NAS the rap guy

I have a relatively surprising life.

Friday night I went to drink with my new best friend and some of her friends. That rapper NAS, as in the worldwide famous rap guy, was in Brisbane. We ended up getting on the door, which is awesome because tickets were $100+. They came to pick me up when Straker gets a phone call from his friend that listed us on the door, saying that 'NAS is demanding a heater, he won't go on stage until someone brings him a heater'.

We're like 'shit. Where the fuck do you get a heater from at 9 o'clock on a Friday?'. New best friend has one lying about at her place, so we go to collect it and rush to take it to NAS, who by the way, for a 'gangsta' shouldn't need a heater in Brisbane on an October night. Its like 25 degrees out. So we rush to take NAS the heater and drive down the one way road that Tivoli is on. Bring Nas the heater (who is surrounded by a gaggle of real life hoes and stretch hummers) and return to the car, who new best friend is now driving the wrong way down a one way street. So, she makes the turn, thats one situation rectified. We're halfway back when we get a call from the tour manager 'Dude, this is a fan.'

So, we pretty much let NAS down.

In conclusion, I have been really good at meeting rappers lately. With Phrase and Drapht and those other rappers from Sounds of Spring. Unintentional groupie friend.

The worst of times.

One of the worst things about the breakup was wondering how I was going to take care of myself. When I got sick, he was there, he looked after me.

I drank way too much last night and went down with the same sickness I seem to be experiencing a lot lately. Its not proportionate to how much I drink and it is pretty much impossible to foresee. I got home at around 2 in the morning or thereabouts, and couldn't leave, couldn't move from the bathroom. Once the sun had come up and I was still there, it was really clear I wouldn't be able to sort myself out, so I had to call H to come help me.

Friday night I was followed home from the train station by a drunk man, I can't protect myself, its so fucking terrifying.

Its really not getting any easier. Honestly, nothing has ever hurt me this much. I can't take care of myself apparently.

Muddy water

And he is gone. Wounded animal.

Still trying to get my life back together. At the very least quit smoking, go back to the gym and finally sort out who the fuck is going to move in here.

Going to pierce my nose when I stop with the constant smoking, will put a ring through it. Dye my hair red.

This is still astoundingly hard, it completely shook me like nothing ever has before. I couldn't expect too much more right now.

Sentence.

Still am not feeling any better. I stand by that if he had of at least talked to me, this would have been a lot easier for me. Having this as a 'surprise' definitely was not a good thing that happened. I would give anything to go back, I'm not sure if it makes me feel better or worse to know he never wanted that anyway.

Boys are stupid.

Friday night was a huge failure. I really wanted to go to CP's gig, but I couldn't knowing Zac would be there. The plans were to go to Kevs farewell party with B and P, but P pulled out because she was too hungover and Jake told me B couldn't come anymore. Made plans to go with Heather, who also had agreed to do CP's door at the gig, arrived at 7:30 when she was meant to start at 8:30 so I was all dressed and didn't even make it out the driveway because she didn't have enough time. Then after I had had a shower and washed my hair B calls to say she was always planning to come but by then it was too late. Then the internet broke and there was a large bug in my room, so all I did was pretty much lay about thinking about how sad I felt.

In the last weekend I have been asked out on a date by 6 different fucking people. This shit is so fucking retarded, its like I have slut written across my forehead. The worst part was when the security guard at work asked me out to coffee 'I never do this, but I think you're so lovely, would you like to go out with me to coffee?' I said 'No.' and literally sprinted away from him in the opposite direction. He doesn't fucking know me, I'm not fucking lovely. Just. Fuck. Off. Where I was last night some wanker kept on at me 'oh you're so beautiful' etc. and described what I was wearing the one and only time I've ever met him over a year ago. Fuck this shit, people are so fucking retarded and creepy. Rationally it doesn't really make sense to be offended when someone says they like you, but its not like I've ever done anything that would imply that I would be interested in any one of them, its stupid and it makes me feel incredibly awkward. I hopefully I can keep pulling the 'I just got out of a long relationship' card for some time now.

Last night I went to Bobby's hens night and to McKenna's for drinks. Still feeling pretty fucking sad. Work is a good thing right now, becoming better friends with the lovely girl that works there, we are going to do some drinking this Saturday night.

Stride.

And, I was right. Eye of the storm. I definitely wasn't going to get away from this without the feeling of drowning in waves of immense sadness.

Its hard to remember why we put ourselves through this, its not like its going to get any better or easier. Its just something that you have to do for reasons that you do not know.

Cracked Toffee

Still have been alright. The footsteps are the worst, it sounds like how it used to and it tricks me for a moment and I hate it.

Can't really get around how weird I've been feeling lately. Limbo.

Its weird that I do not feel angry or resentful towards Zac. Its really just gone straight to being downright afraid of him and greatful that he is leaving the state.

Since having a d&m with CP the other night, I ended up repeating one of the conversations we had with others which was "What others think your major flaws are". CP didn't comment, my mother said I was brittle and thoughtless and Ben that I am naive and act a lot older than my age. It was interesting that I hadn't directly thought of these points before. I acknowledge that I am brittle, like cracking toffee in a person. Its true I overcompensate for having much older friends, but I wouldn't agree with being naive in the slightest.