This blog isn't very consistent. Its pretty much one epic rant and tales of boredom and misfortune. It's a shame, my train of though is this and there and there and there.
I watched like 30 movies last week. "The Libertine" still sucks, by the way, don't give it a second chance. T* came over with wine and "Across the Universe" (a Beatles movie) it was really thoughtful of him. He stayed over and we went food shopping for cookies and alphabet soup the next day. We're just too fucking cute.
It feels like R has vanished of the face of the Earth and I wonder if he ever really existed at all. It's like we both already know the beginning, the middle and the end, exactly how things are going to be, and how to turn out. We both know this, we have the same problems, the same fights and are deemed for repeats until time changes things and each other.
There is one thing that has really, really been disturbing me. I keep thinking about my ex-boyfriend lately. I hate him with every inch of my being yet he is constantly in my thoughts. It's been at least 8 months since we last even bumped into each other and he is still afflicting me. I guess how close I was to R brought up emotions I hadn't felt since I was with him. I am so bitter on relationships from how bad things were with ex. He was like some kind of cult leader that had power over nearly everything I did, I couldn't escape and he so easily crushed me. It wasn't until way after all his lies and deceptions were uncovered could I really look through the glass onion to see how things really were. I wonder if I should call him, I wish I didn't have his number for the temptation but its burned to memory.
Anyone who holds the ability to truly see and accept the other side of the story should take it as a real gift and a paved road to being a good person. I know I'm not always the victim and I'm not always right. I wonder though, how I end up in situations where things so extreme and painful continuously happen. T* once said to me, "For some reason, it's really easy to be angry with and blame things on you. Maybe its because you can take it".
But, I don't think I can.
There really isn't anything wrong at the moment, everything is fine. I still feel like I'm drowning.
