing my neighbours brandishing a fluffy magnet made the BEST first impression but oh well. On the way to meet Ly down the road J got her camera stuck in the post box because she wanted to take a picture of the inside. great job.

Last night was so, so boozey. We had the worst cheapest nastiest DELICIOUS wine around.

I'm going to try and not drink tonight. If someone cooked me up and ate me right now I'd imagine I'd get them drunk.

thinking..

Here are some things that are on my mind:

• Should I go get another donut
• Does R really not care that I havn't shaved my legs or my underarms for the last month
• I really wish my car wasn't broken down in an illegal car space
• I really wish my car wasn't broken down
• Why did I wake up on the floor this morning
• I shouldn't have eaten that entire tin of condensed milk last night
• sex with someone much shorter then you can be pretty awkward
• buying booze over food was a poor choice
• I want my rubber band ball to be more awesome.
• when I think about not having a fridge my insides explode with rage
  

<3

So, pretty sure the stress/sleep deprivation is getting to me pretty bad. I went home sick from work yesterday. Pretty sure I fell asleep on the floor after watching some horribly depressing movie with R.

First night home alone in the new house. I was kind of freaked out. I walked down to the store to buy some food (There is a reason I walked which I will get to later). It was pretty weird; it’s like a different breed of person around there. Everything is all "hip" kind of thing and everyone looks like they have a lot of money. Seeing as we still don't have a fridge and I’m extremely broke I brought some bread and nutella.

Pretty well spent the rest of the evening listening to the weird creaking noises and watching "Extras" while expecting someone to break through the door. R stumbled in at like 12:30 and we had the best se.. never mind.

So yeah, I wanted to go down to the store to get some food. R or Jennay moved my car to get their car out, and they have mistakenly left it in a no parking 7am to 7pm unless have residents permit zone. I am a resident but we don't have the permit just yet. So I turn the key, a bunch of lights flash, nothing happens. I turn it again and something is at least clicking so it’s not turning over from a flat battery. A flat battery for absolutely no reason, no doors were left open, nothing.
I ring my brother and tell him what happened. He said get a tow truck to his work, but that’s a $100 I don't have. I ask him if he can please just come out on the weekend and jump-start it but he said Noooo way. I said to him that he was meant to be fixing it and he started going on about how its going to cost me $600+ and even then its not going to be worth much.

wow. So after all this, after lending my fucking car to my brother all these times, having him repetitively screw me over but forgiving him for the promise that he will one day fix it and I can get out debt, it comes to this. The "CRUNCH" and I am apparently going to end up in worse debt then when I started. I'm really not even sure if it is a flat battery, I’m just hoping.

SO its parked illegally until a) someone comes jump starts it for me, b) I get it towed or c)someone ELSE gets it towed.

Great job.

moving night

Last night was the first night in the new house. I've come to a few conclusions and thats that me and R should definitely only be friends while trying to live together.

My brother has been borrowing my car.. the conditions of this is that he leaves at least a quarter of a tank of fuel in it or $10 in the ash tray and keeps it running and he can use it pretty well whenever he wants. So far the fuel gage has not been above E. I actually caught him putting lawn mower fuel in it the other day, like a litre or something so that he could leave it on empty in case I wanted to use it, now he carries around a dummy tank in the boot so he can put just enough fuel in it to get to and from his destination. Well, last night I decided I would use my car to take some stuff to the new house because its really big, it was on empty so i filled it up but then it ran it 3/4 hot pretty much right away. I pulled over to let it cool for like 15 minutes and drove down the road and it went straight to Hot. It was pouring down rain and broken down on the side of the highway. fucking great. My brother had failed to tell me it was also in fact broken.

Had to wait for ages, so went to get food with Jennay and R. Came back and it made it to the house. Last night was the first time I had actually seen it. It is so nice, its an older style Queenslander type house, its really open with french doors and a huge balcony with the underpart of it vacant. Its going to be pretty good to have parties there. my room is small but its not as small as I imagined it to be. Its also has this gorgeous huge kitchen and all these big trees round the outside.

Tonight I'm home alone... for a bit. Im going to go get my car and drive home and get more stuff I just hope I make it. stupid car.

PICTURE BLOG!

wknd

the story being not something that I can spread across the internet. Friday was a really really bad day.

After the events of the day, I hid in the bathroom for like 2 hours and then R convinced me to come home. Pretty sure I got lost, and I'm not really sure what I was doing but I didn't get home until 9. (I finish at 5:30). Friday night was pretty much a huge dissapointment. I was meant to be meeting this guy for 'drinks' which I was excited for, and seeing B & P and Zac & Geordie. to no avail.

When I got back I went to get dinner with R and B guilted me into going out. I went to pick her up and we went to the tavern.

The tavern was.. fucking terrible. I hated it. My ex boyfriend was there and an assortment of idiots I would rather not see. I was standing there and some fucking wreck of a woman from across the room starts yelling SLLLLLAAAAAAAAGGGGG, SSSSLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGG! I didn't know what was going on and she ran over to me and hugged me... I then recognise her from some wreck I used to work with like 3 years ago. She started yelling at Beth and I for at least half an hour about people that I used to work with, and about they are all cunts and.. how shes a drunk, and she got in a fight last weekend..

she wouldnt shut up. it was frightening.

It was such a crappy night. Didnt help that during the day I accidentally poked myself in the eye and it was all red.

So I told B I had enough and left, I got home and R lit candles on the back varendah and we've got a whole heap of booze. We got really really drunk and ugh,

never mind.

I was meant to be packing on Saturday but got a bit distracted. I only managed to pack one suitcase. I like.. made some food, and lay down for a bit, and got back up, cuddled with R, rang T*, passed out for like 3 hours.

I own so much random stuff though, that in itself is such a huge distraction. Everything I'd pick up be something cool like.. a vintage 1970's bridesmaid dress, or cowboy jacket covered in tassles or a bag full of tiny wooden toy animals from the 60's ...a furry book with a tail?

the plan for Saturday night was for them to come over my house, and then go to Jakes party and then the valley. P, B and R were over, we had heaps of drinks and R decided he wasnt going to come because he needed sleep really bad.

Jakes was fun, it was good to see those I saw. I ran around swigging a bottle of $5 italian wine with the cork pushed into it. classy stuff.

We headed to the valley but we had to stop for fast food 3 times and a toilet. By the time we got there I had drank a whole bottle of wine in the car and passed out. I didnt actually even make it out of the car when we got to the valley. I slept in the back seat. I was dead to the world, B and P came back to the car and woke me up. I had fallen asleep with my phone under my face with the numbers imprinted on my face. I don't know how I didnt wake up the phone had 7 missed calls and like 5 messages.

So we went back to C's, apparantly. When we got through the door I fell face first on the ground and tried to sleep there. Apparantly I was saying "I deserve the floor" as they were trying to move me. I supposedly fell over a heap more times and when I woke up it was like 5 in the morning and I had no idea where i was and i was on the balcony. I was sleeping on this futon thing and i could see my phone on the table so panicking and realising where I was, I thought B and P had left me there so i went to grab my phone to ring them. All of a sudden the entire futon tipped over and p rolled across the floor. It was so funny, I didnt even know she was there to tip her out, how could I not realise she was sleeping next to me.. I leant over her.. oh p <3

The next day hung around at C's for a long time. Best balcony ever. When back to my house and stopped to get ice cream. Jumped in the pool in our underwear .. the pool was green. wtf? Was just hanging around with R, Jennay, Ly, B and P.

Last night got stoned, watched a bit of Pans labyrinth and slept for a long time.

Last night was the last night in the house I've lived in all my life.

Feels surreal.

Went to sign the lease this morning. it took so long to get there traffic was terrible.

My forecast: tears.

I was deliriously happy all day yesterday.

R had a nap and was late to pick me up but I didn't mind because he needs sleep. All flowers and stuff were coming through the office, it was quite lovely for those involved. One girl really freaked out because someone anonymously brought her a massive pot plant, a pot plants like a pet, you have to look after it.

I was having lunch in the Queen Street Mall with Ed and Edwi and at the Chinese place, with the open buffet type thing and this group of crack heads were fully just stealing all the food. Just scooping it out with their hands... terrible. The Lady who owned the shop was practically crying, and whats worst was, they took a table right in front of the store and kept going back for seconds. Why didnt she call security?

With the distraction I completely forgot to get R something for Valentines. I had really wanted to.

Excited about seeing R and still being at work.. I was trying to inconspicuously put make up on, but it would startle me everytime I could see someone walking towards me. So I was putting on black liquid eyeliner with my little handmirror (see left) when someone starting walking down the hall and it spaghetted me and i moved my hand suddenly and accidentally drew a huge black smudge all across my face, and so I ducked (reflex) and crawled under the desk. Not fooled, the person (who shall remain nameless) walked around to the back of my desk and leant over with their hands on their knees asking me what the hell I was doing. So thats a great position to be in... hiding under the desk with pretty well black paint smeared all over your face.

Night classes were... ergh. Just wanted to be in bed.

Got drunk last night, actually I cant remember the last night I wasnt drunk, but hey at least Im not on drugs now.

We move into the new house on Monday. The third room mate returns on Friday, a condition of him agreeing to living with a random girl was only if we weren't hooking up.

So.. R and I's ... whatever it is that were doing, ends on Friday.

My forecast: predicting tears.

a definite WIN

ha. valentines is gay.

yeah so..

I realise I am just a paranoid fuck. I got this email from R yesterday:


"Hey babe,
I just had lunch with b so we could talk about "The Situation"... There's really nothing to worry about hun. She doesn't feel for me, I don't feel for her, we won't be hooking up. She just wants to hang out with me as a friend and I do too. I encouraged her to go see C and told her that I like you a whole lot, and really wish there was a chance for things to work out, which is all exactly how I feel. So me and B will be just friends, and when we hang out, it'll be as friends.. and though I understand your worries, I really think there's nothing to stress about. The situation from last week isn't continuing. I'm pretty sure she just doesn't want to be alone when your at Jake's, it would be pretty miserable for her...
Anyhow, I hope this doesn't stress you out at work, B just thought I should tell you I saw her today before she calls you tonight, which I think she plans to do.
Missing you,
x x R"


So yeah b rang me. etc. Its all fine. I guess I just don't want to share him.

I pointed out that she didnt invite me to hang out with them, and that she doesnt ring me to do stuff anymore, he explained it like this:

"Ok, you know how you love Radiohead and its your favorite band ever and you listen to it all the time.. then you discover The Arcade Fire and you change the CD and listen to them for a while, but you still love Radiohead and you'll play them again soon"

indie fuck.

I AM A MONSTER



Valentines day emails have been bouncing around the office. I contributed this:








(I don't think they were impressed)



_____oh MS paint_______

I drew a picture in paint for Joels birthday (below) and I asked him if he liked it more, and he said he liked the bears waaaaayyyyyyy more

so I made him this:

I forgot to get R something. FAIL.

Oh man, im just so happy today. had the best sleep ever. Apart from the dreams but they didnt wake me up.

in other news. FINALLY GOT A HOUSE! moving on Monday. a beautiful house too.


WIN!

Brisbane City

this looks much better larger, but whatever. a place to put my work.

Green Eyed Monster

R came in just to pick me up yesterday. He was an hour late but it was OK because C was waiting with me. It was actually pretty fun. R and I decided to go home and get really boozed.

Apparantly he had made plans with B to hang out that night or well that she had asked him if he wanted to hang out, he said he was going to cancel. I dont get this! if she didnt feel like that way about him why wouldnt she invite me. She said she didn't like him like that at all, and that she was fine with me and him doing whatever it is that were doing. Although the argument that we've been having is that he liked me but he also liked B because anytime someone throws a tiny bit of affection his way he likes them, and then I told B you know.. how I felt. She said cool awesome, I never liked him anyway. Then R and her were texting each other a lot, and I asked him about it. He said he felt like she was leading him on because she was giving him so much attention, and then they talked about it and apparantly B made it clear that she didnt like him that way (she said that to me), but then she is still asking him if he wants to do something exclusively like if not tonight then tomoro and if not tomoro when? kind of thing and texts and rings him all the time. I just dont get what the point of doing that is. ARGH. I'm such a green eyed monster. I should just trust them. I'm pretty overwhelmed with R though. I would imagine I will start beating him with bread or something soon.

I don't know. I think there is intent there that I have to worry about. It feels like the time my ex boyfriend spent so much time trying to convince me it was fine that he hung out with his 'friend' Jaime and ended up cheating on me with her. EVERYONE KNEW BUT ME.

R and I, are not exclusive. I do not have the right to tell him he can't see someone, but my best friend.... DUDE.

This happened to me once.

bad feeling.

R came back a day early from Toowoomba.

He said he would pick me up from work so I agreed, but then I had to stay back and do a report so I ended up making him wait for like an hour and half for me. He got to come up to the office though. Parking was like $25 but he wouldnt let me pay for it, I felt like a jerk.

So I get in the car, and he has brought a bottle of champagne and a glass, for me. he turns the car on and its playing Beth Orton "Central Reservation". It was because I played it the other day when him and I were cuddling each other. It was like... so incredibly thoughtful and nice of him. We had this big talk and I said I had come to a lot of conclusions and that I probably wouldnt be able to handle being in a relationship. I'm really not in a good state of mind, I'll have sort myself out before I can think about being with someone.

It sucks. I really want to be with him.

At least now it will probably be ok living together, Im afraid he will stop liking me and I will be alone in a one sided never getting closure circle of what could have been.

We went to get ice cream with P and B at Cold Rock last night. it was delicious.

I made R sleep in his own bed.

the standard this happened text:

Friday night: Went to a snooty snooty bar in the city with Zac after work. Stayed for one drink because it was the worst bar ever and pretty much everyone in there needs their asses kicked. I caught the train home and received a creepy text message saying I'm watching you but it was from a guy I went to school with that happened to be sitting behind me and it was good to see him. We went to Sporto's obligatory for B's birthday, it wasn’t that bad. I've had no money all weekend, and it was all boys from school. They kept buying me drinks I was very appreciative. P came to pick us up and we went and got free McDonalds. The only 24 hour Mcdonalds is in Caboolture. The dodgiest place around. Driving there I saw a couple arguing on the side of the road and all of the sudden the man punched the girl in the face and she fell to the ground. P and B didn’t see it so I made them drive back to see if the girl was ok. As we did a loop they noticed we had come back by them on purpose and the guy yelled something. We had to turn around so we had to go back past them, the girl ran across the path of the car, fell over drunk and from the ground held up both her fingers yelling something about cunts from the ground.

Classic Caboolture.

The McDonalds was free. Some guy who used to go to Narangba worked there. P wanted to keep drinking so the plan was to go to her house. We went for an epic drink drive, stupid I know. I was just too drunk, so B took over, no license, drunk learner. Nothing bad happened so whatever. We waited for P to get to her house after she went to pick up Emma from Rory's party we were going to go on an adventure but apparantly Sue, Rorys girlfriend got punched in the face by Chris M during a fight by accident, and Jessie and nearly all boys at the party went to Chris M's house after it happen to get revenge or something, he locked himself inside the house and dared them to come in, So of course Jessie did and smashed his elbow through the glass and Paula had to take him to hospital instead.

Saturday B and I went for a picnic at Rocksberg. It was pretty. We went in the river and we met a nice man who gave us his inflatable lounge and we floated down the river. Saturday night I was going to go to that 1 guy and then Joels party. We didn’t end up going to that 1 guy and I finally got to stand T* up. It’s a shame I didn’t get to see snappy dresser Adam, Burney & H who would've been there. We went in pretty early and had some drinks at C's. He's on the 20th floor of 128 Charlotte Street and his apartment is pretty much amazing. We got a maxi taxi to Joels party (Sorbi, C, B, Ly & Ed). Joel was wrecked by the time we got there. like WRECKED. (see left). He was such a wreck, he started yelling at me incoherently something like "You’re leading me on, you better chill the fuck out". LOL, he just came and apologised today with his head hung in shame. The party itself, like.. while well put together the people were fucking jerks, I mean sure they were trying to make friends with us and stuff but they were complete pretentious jerks. We still had a great time though in the company of the maxi taxi group. I accidentally did the splits in the hallway because it was so slippery and I also fell off the balcony coz I thought I could climb it, apparently I was too boozed and lost balance. We got a cab back to C's, and had some more drinks with Ed and B. Ly passed out and when P came to come pick us up I literally had to wack her in the face and Ed dragged her out for her to get in the car. LOL!

Ly, B and I went to the beach on Sunday. It was good. I was deliriously tired. I was really hoping to catch up on some sleep on the weekend because the opportunity was there, but insomnia hit once again. We went to Bar soma last night to watch Jess McAvoy and Henry Wagons. It was so pretty. We got to speak with both of them, and I high fived Henry. Jess invited us to stay and drink but the deliriously tired part meant we left at 11. I saw a cab crash into a pole. That was cool.

On other notes,

R situation: FAIL.
So watching him when we went out with B the other day, he kind of plays us both. I think he may have changed his mind all of a sudden about me. This whole time he has been texting B the same as he was, and he told her he likes her as well, and he told me he likes me. I think he got pretty confused. He seems to have decided that he would keep pursuing B or something. Its a bit late for that though, asides how I feel about it, B said she was only in for the attention and that she doesn’t actually like him that way. R kind of fucked up pretty bad. I don’t know what he was thinking. He sent B a message saying, "Get her to hook up with someone" or some stupid high school crap like that, of course B showed me, I got upset. He basically dealt with everything really badly. I mean, why would he bother telling me he liked me if he did indeed like B, they would have been together or at least hooking up PROBABLY and I would never have said anything. It just... none of it makes sense. I feel like he has gone behind my back. So whatever yeah that side of things is definitely over.

It’s definitely confirmed my thoughts I am not ready to be in a relationship anytime at all in the near future. I don’t trust anyone and I figure they are out to get me.

I've just become aware of how extremely paranoid I am. I think EVERYONE is out to get me, then I think I’m just being paranoid but then I think I'm not because they actually ARE out to get me. I'm beginning to think I’m some kind of magnetic force for negative happenings in the universe.
That’s crazy talk.

Another thing I realised about this weekend is that having no money makes you feel like shit. People paid for me for once and were MORE then happy to pay me back for my apparent generosity in the past. That made me feel really good, well shit for having no money but good because my friends and my cousin are so fucking awesome, not because they were buying me stuff but because they just are.

I feel like I'm just the worst person in the world. I love B to death but I'm always annoyed with something and she copps the grunt of it so many times. She is basically the best friend anyone could ever hope for.

T* rang me on Saturday, to say he was thinking of me.

After I said J and I had made up, in a discussion with B about the make up she said "I didn’t care about anything she had to say, I just let her speak to make peace" so fuck that. That’s what a "final straw" looks like.

I'm still feeling horribly low. I’m not sure when it’s going to snap out. I had to go home Friday because I knew I was going to turn into emo drunk. I woke up on Friday after maybe 3 hours sleep hysterically crying.

Drunk at work, again.

Well,
Wednesday night (the Eve of B's birthday):
So, apparently the plan was to go out to dinner for B's birthday was still on regardless on the fact that I had shitted on everything with my CLASS.

It was pretty much a tropical cyclone (k not that bad, it was raining heavily) in the city. Traffic was hell, I was feeling really upset and like the worst friend in the world after what happened so I was preparing to just bail off and go home. Oh my god I’m so fucking drunk. So anyway I decide to ring K and see where she is at, she at my vacinity type thing so I walk to her building and we wait roughly an hour for ney to charge through the traffic. We went to SouthBank and were eagerly awaiting B's arrival (she was coming with R and J).

3 Hours later was a bit much but whatever. It was good catching up with ney and K. I have to make the director a coffee, or did I already? I think I made.. did I give it to him.. where is it now. Oh god. Yeah, Im the office bitch, I just went to make another glass of coffee or something and I walked into the wall and then I spilled the coffee. I hate when you go to the toilet when you work in an office and you are on like the same "pee schedule" as someone else and they are always in there when you go in there, its so awkward, the awkward nod, the awkward "hey, hows it going" ergh.

So I was waiting with ney and K, we caught up, B and R and J finally got there. J wears glasses now because she has gone wok eyed because drugs have apparently ruined her brain. B was not even mad, she took me aside and said no boy will ever get between us I love you I want you to know that.

We got really boozed at dinner and went to the Press Club after. They wanted to stay out and drink all night but I feel like I’m on the verge of losing my job, imagine if I had gone to work after staying out all night when I had feinted in the vacinity two times in two days, and then I came to work hungover after Id been out all night. They wouldn’t let me catch the train home by myself, and I had no other way to get home. I just wanted to be by myself and I could feel the little horrible panicy suffocating feeling riding up my throat. They wouldn’t let me leave so I ended up crying in the street for reasons unbeknownst to me. It really sucked, I couldn’t stop crying and then I started crying even more because I felt like I was attention seeking. I've been feeling weird. I've been numb for days, like, have to touch my hands together and see if they are indeed my own kind of thing. I feel like I haven’t had any idea what’s been going on, like being really fucking drunk. J and I made up. I was glad.

She took me home, very grateful to her. B pulled a huge guilt trip on me because I didn’t want to go sit on a mountain with her. We stopped at J's on the way back and ate a bunch of ecstasy, I didn’t feel it, she wanted to sit on a mountain, J was buzzed and R was throwing his fucking guts up so him and I went to bed.

I don't know if I'm fairly drug fucked or if it is a reasonable perception but I think everyone is out to get me. I had convinced myself into thinking that R doesnt actually like me at all, and that he just told me that so he could hurt me even more and rub B in my face. When he was talking to her about everything and telling her his side of the story I wasn’t there and I was convinced he was telling her I was lying and that everything was my fault and concocting some kind of lie to turn everyone against me. Just like Brad.
He didn't, he hasn't
Great job.

Massive Fail

So, Its B's birthday tomoro we were going to go out tonight. We were emailing each other about the details and whatever, then I decided I had to tell her. In Geordies words extravaganza of lose.


Well,

I dont know I have to come clean with you I guess. Its just that the living arrangements with R have me doubting whether it will work out. I cant help it but Ive ended up having a crush on him, obviously we would never be together but now I have major concerns about moving in with him.
I feel like I've wronged you because you said you like him, but I mean obviously nothing has happened or will happen it just still fucking sucks you know. Best friends liking the same guy who one of them is moving in with. crap situations.
I totally didnt even think I did like him, but i definitely realised it.
thats the main thing. Im feeling really guilty, yesterday had a lot to do with how shit I felt about this whole thing. I wish there were ways u can turn these kinda of things off.
I really really hope your not angry with me, but i dont want to keep anything from you. Im not sure what I am keeping from you? I just felt I had to tell you.
I totally understand if your pissed at me.
IM SO FUCKING SHIT
GHAHAHAHAH
_________________________________________________________

I'm not saying I dont want you and him to be together but for the sake of my soul I would appreciate it if I didnt know about it until Im over it a bit more.
This is only been the last few days by the way, and any advice I gave you about him was before I knew how I felt about him, it definitely wasnt coming from a malicious or manipulative place.
Im seriously sitting on the edge of my seat waiting on your reply.
_____________________________________________________________
AND then, well. This is the great part, I sent R a message telling him I told b what happened it said "I told B, read your emails before you come out" I accidentally sent it to her. she replied with "What...?"
______________________________________________________________
well,
basically what happened is
I told R the night before about how I felt, and I asked him to maybe give seeing you some space for a little while why I got over it.
Anyway. We had a talk and whatever and I wasnt going to tell you because I felt so fucking shit about it and would rather get the fuck over it.
So anyway, R and I were just going to never mention it ever again
but
I had to tell him I told you so he knows what going on and doesnt try to cover my arse
and that text I sent you that said i told b I meant to send to him

I've basically just failed life.
________________________________________________________
Um ok well... I don't really know what to say to be honest.
__________________________________________________________
Should I not come tonight?
thats totally cool if not



Im seriously not going to pursue it or anything so long as you know

I just had to say to one or both of you to not be in my face about it for a bit




I would have kept it to myself but thats where the panic attacks dwell


Seriously, I would never do anything about liking him its just Im not in the right state of mind to be able to handle.. that
__________________________________________________________
No that's not going to solve anything, just don't know if I'm in the
mood to be doing anything now but. Oh well going to see if I can get off
work early, ill talk to you later.
____________________________________________________________
You dont understand,
Nothing has happened with R or is going to.
I just had to tell you I had feelings for him and to request to leave it for the moment because I am flipping out. I am literally going crazy, I can't handle my issues right now. pass out in cafes crazy
You have to go out tonight, its the eve of your birthday.
I won't come if you dont want me to, we can do the celebrating another night.
_______________________________________________________





amazing lose there.


very classy way of dealing with it. amazing.

the time I met the pavement.

Yesterday I was walking along and all of a sudden I felt mega mega dizzy, and I could see everything like it was on the trip again. I saw things all in one way, like watching a movie like Shrek or toy story, its like being inside one of those movies and seeing everything looking like that. I was looking at things and they would string as I turned my head and all of a sudden I couldnt really breathe and I 'feinted'. Its no big deal Im pretty sure it was just a panic attack.

R chose not to go over B's last night, I got super pissed off at him during the day because he sent me a message by mistake that was meant to be for her, it didnt say anything bad I just thought he was intentionally trying to rile me up, and the outcome was him not even going to B's at all because he thought I was mad with him and that he had concluded he couldnt be with her.

When I got home I was feeling really weird again, I was lying down and it felt like I was out of my body. Its like when u take too much ecstacy and you buzz and cant feel anything, but my heart was beating really fast. I was feeling the worst. the worst. I had this big talk to R about everything and I really wish I hadn't of. I've no reason to be feeling like this, things arent even that bad.

I have an imaginary cloud smothering me with imaginery problems.

worst friend in the world.

Well,

Last night R and I had a talk..

We were lying in bed cuddling each other, and he mentioned he had asked B out for the next night.

It really hurts me.

I pulled it together and said I was glad for him. He started getting really huffy and said he was feeling really guilty, that he shouldnt be holding me because it was unfair on B. I said I didnt think so because we had always acted like this and B and him hooked up with her knowing how sensitive the situtation was, I said he should stop if he thinks he is doing something he should later apologise for. I said I didn't know why he was feeling so guilty all we were doing was lying next to each other. He said its not that.

He told me he doesnt really feel anything for B, he liked her but he is hung up on something else and he felt really torn. I just fronted with him and asked him he liked me and he said yes.

We both put it all out on the table. I told him I felt the exact same way he did but that we just couldnt be together.

• I simply am not capable of being in a relationship with someone, my head will not allow it. No matter how much I like anyone I just can't do it after the whole torturing soul fiasco that was Brad. I told him I loved him as a person and it would ruin everything if we got together.
• We would have to scrap the living arrangement plans
• He would have to find somewhere to live by himself ASAP or go back to Toowoomba

He said he knew all this, and he knew it was a dead end, and he knew it was a dead end with B as well.

I feel so fucking shit about that. To be fair I told them both I was pretty uncomfortable with it to begin with. I knew something like this would happen. WHY!!! why does the boy I like that I plan to move in with on a just friends basis who also likes me, is liked by my best friend whom he is going for because he can. OH my god. I cant not look at him the way I do, I cant not act around him the way I do but I cant because my fucking best friend like him and were going to move in together;oewrjbgjoerwnjer;jker;jbkerh;jkbjhbrwBAGGGGGGGGGGGGAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

GAHH!H!HUIQGB

We've decided to try and spend less time together, not sleep in the same bed, not kiss, not touch get the fuck over it and move the fucking fuck on.

Jesus I hate myself so fucking much.

MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE!



Im kind of a mess. I didnt sleep much last night, I got to work this morning realised I had put my stockings on back to front, and I have to wear two pairs of underwear, one as a regular pair and one on the outside of the stockings to keep them up because they dont make stockings long enough for me, both pairs are inside out. I just realised when I went to switch my stockings around.

some information you REALLY needed to know. This post wont stay up for long.

scatty brain throw up post

Monday blogs are mainly always regail about the weekend, and Im suspecting this is going to be a mega long post so I'll start there.

Friday: Friday was said "Drink day" at work. it was a pretty awesome day, all the directors were out so there was rucus in the office. We got a mountain of donuts from dreamy donuts and lollies all day. On the lunch break we went to Fridays to chug beer, also cool. Came back to the office and had a party. It was great except for someone pointing out that you could see my underwear were lacey through my dress and I felt eyes on my butt for the rest of the day. I was so frick trashed by the time 5:30 came around.

R and I had a minor disagreement during the day, but he still met me as planned with Ly when work was over. They walked, I stumbled to Wagamammas where it was a catch up dinner with the girls. R decided he was ill and went home, Ly and I ordered another bottle of wine.. To be honest I kind of missed the dinner, those sorts of things would be good to remember but I was altogether too trashed. I really havn't gotten over J being a huge bitch and I'm pretty sure were in the middle of a break up, I ignored her all night I think it might have been awkward for everyone. It was still good to see all, even though I don't remember any kind of conversation we had.

O'malleys was next... some memories are missing... Geordie and Tony were there and we had drinks. Jumped in P's car for an epic drink drive home, note: red light means stop. Geordie and Tony were going to come back to my house but lacked the neccesary impulse it would have taken and failed.

We had to stop at Tony G's on the return trip home because they had left a whole heap of my booze there. We got there to find they had drank a lot of it, and Char invited them back to my house. P has a 2 door charade, 7 people crammed in.

The rest of the night was sucky. They were so fucking loud and drunk. My mum was getting really pissed off. understandably. R and B .."made friends" it was super hard for me. I think Im in love with him. The randoms stole a heap of my parents booze and trashed the place. I got really upset because 1) I was so drunk 2) I felt all my friends were using me 3) my friends suck sometimes 4) I'm getting increasingly more like this 5) fucking R.

I couldnt sleep at all. I just lay in bed all night and by all night I mean between the hours of 4 and 6am. R came running in at like 5 in the morning and grabbed me and declared he was in love with me, I told him to go back to B. We deserve a prize for having the weirdest relationship ever. I don't know how I always end up in these intense relationships with boys that don't involve sex. I met him 2 weeks and 1 day ago, we've spent everyday together since and now hes living with me in my parents house, we sleep together, kiss each other, we plan on moving out together and hes kind of seeing my best friend. I really wish I didn't feel this way about him. I have to suck it up and get over it because I'm not ready for a relationship and I need to move out. It just super sucks hes moving on with my best friend and I have to live with someone I adore so much. I'm going to force myself over it. He lets me in how feels about me and I ignore.

With absolutely no sleep R and I left at 8 am Saturday to go inspect some houses, probably going to fail yet again. This is fucking ridiculous. We got breakfast out and looked at a place in St. Lucia and Paddington and I went to work.

Basically I was extremely down all weekend nearly, I felt so dazed. Saturday night my house had a blackout so I went for a drive with R so we could listen to music, we went down all the windy roads to Rocksberg (The herd of cows covered the road again, this time R jumped out and chased them and said he was like Jesus with the parting of the cows) and then up to Bellmere mountain type thing.

I had planned on going to the valley to see one of his friends bands, and he said they weren't playing anymore and that he wanted to see B. I was going to go out to see Zac and Geordie and stuff but then P & B invited me with them to the valley... and then I decided I was too tired but I didn't want to stay at home by myself, so then R stayed home with me too. I feel weird, if he says hes going out with B does that mean I cant come? but even if P is going am I the third wheel, do I have to give him space.. but they are my friends...

Yesterday my mum decided that she had to fence the entire yard to keep in my dog, and to repay her I had to give her the full day of labor. To start with she made me clean the tack shed it was like.. a place where all my phobias are, except for there was no giant cliff ledge. It was fucking awful. There was a plague of moths that kept flying at me, spiders fucking everywhere and even a fucking snake! I'm sick of doing this un neccessary tedius bullshit. It was filthy and so freakin hot. I felt so nostalgic and failed looking at all the tack for my horse. FAIL. I am lose.

I wanted to go see Cloverfield so R and I went rewarding ourselves for the nerve shattering labor, we went to get pasta first. I invited P and B but I assume there phones were off, I invited T* but of course he was a no-show and I invited Hannam but he has a broken eye socket type thing so he couldnt come either, so it turned out to be like a romantic date, last thing I need. I accidentally kissed him in the movie, I dont think he realised how real it was though.

I'm really torn as to whether or not I liked Cloverfield. One thing for sure is that I was fucking dissapointed.

T* sent me indirect message during that afternoon confirming he is leaving to Europe forever on June 8th. I suddenly had a huge outburst of cry onto R's shoulder. I decided to ring T*, R seemed to get upset and he went out. I had a bit of a telephone catch up with T*, he promised to make time for me before he left, I invited him to come see Cloverfield but of course I am too lose.

This morning was fucking shit.

I slipped over in the mud when I went to feed the horses, I actually put effort into my hair for once and then it rained, I dropped the entire contents of my wallet on the ground when I went to buy a ticket, The train broke down 2 stops after I got on so I had to wait nearly an hour for them to tow it to the next station to get off, I decided against getting on the city train that was sitting at the station with the promise that there would be another train that would be EXPRESS! there was but, it was a long term train and there was no seats and no bars to hold onto and people were canned in, some guy used this as an excuse to grab my arse when the train jolted and then I was late to work.


I feel the WORST.

Get over it. Get over it. Get over it.

car update.

WELL.

Yesterday my brother took my car to work early and left me in the lurch to get to work.

Got in it last night, no fuel.

I'll have him know that tissue paper is indeed legally binding.

R picked me up last night, We got stuck in a traffic jam in the city, right outside our car the biggest fucking bogans I have ever seen in my entire life were having a brawl on the footpath. I really wanted to watch it closely but I didnt want to make eye contact, there was no where to go if they decided to go nuts at us. The script went something like this:

"OI damo ya fuckin cunt, e' just fuckin comin over to fuckin chop cunt, 'ere ya go bein a fuckwit"

R's staying with me at the moment, We got really drunk and in the middle of the night after we went to bed I woke up to him like thrashing around the room. It was fuckin strange I turned the light on and apparantly he was trying to get out to get a drink or something but in the dark he had knocked over like everything and keep walking into the wall. HAHAHAHHA. He needs to be wearing glasses at all times.